To be the "meh" friend?

[TheMehFriend]

I'm wondering if I am indeed, unreasonable!

I am the "meh" friend. Or at least I think I am. By that I mean my friends mean more to me than I do to them. They all have much closer friends than me. I am never any friend's bridesmaid, god parent to any friend's child, never the first to know any news.

I don't mean it in a pathetic, whiny way. It's a simple fact. My friendships date back 10years and they tend to be an even mix of me contacting them or the other way round. Similar amount of effort put into the friendship etc. So actually, I am very lucky to have steady friendships. However all my friends have "better" friends than me or friendships that date back 20years.

I feel like the friend that nobody would really miss. More a "oh I haven't heard from meh for a while" friend. It does lead to cycles of resentment from me. I'm having one today. Even "meh" friends have feelings and limits. Nobody remembered my birthday, that is the catalyst. Every year, people I have known 10years forget my birthday.

Are you a "meh" friend? How do you go beyond this? Am I actually being unreasonable and may be more valued than I think?

Finding myself nodding along to these posts. I wonder why somebody is meh and somebody isn’t? I know a meh person and she’s very outspoken and touchy feely. Always getting in peoples business and asking for favours. It seems to endear people to her 🤔

If you're single and have no parents or siblings you feel this more acutely.

I've known I was the meh friend for ages. But whilst I had a partner who was my best friend it didn't matter as much. Now we've split up I don't have anyone.

I think if you zig when others zag you have to make more of an effort. Literally drum up friendships. Takes confidence and a thick skin though..

Love from zig xx

springydaff
Hi from a fellow zigger; the cake because it's one of the few things I do well.

I do zig zag a lot in my life. People can't seem to keep up. Perhaps that's it?

Here's another beautiful example at work:

We had an important meeting this morning. Colleague text me to say to wait for her as she would come down with me. I got in, waited (my area is on the way to the meeting). She never turned up. She found someone else was going down and went down earlier with them! So I waited for nothing and she didn't text me to tell me!

Now, I'm not a baby and I was perfectly happy going to the meeting alone. But how rude! Basically she wanted to go with someone and used me as a back up and then sacked me off when someone better was around!

It's freeing though as this thread, plus my suspicions being confirmed about this colleague, have helped me to let go of it. In other words, she can sod off in future. One less person to try to please

That’s rude OP

I have a theory that all the needy, emotional people stick together because they can't function alone. Since I am pretty independent, I often have people saying (bullshit) like "Oh I didn't think to invite you as I assumed you were busy" or "I assumed you were already going with someone else" etc etc.

TBH whenever I spend time with people who are very social or who have lots of friends, they normally drain me. But I think they all like to be needed by each other.

I had one friend who is nice enough but it was always one thing on instagram and another in real life. On instagram, it was all 'my besties for like', 'the girls', 'best gal pals' etc (I was not included) but when we met up, she would slag them off non-stop. No doubt she was doing the same to me, yet these girls stuck together like glue.

TBH I think I’m fairly happy with the friends I have. I have some good friend but sometimes I think it’d be nice to have a best friend someone who is my go to person who you can call if you feel crap and fancy going out for a drink or popping in for a chat workout having had to prearrange it two weeks in advance or even a group of friends who are there, organise your hen do, you could do a girls hol with, but then maybe I’m not that kind of person. I do tend to relate to one or two people in a group and that’s why I have friends from all over the place.

The people I know who have lots of friends are genuinely nice people- not saying anyone on here isn't- they are thoughtful, always smiling, fun and just seem to have a air around them which draws people to them. My sister is one of these people- people are drawn to her, she gets multiple invitations, she just has something about her which makes people want to be her friend. She is very non-judgemental and listens well. She doesn't put too much emphasis on friends. I have observed her and tried to copy her but it's just not me. I am not naturally a very thoughtful person who people naturally want to confide in. I think in the past I have been too wrapped up in my own world and others have created friendships that are closer around me. When I confided in someone I think it came across as moans and then I wouldn't ask text/phone people as I thought I would be annoying them. They weren't interested in what I had to say. My fault. I am trying very hard to be more thoughtful and smiley and open up.

The people I know who have lots of friends are genuinely nice people- not saying anyone on here isn't- they are thoughtful, always smiling, fun and just seem to have a air around them which draws people to them.

I know a few people like that. I also know some very judgemental, bitchy people like that. I don't think that links with having a close friend to call your own. There is a difference between having lots of friends and having lots of friends and a special, close friend who values you as much as you do them.

I am not naturally a very thoughtful person who people naturally want to confide in.

The problem is people do naturally confide in me whether they are close to me or not. The amount of stuff I've been told that I shouldn't have been! I think it's because I keep it to myself and don't gossip. Sadly no best friend though!

Maybe your other groups of friends all have other people that they have more in common with- I dont necessarily think that length of time served is important in how close you are with people day to day, although when it comes to bridesmaids etc it can be.
Do you arrange meals/girls weekends/nights out or wait to be asked?
I find I'm closer to the girls I spend more time with, as things crop up in conversation rather than having to call/text someone to tell them stuff

Me too. I'm normally okay with it and with my own company but I've been feeling really down this week about not having anybody that I'm really close to. Maybe we should start a support thread for all of us in the same boat 🙂

Do you arrange meals/girls weekends/nights out or wait to be asked?

Yep, we meet up as much as we can but with children it is harder. They just see their other friends more/go on holiday with them etc.

I don't know why but John Bercow has just popped into my head shouting 'The Mehs have it, The Mehs have it!'

Is this a sign we are about to become politically powerful?

What do we want? Proper Friends! When do we want 'em? Now!

Haha!

Is it about quality over quantity though? I have lots of acquaintances whose company I enjoy. I would never expect them to remember my birthday or ask me to be bridesmaid - but I don't care as I think that most friendships are like that.

I have one close friend and that's because we have known each other since we were babies and are like sisters. I would probably be her bridesmaid if she got married and she mine.

But one is enough.

But one is enough.

Exactly but 99% of people on here (including me) don't have one close friend who would ask us to be a bridesmaid!

Ahem.

Oh look. It’s “Meh a” backwards.

I was chatting to a friend about this because of this thread and she sent me an article from guardian writer Emma bedding ton. In it she says that apparently some study has shown that in order to create a close friendship it takes 200 hours of hanging out. For children or uni students that can spend all day just playing and nattering that happens naturally but once you have a job, kids, a partner you only have 2 hours a week maybe to spend with someone else which means it would take years to get 'close'. My friend pointed out to me that it took us 4 years of working together before we went out for a drink. So I guess there are all those people who are lucky enough to to still be in touch with their chilhood friends and those of us who moved etc will always be the meh friends

I think that is spot on Tipsey!

Totally get it. That is me too.

I think people often presume as well that women who are married/partnered with kids/grandkids etc will be too busy to do much outside the family. That's why they don't bother asking them to do anything.