To be the "meh" friend?

[TheMehFriend]

I'm wondering if I am indeed, unreasonable!

I am the "meh" friend. Or at least I think I am. By that I mean my friends mean more to me than I do to them. They all have much closer friends than me. I am never any friend's bridesmaid, god parent to any friend's child, never the first to know any news.

I don't mean it in a pathetic, whiny way. It's a simple fact. My friendships date back 10years and they tend to be an even mix of me contacting them or the other way round. Similar amount of effort put into the friendship etc. So actually, I am very lucky to have steady friendships. However all my friends have "better" friends than me or friendships that date back 20years.

I feel like the friend that nobody would really miss. More a "oh I haven't heard from meh for a while" friend. It does lead to cycles of resentment from me. I'm having one today. Even "meh" friends have feelings and limits. Nobody remembered my birthday, that is the catalyst. Every year, people I have known 10years forget my birthday.

Are you a "meh" friend? How do you go beyond this? Am I actually being unreasonable and may be more valued than I think?

Happy birthday OP. I know what you mean. I always thought I have loads of friends but about a month ago it dawned on me that it is always me making contact. Whenever we go out drinking I will happily buy a friend a drink at the bar. Then I thought in all the years I know my friends no-one had ever bought me a drink. I stopped contacting people asking how they are and to see if they would contact me. They haven't been in touch ☹ I keep thinking maybe I am the meh friend as no-one gas contacted me to ask me how I am
On fb I always say happy birthday to people and when others have birthdays they upload loads of photos of them over the years saying happy birthday but never do it for me ever. It's a bit depressing

I'm a meh friend, but I totally understand why. I struggle to socialize, I'm happiest on my own for the most part with only tiny amounts of social interaction. So I get why other friends are always bridesmaids or godparents. I used to feel slightly sad when the other school moms posted pictures of them all having porch parties or their kids all building snownen together and having hot chocolates at each other's houses, but we were never invited because we lived a few blocks away. Since then we moved to a new area and I get it now... we know the families in the immediate few houses super well and honestly it can seem claustrophobic with how much they want to hang out. I realised I do better being a meh friend than a bestie. My neighbour invites me for tea all the time and as much as I love her I can't handle that much interaction.

Maybe you would feel the same if you saw your friends more too. Some people just need less interaction. I now look at that previous mom groups photos from a mom vacation together and realise how awful it would have been if I was invited.

I'm definitely a meh friend. I had a few very close friends from childhood but we all live in opposite ends of the earth. The friends I've made since then though, I had thought we were close. It was last year that I realized that I would go to the ends of the earth for them and invite them to all my celebrations but none have ever invited me to anything meaningful. Last year, some of them couldn't even make it for a very important event of mine due to various flimsy reasons. They're quick to make contact for a loan though.

My brother educated me 'they're acquaintances not friends'.

I'm a very confident introvert though. Love my own company. Always done. I'm not lonely, it's just sad to know.

I raise a glass to all the mehs out there.

This thread is bringing me so much comfort it's amazing. Comforting that something you feel is so lonely and unique to you, well, isn't.

TheMehFriend in answer to your question, I have learned to be confident socially over the years (am in my 40s) and I do have a lot of drive and energy to make things happen. BUT in another way, I am a total coward as I am stuck in a really bad relationship and don’t have the courage to change that. So, part of my drive for organising events and really nurturing as many friendships as I can is because my life at home can be very lonely and unhappy. If I had a kind supportive partner I probably wouldn’t bother quite as much if I am completely honest. Just wanting to be totally transparent. The reason I posted though was to try to encourage you to take matters into your own hands and put yourself out there more if it upsets you rather than wait on others to pick up on it.

Totally recognise everything TheLastChicken wrote. You could be me! It would be brilliant if we could all meet up and be Meh friends together. I just can’t be arsed anymore. I went through a golden phase about 5 years ago when I made some friends through my kids. I made the mistake of introducing them all to each other. They then became BFFs and I was cut out. That has happened to me so many times that I just can’t be bothered to try anymore. I’ve had enough of being a friend dating service. I’d just love for somebody to like me enough that they prefer me!

I understand where everyone is coming from. But try and take each interaction with someone as a positive addition to your life, no matter how big or small.

Be that smiling face and listening person. It takes time to build friendships and not everyone comes into your life forever.

Hope my take hasn't made you want to vomit 🤪

(I have a S.O. and friends and acquaintances who all have other friends, family and commitments.. life with a family and working is busy. We need to be understanding of each other)

Sometimes I am the smiling one, sometimes the sad one, sometimes loud, sometimes quiet, sometimes lonely, sometimes happy. Mutual love and support all round 🌼🌼🌼🌺🌺🌺🌺

Great, now I've pissed someone off on the billy no-mates thread. Looks like I'm a meh poster as well as a meh friend. Just to be clear, I was trying to offer comfort/positives, not playing "suffering too trumps" or minimise anyone's feelings. I'll just go away now as I'm not feeling up to making enemies on a thread about not having any good friends.

I suspect I'm a bit of a meh too. Am an introvert with ropey health, and I do quite like my own company. I do email/write and try to keep in touch with friends near and far. Was pleasantly surprised that people did bother when I got ill. Often stand alone in the playground at pick up time. Used to go out dancing on my own in 20s and 30s. I wish I knew why. Maybe there is something standoffish about me. I do have a slightly limited tolerance for small talk.

Suspect I am the meh colleague too. All big birthdays get celebrated but mine slid by with no collection/meal. I was a little puzzled. Probably should be more pro active as pp said and just keep organising and inviting. I can do it, and sometimes it has worked well. Its just a lot of effort. I do think other more popular folk are wittier/funnier and more engaged socially. Maybe its just personality. There is a tendency to be picked on at work too unless I am careful not to allow.

I do like the phrase confident introvert. Nicking that.

Great, now I've pissed someone off on the billy no-mates thread. Looks like I'm a meh poster as well as a meh friend. Just to be clear, I was trying to offer comfort/positives, not playing "suffering too trumps" or minimise anyone's feelings. I'll just go away now as I'm not feeling up to making enemies on a thread about not having any good friends.

Noooooo Grace! I didn't take your post that way, perhaps it hit a nerve for the pp. This is a really emotive issue when you think about it and it can be very hard for people not to take things personally. What we all have in common is that we all feel unappreciated and lonely and this obviously affects us all emotionally.

Be that smiling face and listening person. It takes time to build friendships and not everyone comes into your life forever.
Hope my take hasn't made you want to vomit 🤪

Puke! it's a nice idea and when I'm feeling less irritated I will take it on board!

The reason I posted though was to try to encourage you to take matters into your own hands and put yourself out there more if it upsets you rather than wait on others to pick up on it.

It's about striking a balance isn't it, if I put myself out there all the time I would feel paranoid I was shoving myself down people's throats (now there's an image!). I don't have that confidence.

GraceMarks I think at least those of you with partners or husbands and children are definitely the most important person in somebody's life, even if you don't feel like your friends are there for you. Is that not a comfort?

I agree. I am the 'meh' friend and it doesn't bother me in the slightest. I think I have actually created the role myself by being a meh friend.
I see friends often but they all have other friends they spend more time with are closer too and I quite like it that way.

As an aside, I do actually really like my own company too.

As another aside, a colleague found out about my birthday and asked when I was bringing cakes in...I felt like telling them that as half of them cannot be arsed to even say good morning to me, perhaps they would like to shove the cake up their arse. I'm not buying cake for a team of people who cannot even say hello!

Having said that, I do understand that this is not the case for everyone.

Closer TO

As another aside, a colleague found out about my birthday and asked when I was bringing cakes in

What a CF! So they knew it was your birthday? Did they wish you a happy birthday or give you a card?

What a CF! So they knew it was your birthday? Did they wish you a happy birthday or give you a card?

Ha! Noooo! They even turned to another colleague and said "hey Meh had a birthday so she should bring cake in!". Other colleague looked blank and then asked about something unrelated! I don't actually exist clearly! I just said "hmmmm no I don't do cakes".

I'm the same - no friends per se, just colleagues and people I know. I'm the funny one of the group - the one that's always the one to break the ice at a party or gathering. I get everybody laughing then everyone goes off into groups and I'm on my own. Greeting into my gin 😢

That’s hilarious. Good for you for not doing it!

So I think I'm just the annoying friend - I don't think I'm meh. I wish I was. I need to more meh.

Are you close to your family? Partner? I think those relationships become more important as you get older.

Unfortunately my best friend died. She was very special and I know I’ll never have another friend like her, so I make the most of the friends I do have because they are lovely people. I’m close to my sisters, DH and my one year old DD is probably my BFF.

So I’m happy with that and it’s enough.

Are you close to your family? Partner? I think those relationships become more important as you get older.

I am close to my family in that I am the one who holds us together and saves the day. They are pretty useless. They don't spend a lot of time considering my feelings. Perhaps if they did it wouldn't be so bad. My daughter is small so she doesn't give a shit Dh is pretty good. I'm sorry your best friend died, i can see how that would make you more appreciative of what you have got.

200post of meh now

Absolutely the meh friend. I'll be there when they can be bothered. I think that's what they think. It hurts. I honestly don't think many would notice if I disappeared. That's frightening to admit. But it's how I feel.

This thread is oddly comforting.