To be the "meh" friend?

[TheMehFriend]

I'm wondering if I am indeed, unreasonable!

I am the "meh" friend. Or at least I think I am. By that I mean my friends mean more to me than I do to them. They all have much closer friends than me. I am never any friend's bridesmaid, god parent to any friend's child, never the first to know any news.

I don't mean it in a pathetic, whiny way. It's a simple fact. My friendships date back 10years and they tend to be an even mix of me contacting them or the other way round. Similar amount of effort put into the friendship etc. So actually, I am very lucky to have steady friendships. However all my friends have "better" friends than me or friendships that date back 20years.

I feel like the friend that nobody would really miss. More a "oh I haven't heard from meh for a while" friend. It does lead to cycles of resentment from me. I'm having one today. Even "meh" friends have feelings and limits. Nobody remembered my birthday, that is the catalyst. Every year, people I have known 10years forget my birthday.

Are you a "meh" friend? How do you go beyond this? Am I actually being unreasonable and may be more valued than I think?

I am also this friend. I actually don't do friendships anymore. I just have aquantencies that I keep at arms length. Its not worth it for my mental health
I am the school /work/clubbing/school mum friend who gets walked past in tesco by said friend as if they have no idea who I am, I dont think they do have any idea, I'm the easily forgotten one!

I've never been a bridesmaid and have never had a best friend apart from for a brief spell at school, I just have groups of friends. I had two friends as bridesmaids, they didn't pick me as I had young DD when one got married, and the other didn't have bridesmaids. I got married before other close friends so again they didn't want to burden me with being a BM with a tiny baby to look after.

My DH is my best friend and I'm also really close to my mum (and daughters) and other family members. I get on with my colleagues well. I catch up with old friends once or twice a year and sometimes socialise with school mum friends. I think this is quite enough!

Can I join the 'meh' friends club 😁
I always feel like I'm on the outside of every circle of friends and that my friends have closer friendships with others.
I never get ask on the girly weekends or nights out, despite feeling like I make the effort to befriend my friends friends (even if I don't like them much).
I feel like I'm always the one contacting people for a night out/ coffee etc and very rarely get asked in return.
I use OLD for all the wrong reasons as I talk to complete strangers for my contact fix as I don't have anyone else.
Sending hugs to the fellow 'meh's' xx

My last best friend, well I thought she was, was in secondary school. I adored her. We spent almost everyday together right up to the last day of school and when I met up with her at college a mere month later she had just completely ditched me!

I had my first DC at 18 and she once said to me that she would want to kill herself if she had my life! . Although I'm probably well rid I do miss the assumed friendship terribly and I don't think I will ever have a friendship like that again.

It's like me and my brother. He's a bit of a douche but my Dad thinks he's amazing and is always off doing stuff with him whereas he won't even so much as go to the bloody cinema with me

@LMNOhh My peer group have recently celebrated 30ths and I've seen loads of Facebook pics of parties etc and I'm not in any of them 😢

I need to write a second time because this is a good place to vent when you don't have friends to talk to.
Ive just been sitting having a good think about it all. I once confronted my "friends" individually about why I wasn't invited to things, and they all said seperately that they thought I'd be too busy or I'd say no now I'm a parent (they didn't have kids). I used to get really upset about it now and think they were doing it to be nasty but I don't think they are. If I did go on the nights out or wherever I spend the time analysing everyone,I cant relax and let my hair doen
I think im too serious and I struggle for things to talk about.
Ive never been a bridesmaid, godmother etc. I didn't have a hen do, i didn't have a wedding reception as noone to ask, i didn't have baby showers organised for me. For those that do, I really don't think they realise how lucky they are

As I predicted there have been no birthday messages from the group of 6 ‘friends’ I am coincidentally going out with tomorrow night. We have a meal and the cinema booked and i even mentioned on the group chat about it being nice to go out so near my birthday. The chat moved on about times etc, nobody mentioned my birthday and now here we are on the day -nothing.
We have never been a group to do cards/presents but I message everyone individually on their birthdays yet nobody has even bothered on the group chat. One friend I see a couple of times a year who, until now, has always popped a card & gift in to me hasn’t remembered either.

I have also never been a bridesmaid.

Another one that is the 'meh' friend. Nobody really worries about cancelling or fitting in other priorities first. All three of my good friends have better friends- friends that they see more often, friends that they do things with, I feel a bit of a stand-in friend and that I don't really matter. But on the other side of this, I have not been the instigator really, not pushed myself forward, it's almost like I need someone else to take me out of myself if that makes sense. I did have a friend like this but sadly she moved abroad and I've not met anyone quite like her since. I don't necessarily blames others because it requires effort on my part but I do get the distinct feeling that no-one goes out of their way to see me and that feels quite sad. Luckily, I am busy with the family or I might really feel it. I want to join a few new things and hopefully meet some new people.

• I spend the time analysing everyone,I cant relax and let my hair doen I think im too serious and I struggle for things to talk about. Ive never been a bridesmaid, godmother etc. I didn't have a hen do, i didn't have a wedding reception as noone to ask, i didn't have baby showers organised for me. For those that do, I really don't think they realise how lucky they are*

This too, I could have written this.

Yes I am the 'meh' friend. Always have been. I don't mind so much for me most of the time these days but dd is the 'meh' friend too and she's about to turn 13 so it really hurts for her.

I even get ignored on here 😳
I asked what 'irons' means in a dating thread and it's been skipped past, and they don't even know me 😂

I thought I'd killed this one for a while there!
LMN no idea what anything on OLD means. If DH goes I'm staying single forever.

I'm probably the meh friend have only been living in this area 10 years so lots of my friendships less than 5 as I struggled badly with anxiety after moving. Saying that I love my friends they never make me feel feel like the meh friend when I'm with them. They put in effort with me and I put in effort for them after years of having no friends I realise how lucky I am having real friends I truly enjoy spending time with. I'm moving away again now and am heartbroken to leaving my amazing friends

Dh is my best friend and just as well! I have a few friends and one close friend but mainly acquaintances.
Suits me fine, though I'd never fill a room for my funeral!

I have found my people.

Everything I have read here I can relate to.

I do have a wide variety of friends, but Im not close to any of them. Not really anyway. They all have better friends than me.

Yes it does have the odd advantage. I didn't get nominated to do that Ice bucket challenge that went around a few years ago.

Ive recently decided to just give up. It was my 40th earlier this year. I really wanted a party. I wanted to hire out a room in a pub, get a DJ in and have crap food out. I thought that I could maybe get a nice gathering. I put out some feelers on social media. Realised that not that many people would come and I really didn't want to hire out a room for 10 people. So I changed it to a meal and drinks. 5 other people came. 4 of those went home early. It was the people who didn't even bother in the first place that upset me most though. One person found something better to do and a few didn't even acknowledge that I was trying to organise something. These people I thought would have made the effort. Apparently not.
I am now never ever ever celebrating my birthday again with ANYONE that is not a family member.

I also find when whatever the link is that brings us together (usually work) ends. For example, when me or the other leaves the job we work at together then the friendship ends.

I do try to instigate meet ups and always reply to any messages etc, but Im just the meh friend.

One thing that hurts is seeing pictures on social media about a meet up that has occurred, one where you weren't invited too.

I give up now, I really do.

On a positive note - even though I am sad about this situation that we find ourselves in, I'm actually happy to know that I'm not alone in feeling this way.
I love when people post on here about their feelings and about being lonely, as I thought it was just me 😊
Thank you for being so honest x

I don't feel like a meh friend but I do think I understand what you mean.

I often feel like I'm on the outer circle of lots of friendship groups which suits me just fine. I do get invited to things and I have close friends and a 'best friend' who we were bridesmaids for each other and god parents to kids.

The times I feel on the outer circle ( or i suppose you could call that meh) are groups were I either don't feel that comfortable ( so appear a bit uptight) or you have to act a certain way to fit in e.g. dress glam, bitch about others. If you are not naturally that way or are not willing to change to fit in you won't be accepted .

I would describe myself as a confident introvert too. I need space and feel suffocated if people are too needy. I've noticed extroverts who love company tend to have close friendships. I've got better socially over the years by being very smiley, asking lots about others, remembering things like birthdays. I am also very non judgemental and happy to admit and display my failures in life which people seem to warm to. It's those common experiences you remember, they get you laughing together and that's were the bonding takes place! Good luck ladies. I think you all sound lovely. Start a meh-mbers club

I think a good way of meeting people and bonding is doing activities to e.g. sports, classes or activities like go ape/ escape rooms.

I really need this thread! I feel so much better knowing that there are others with similar experiences. Here’s to all of us meh friends. 🥂🌻

I think I'm the meh friend too I've stopped bothering now, just can't be arsed when people don't bother with me now. I feel sad sometimes I do text the o es that have moved away and if I arrange to visit they always accommodate me but they never contact me first or want to come over and this their home area. I know people are busy bit it gets to me on a down day.

Another example of poor old me ...
my dad is visiting my sister, 20mins away from me, and is going away with my bro-in-law. I invited my mum to stay with me, and her grandchildren and she says it too hot to travel 😂
I asked my sister what she is up to and he wants to enjoy some peace and quite whilst her house is empty 🤷‍♀️
I'm fine - just going to chill with the kids, in the sunshine 🌞
Have a lovely weekend everyone xx

We should all meet up and be the meh group

Something that has happened to me a few times as the meh friend is that I'll be invited to something by x person, and I'll think "great!" It will be fun to hang out with x for the night". But when I get there I realise that x has brought other, better friends to hang out with and expects me to have done the same. It was a BYO-friend invite!

FGS I’m so meh I posted yesterday @17:58 saying none of my ‘friends’ had even wished me happy birthday and then I dont even get random internet people sending me birthday wishes.

I’ve lost count of how many times I’ve wished sad people on MN a happy birthday...... but clearly I am not so worthy.

‘you give a Little Love and it comes right back to you’ is clearly shite. I constantly give my all yet I get nothing in return.

Happy retrospective birthday. I see you, I hear you!

I’m the “meh” friend for sure - I’ve always been the one hearing about other people’s hen nights ?

But I think I’ve accepted it and made peace with it now.

My analysis:

• There’s definitely some external judgey structural stuff going on - I mean we are a tribal species at heart .

If your face doesn’t fit or people have “x immediate impression of you” then it’s very hard to get through that, no matter how much of a “positive open attitude” you have.

• I mean I’m too posh and pretty for some groups and too poor and minging for others and also I’ve often been “spare reasonably attractive childless female” which often doesn’t go down too well in established couples groups? I’ve always got lots of offers of dates but no mates

• I also have slight ASD, I don’t really like social politics, I’m fairly introverted, and I think I give a bit of a vibe of that and that makes people feel uncomfortable ?

-On the plus side. I’m now at that age of self acceptance where I put myself first ?

Being “meh” was a vicious circle and I often ended up semi bullied or looked down on or just “used”?

Eg someone didn’t want to visit my city (which is fair enough)

But when another friend wanted to visit she asked me to be a tour guide so she could “show off” to the other friend how popular she was?

I think at heart I’m essentially quite a content person and so I’m ok being solo?

I’m retraining and planning for retirement and sabbaticals and travel and having goals I believe in has made me re evaluate my spending and financial priorities?

Realised I don’t want to spend £40 on nights out or £120 on train and presents for someone’s wedding or 50th? Or all weekend hosting? Especially if they don’t give a shit about me.

Im happy now to spend weekends mumsnetting and tidying but “planning the big America road trip and festival over the summer”

So fairly “light” connections for now are fine.

It’s a relief to have got past that stage where I feel obligated to have the girly nights out!

Or have to do the whole “texting people to ask if anything was arranged?” because no one has bothered to keep me in the loop

shared sports and classes and work connections are good for polite companionship.

I enjoy my hobbies and career path and my self esteem seems to be a lot better now that I’m accepting my meh-ness status.