I've had an altercation at the school gate this morning and I'm shaken up!

[NotStrongYet]

I was on my way into school early. It's school photos day so those with siblings could arrive early for a sibling shoot. I parked up and got the kids out of the car and all of a sudden I heard the most awful shouting. It was a Mum, screaming aggressively at her kid. The daughter (maybe aged 7) had run away up the street next to the school. The mum left her little boy (aged 2 i would guess) on a grass verge and ran after her daughter. I couldn't actually see what was happening at this point but I could hear the mum screaming and the daughter crying. They then followed us up the path to school. The Mum was shouting "do you know what happens to kids like you that run off? People take them and kill them!!!" I was a few feet ahead with my 5 and 3 year old who were looking more and more worried by the stuff the lady was screaming. I carried on walking. The daughter then said "mum I don't want to go to school". The mum grabbed her by the arm and yanked her forward, before sliding her arm in between her daughters back and her school bag and dragging her along the full length of the playground by the bag. Her poor daughters legs were being dragged along the concrete. I said to the mum "I'm sorry but what your doing is really upsetting me". She said "this is a daily occurrence and the school know about it". She was almost hit by a car round there and every day she says she doesn't want to go to school" I said "I understand that, but what you're doing is wrong". She preceded to drag the child along the ground whilst shouting at her. I have told my daughters teacher and I've been assured this is going to be followed up. I'm shaking and not sure if I've done the right thing. It feels like I have. No child deserves to be treated like that, regardless of the circumstances.

I agree it was very wrong how she managed the situation, physically and verbally towards the child, it was not right in any sense.

But do you know the full story? Is the child known for running like this? Was her reaction out of panic- running away, being hit by a car, being abducted? Does the child have challenging behaviour where this was the accumulation of several incidents this morning and mum is now at breaking point?

You done the right thing by reporting it to the school. However, I would refrain from judging unless you know the full story.

"THIS IS CHILD ABUSE PEOPLE".

No it isn't. Its a mother at the absolute end of her tether. I'm sorry but the child deserved a telling off at 7 years old she should have more sense than yo be running away.
The mother's right she could have been snatched.

There are a couple of Mothers at my DCs school who upset me and my DC too. I never intervene, I don’t really have the courage to tbh. My DC always ask why their Mummy’s are always so mean and I don’t have a clue what to say. They just continuously tell their DC to shut up, call them idiots/stupid/morons and drag them around. One of them tells her DC to shut up with every other breath tbh, she’s shouted it a few times even in front of the head master which would mortify me. It’s definitely abusive.

Parenting is tough, we all know that. Some days are tougher than others and of course children can definitely test our limits. No excuse for abuse though. If it gets too much you sometimes just have to walk away and take a few deep breaths.

Report it, sure, but don't assume anything will get done about it. But if more people called others out on abusive behaviour like the OP did, then children would be and feel more supported and able to go to others for help. Also perpetrators would have less bleeding heart enablers around them and might be forced to address their own behaviour.

Takes a village to raise a child...

Of course you did the right thing. Don’t worry about what you said, you were distressed and it’s easy to speak before engaging the brain fully!
I would have done the same without a doubt and would probably also speak to school again to make sure they are going to follow it up. Poor child.

Also all those saying all the mum needs to do is find out why her DD does not want to go to school? Do you really think persistent school refusing is that easy to solve? Duh if only all those parents who are tearing their hair out at kids who persistently are school refusers had thought of doing that.

You did the right thing here op. The child always has to come first. They need to be protected, Not the parent, and I'm aghast at those who think you can do what t h fuck you please to your own kids, as long as you can justify it. No you can't. You don't get to drag your kids along th ground, smash their face into a gate, scream at them, you simply don't.

Our KS1 children are met in the yard by the Teachers on a morning...Often if a Teacher can get the child away from the parent and the parent turn and leave the yard they can get them in..no dragging across the playground necessary..it’s your classic parent/child power struggle. I would be arranging with the school to simply get her through the gate and be met by the staff. I would let the Teachers or even the HM take it from there. I would be upset at what you saw too OP...It’s easy to keyboard judge and this Mum may well be at the end of her tether but her way isn’t working...she needs a massive rethink. I’d hope the school could help.

"THIS IS CHILD ABUSE PEOPLE"
No it isn't... the child deserved a telling off at 7 years old she should have more sense than yo be running away
And being dragged along with her shins hitting the floor, probably leaving them at least scraped possibly bleeding? That's OK too cos Mom is stressed? Sorry but the physicality of what the Mom did is definately a red flag. No child deserves to be treated like that, full stop.

If the child was dragged along the ground and scraped her shins(rather than just going floppy and refusing to walk) then it will be obvious to the school that something drastic happened especially along with the OP reporting it to the school.

She was chasing her DD who was hit by a car recently after running into the road. She had been forced to leave her 2 year old on the side of the road alone. If I was chasing 1 child who had recently be hit by a car and forced to leave a 2 year old alone by the side of the road I would be terrified

Where does it say she was hit by a car?

In which case i’d be expecting mum to be seeking first aid, rather than dragging her into school

It doesn’t matter if the mum is struggling, or it’s simple abuse. Or both.

Do nothing, nothing changes. Those of you who think the o/p was wrong, what are you expecting to happen? How are things going to change for that mum if everyone just leaves her to it?

Report it, and the school/social services can intervene, get her referred for help. They aren’t going to storm in and remove the kids, they’re going to try and put safeguarding measures in place.

Whatever was going on, o/p was right to report.

You absolutely did the right thing!!! And to all those saying you would have worded it better to the mother, when you are in that sort of situation it is not that easy, you don't have time to really think and you just react.

Well done and don't be afraid to report the mother again if you see any more abusive behaviour. I always think if they can behave that way in public then what the hell are they like behind closed doors at home??

Curious as to the dragging of the child- had the child dropped all her weight so that the mother was effectively using the bag to physically lift/carry her into the school?

Kudos to you for saying something OP. Regardless of whether the mum is at the end of her tether or just plain in the wrong it’s obvious she needs some outside help and support.

You did the right thing in reporting it to the school. Even if they are already aware of the issues with the DD (as the mother said), your input could provide another useful piece of information.

They may be able to offer some support in helping to get the DD into school in the mornings.

I don't agree with the screaming and the dragging at all, but I can sympathise with her having to make a split decision about whether to risk the DD being hit by a car or risk the 2yr-old being left alone.

PP1 - THIS IS CHILD ABUSE PEOPLE

PP2: No it isn't

Yes. It is.

There is significant risk of harm. She physically injured her child. She left a toddler on a grass verge. Did you know neglect was a form of a child abuse, and that knowingly putting them in harm's way was another?

The mother's right she could have been snatched

Ergo the toddler, who she left alone, could also have been snatched. Or, far more likely, found his way into the oncoming traffic.

It could hardly be more transparent that here is a case that's screaming out for Social Services' intervention.

Speaking as a mum with two children with learning disabilities , I have a couple times been in a situation similar to this when I can't cope and make questionable choices.

Can you imagine beings stressed and at the end of your tether that you behave like this woman behaved IN PUBLIC, in full view of the playground. It's traumatising.

I remember one terrible home time when similar happened to me. My children had been awful running away, hitting me, hitting each other, everyone was screaming, it was hell. I'd been being patient for about hour already and had only managed to get them half of the 10 minute walk home and we'd needed to wait in the playground until everyone else had left in order that everyone calmed down. Started to walk home again and we had to go into the supermarket to get something important. It all kicked off again with the children running round the shop uncontrollably, screaming and fighting. Eventually I cracked , and when one child went to attack another for the umteempth time I pushed him over and he banged his head on the floor. He started screaming, so I hauled him up and pulled him screaming out of the shop, whilst holding the other screaming child's hand too. A woman came over and started to admonish me. and through angry, embarrassed, stressed tears I reacted very similarly to the woman you encountered .I think I said : "Please, this is none of your business and you know nothing about the context of this situation. Please don't judge me". Luckily at that point one of the teachers from my children's school came and helped me at that point because I completely lost it, crying in public is horrible.

The woman came and apologised afterwards.

Don't judge until you've been there.

Don't judge and make it about you.

It's difficult to imagine just how stressful it is to have a child with behavioural issues.

Report it to the school and trust the school deal with it.

I agree that the dragging sounds awful.

I wonder what she should have done?

Carried?

Asked for help?

Taken her home?

The mother wasn’t coping. If you’d offered to help it would have been far better for the children involved.

I probably wouldn't have confronted her, sometimes that can make it worse for the child, for instance, they then get blamed for "embarrassing" the parent in public and punished further. I would definitely have reported though. It does sound like the mother is at breaking point but it's still not the appropriate way to treat a child. My friend has a DC who is combative and challenging but would never dream of treating him like this! You've done the right thing, have yourself a nice cup of tea and try to calm down

It sounds like she was at the end of her tether. That doesn't excuse the behaviour and it does sound like she needs external support.

The mother wasn’t coping. If you’d offered to help it would have been far better for the children involved

Not necessarily as Goosey mentioned.

She must have been walking at a pace a 2 year old could keep up with, so I would hazard the 7 year old could have but her feet down and walked

goose goosey

I'm sure your friend has had her moments that she's 100percent not proud of and traumatised by.

I’m not talking about ‘confronting’ the mother LoafofSellotspe. That’s likely to inflame an already volatile situation.

It could hardly be more transparent that here is a case that's screaming out for Social Services' intervention.

True. However, if the child is a habitual school refuser, they are just likely to pile on with the parent blaming, possibly offer a parenting course, do an assessment that conclude that the mother knows how to keep the children safe and close the case.

They don't help with the root cause which is likely to be that the child's needs are not being met in school.

I know that there's no guarantee that the child has additional needs but this is a situation I've been in myself and seen happen to numerous other families.

When someone tells you that you're an inadequate parent because you can't get your child to voluntarily walk into school each morning like all their classmates, it destroys you. There is little to no support available now with budgets pared to the bone and the first port of call for many professionals is to blame and threaten parents.

I'm glad you mentioned it to the school. If nothing else, it is evidence that the child is running away and the parent is trying to get her there. Whether the mother has the skills to make professionals acknowledge that is another matter.