To be the "meh" friend?

[TheMehFriend]

I'm wondering if I am indeed, unreasonable!

I am the "meh" friend. Or at least I think I am. By that I mean my friends mean more to me than I do to them. They all have much closer friends than me. I am never any friend's bridesmaid, god parent to any friend's child, never the first to know any news.

I don't mean it in a pathetic, whiny way. It's a simple fact. My friendships date back 10years and they tend to be an even mix of me contacting them or the other way round. Similar amount of effort put into the friendship etc. So actually, I am very lucky to have steady friendships. However all my friends have "better" friends than me or friendships that date back 20years.

I feel like the friend that nobody would really miss. More a "oh I haven't heard from meh for a while" friend. It does lead to cycles of resentment from me. I'm having one today. Even "meh" friends have feelings and limits. Nobody remembered my birthday, that is the catalyst. Every year, people I have known 10years forget my birthday.

Are you a "meh" friend? How do you go beyond this? Am I actually being unreasonable and may be more valued than I think?

I'm a meh friend too, been going through a really hard time lately as I've had to deal with a family crisis for a few months and I've realised I haven't had any messages and many nights out have been posted online with pics etc.

Also got engaged this year and have had more than one little cry that I don't have anyone willing to make the effort to help. Dress shopping was too much effort for the bridesmaids so I bought mine alone. Dreading the hen do as I can't see anyone doing anything if I don't organise my own.

My DP is of the opinion that I should stop making the effort (it's always me that goes above and beyond for baby showers, hen dos, birthdays etc.) but what he doesn't understand that if I stop trying I won't have anyone. I think I'd rather be a meh friend than not have any even if they do make me cry.

Thanks @Sarcelle

I have found (in the past) that I have had much more heartache, headaches, and stress and tears, from having 'friends' than I have from not having any. So now, I don't hardly bother with anyone/don't try to make friends. Cannot be arsed!

I have my DH, and my 2 adult DC and their partners, (who I see once a week,) and I speak to three or four neighbours for 10 minutes or so once or twice a week, and I have a pal from childhood who lives 30 miles away who I meet for coffee once every 6 weeks. But I have no other friends, and I never go out with ANYONE except DH and adult DC occasionally and this one pal from childhood.

Like many people on here, I have always been the misfit, always the last to be included, and never in any friendship group or clique. I was fat and ginger when at school, and was bullied mercilessly. I never had any friends there, and even my own cousins (3 female, 2 male) mocked and bullied me a lot. DM told me to suck it up when I complained as they were 'only teasing' and favoured my younger brother. (That probably didn't help my self esteem!!!)

I struggled to make friends, and keep them, and would always be the one giving and giving, (my time and effort AND money, sweets, crisps etc,) and I got dumped constantly. When I played hide and seek with kids in the neighbourhood, I would hide and no-one would look for me, and I would always be picked last for sports teams.

In adulthood, things were not much different. Always felt insecure and unwanted and laughed at. Every job I have ever been in, I have always been bullied or ignored. I have been used, let down by, and shat on by every single so-called friend since I was a kid. Even the childhood friend who I see now dumped me for other friends and we lost touch between 19-20 y.o, and mid 30s. I don't hold it against her though as we were both very young, and we have fun now when we meet.

I have only been a bridesmaid once, for my aunt when she got married at 33 (and I was 13,) but have never been asked by any 'friend.' As I said, I have never been included in any big friendship group, and really envy people who have that (like in the sitcom 'Friends.''

Since I have not bothered trying to make friends, and have stopped allowing anyone in, my mental health and anxiety has been much better. No-one can shit on me, bitch at me, criticise me, borrow off me, (and not give back,) make catty comments, insult me, make negative comments about me and DH and my kids, let me down, and use me, and bully me, and turn others against me, and treat me like a doormat... Because I let no-one in, and don't LET anyone hurt me.

It can bite me on the bum occasionally, as I have very few people to rely on for anything (eg lifts if I couldn't drive for some reason,) but it's worth it to not have toxic presences in my life.

It's well worth it. I'd rather have no-one than so-called friends who are cunts.

Apart from 5 or 6 years between 17 and 22-ish, when I seemed to have a good time socialising with a few people I knew - including a couple of people I knew from school, (who weren't horrid to me at school,) and the 2 or 3 boyfriends I had for those 5 years or so; I have had no success with friends/making friends/keeping friends, and have always struggled for the reasons I have listed above. And I now don't care anymore (haven't for 5 years or so, since my mid 40s,) and am more than happy as I am.

My (and DH's) parents passed 10-15 years ago, and both our brothers live 1000s of miles away, and we only see them once every 2 years, and I have lost contact with my cousins (and my aunts and uncles have all passed except one who I rarely see,) so I have very few people in my life to bug me, use me, and cause me stress. And I would not want it any other way!

I have wondered in the past though, if it's me. Maybe I am just annoying, boring, or just fundamentally unlikable. Or all of the above. I have always tried to be a nice, good, kind, friendly person, but people still treated me like shit.

Shame really that all the rejects and misfits on here (like me!) can't meet in real life! Be we'd all have a great time together.

Maybe we're all the meh friend to a certain extent?

The meh friend, that’s what I am! I was thinking along these lines last night when I couldn’t sleep but didn’t have a name for it. Meh, perfect. I have a few friends (or so I thought) but realised no one contacts me except for one. But then she had a big family party recently and on seeing the photos I noticed some of our mutual friends there but I obviously didn’t make it on her list - not that I wanted to go, it just hurt a bit that others were there but not me. Meh.

Wooly, you say, "not that I wanted to go". I wonder if this is part of the problem. It is part of the problem with me. I like being alone, until I feel lonely. I am fortunate in that the few friends I have know me well. They invite me to things they know I would feel comfortable at. This weekend I am going to a friend's annual barbecue. It is probably the only thing I will do this summer that is not with family.

Earlier PP said something along the lines of it being 'easier' not having so many friends... i think i'm a decent/supportive/not v v judgy... but yes i used to have so-called friends who WERE/ARE total outright evil cunts... and I was told this many times - and like another PP said, was making excuses "I know they mug old ladies but they're really sweet when you get to know them" Like fooook they arethey were utterly vile about others when with me - so not a huuuge stretch to realise how they were about ME... and I don't miss the drama/gossip/company... so am happy to be meh to them and will ensure it stays that way!! And if i'm somebody elses meh... well meh...

I was feeling depressed about this, but I have decided to use the realisation that I am a meh friend as a bit of a kick to change the way I see it. To me, it's about self-respect - why should I put up with coming away from an interaction with a friend feeling like my company is second-rate? Why should I be grateful for crumbs of friendship when other people remember that I exist? I am tired of being the last one they think of, the afterthought, with my funny little ways that amuse them enough to like my posts on Facebook but not enough to think of asking me out for lunch. I'm done with people pleasing!

I have found (in the past) that I have had much more heartache, headaches, and stress and tears, from having 'friends' than I have from not having any. So now, I don't hardly bother with anyone/don't try to make friends. Cannot be arsed!

Absolutely lastchicken!!

Looking at my social media, you wouldn't know that I'm the meh friend as I know a lot of people who I socialise with in a group but I've been let down so many times by people I've invested time in on a one to one basis, thinking they were 'good friends' that I've stopped bothering. I still see them but have stopped initiating individual catch ups.

Bordello... foook em - really...

Agreed, @Sarcelle and I don't engage with social media now beyond professional networking sites because I felt increasingly saddened by the posts which never included me. When you get to the nub of it, it's all so fake and stealth-boasty that I know I'm better off ignoring it and doing something else.
The article I read was this [https://www.stylist.co.uk/life/what-kind-of-friend-are-you-background-friend-twitter-thread/273394]

As it happens my baby was stillborn earlier this year and I’m sort of realising who my friends are. I’m both let down by some but really pleasantly surprised by others.

I'm so sorry for your loss. Big events do often turn into events that weed out the true friends. Hold on to those who pleasantly surprised you!

This is what stuck out to me....you're calling yourself the "meh friend", do your friends see you as strong and capable and not needing anything or anyone?

Yes this is absolutely true of everyone around me, including family. I am constantly deemed the person who needs no help and I am often the person who is good in a crisis. This probably does influence my friendships.

You sound lovely OP. Perhaps we are too nice?

Thank you Yes I would never dream of upsetting anyone unless I'm pushed too far.I hold on to my upset and resentment until it boils over and then...well I simply just stop contacting people.

Oh and often, people take photos where they cut half my face off, if I'm in a group! They then post it in Facebook where they tag me, with half a face

How bloody rude! I'd leave a comment clarifying that I am a whole person

Also got engaged this year and have had more than one little cry that I don't have anyone willing to make the effort to help. Dress shopping was too much effort for the bridesmaids so I bought mine alone. Dreading the hen do as I can't see anyone doing anything if I don't organise my own.

Oh shaft, this made me tear up! Sending you hugs (is that allowed or will I be banned?). Honestly big events do just rub it in more.

Maybe we're all the meh friend to a certain extent?

Agree...but most of my meh friends have best friends too

I was feeling depressed about this, but I have decided to use the realisation that I am a meh friend as a bit of a kick to change the way I see it. To me, it's about self-respect - why should I put up with coming away from an interaction with a friend feeling like my company is second-rate? Why should I be grateful for crumbs of friendship when other people remember that I exist? I am tired of being the last one they think of, the afterthought, with my funny little ways that amuse them enough to like my posts on Facebook but not enough to think of asking me out for lunch. I'm done with people pleasing!

Grace I'm so glad you are changing your mindset. You are absolutely right. Someone once told me "You are treated as badly as you allow" and I think it applies here. We should value ourselves more because we are not second rate!

I am very extrovert but I don’t wait around to find out if I am the ‘meh’ friend. I contact people regularly to make arrangements to meet up and am completely thick skinned about whether they ever contact me first. I arrange events to celebrate things myself - ie I arrange a fun gathering every year for my birthday, I arranged my own baby shower, my own leaving do’s etc. If I overhear people organising to go out for lunch somewhere at work, I pipe up that I like that restaurant and then will usually get invited along. If there is an event I want to go to that I am not invited to, I will ask if I can take a spare ticket last minute. I know I probably sound really pushy and annoying from admitting all this, but I don’t think I am too bad! I definitely gauge the mood and will not push it if I feel I am intruding. I reckon if I waited to be contacted re social events, I would be constantly disappointed so I just take it into my own hands and make it happen! It works for me anyway.

I’m so Meh that when my husband had a life saving operation, and was in intensive care for several days & in hospital for several weeks 50 miles away, not one single person offered to look after our DC who was half days in nursery at the time. I had to pick DC up from school, a relative who lived 40 miles in the opposite direction to the hospital, was driving over every day so I could leave DC and visit DH. Everyone would ask in the playground ‘how is he, hope he’s ok’ but not one person said let me pick DC up with friend, come and pick up after tea.

One time I asked an older friend if she could mind DC for ONE HOUR as relative had an appointment so couldn’t get here until later so I wouldn’t be able to get to the hospital. Her reply was “well, as long as it only is an hour”

My birthday last year I got birthday messages from 3 people I used to work with years ago. My ‘friends’ didn’t acknowledge it.

It’s my birthday Thursday, I won’t hold my breath, even DM has just messaged asking if she needs to put any money in my card or not!

One time I asked an older friend if she could mind DC for ONE HOUR as relative had an appointment so couldn’t get here until later so I wouldn’t be able to get to the hospital. Her reply was “well, as long as it only is an hour”

That is shitty! Happy birthday for Thursday...perhaps say money in a card is fine as long as it's over £50

I contact people regularly to make arrangements to meet up and am completely thick skinned about whether they ever contact me first. I arrange events to celebrate things myself - ie I arrange a fun gathering every year for my birthday, I arranged my own baby shower, my own leaving do’s etc.

Wish I had your energy!!!! And confidence, you sound quite confident? That probably helps

Me too. Definitely the meh friend and relative! Nobody would notice if I disappeared.

@mother63

Absolutely 'lastchicken!'

😘

I think at least those of you with partners or husbands and children are definitely the most important person in somebody's life, even if you don't feel like your friends are there for you. Is that not a comfort?

I think at least those of you with partners or husbands and children are definitely the most important person in somebody's life, even if you don't feel like your friends are there for you. Is that not a comfort?

Yes, I think if people are in happy relationships it is a comfort. This thread has opened even my eyes to the sadness that is there for so many people.

Quite a sad thread, but also enlightening to see that people are not alone.

Quite a sad thread but also enlightening to see that people are not alone.

Damn! It happened again. I thought my post had not gone on, so resubmitted it. Sorry.

@GraceMarks

I think at least those of you with partners or husbands and children are definitely the most important person in somebody's life, even if you don't feel like your friends are there for you. Is that not a comfort?

Well yeah, but that's not what this thread is about! It's about how people have been let down and shit on and used by so-called friends, and found it hard to be accepted into friendship groups, and always felt like an outsider in every social situation, for their ENTIRE LIFE.

Please don't minimise peoples hurt and suffering, by saying 'yeah but....' and 'at least you have......' It's like when someone has 2 children and is struggling with post natal depression, and someone says 'at least you HAVE children, be bloody grateful,' or 'well I have three children, you have no idea how much harder that is.' Or if someone 's dad dies when they're only 18, and someone says 'yeah well I was 17 when MY dad died......'

Let's not play 'top trumps.'

What's more, when people ARE in a (mostly happy) relationship; if it breaks down, then the people with no friends, (and struggle to make, and keep friends) have no-one to turn to, and are often alone and rather isolated.