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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

would you have your wedding on your birthday as a twin?

369 replies

Zipliner · 24/06/2019 08:11

my fiancé suggested that we have our wedding on my birthday and i am excited over this...
but my twin feels its unfair as our birthday would no longer take prominence within the family
if you were a twin would you consider this or should i just give this idea up?

OP posts:
noonarna · 24/06/2019 13:28

Awful and selfish idea. All the attention will already be on you, no need to then drag it away from someone else.

Skyejuly · 24/06/2019 13:33

I got married on mine but my birthday is not a big deal for the family now I am an adult.

DuMondeB · 24/06/2019 13:33

I used to date an identical twin who had a very close attachment to his brother (they still share a house in their mid 30s). I can see how an insecure partner might find it difficult to accept that their betrothed had another, very significant, close attachment, one that predates the relationship.

But if you are that partner, you don’t solve it by attempting to drive a wedge between the twins, you either work on yourself or accept that this is not the right relationship for you.

Obviously, not all twins feel this way, (and I suspect this was amplified by a complicated, insecure childhood) but with my ex, it became very clear he already had an ‘other half’ a literal one, the other half of his split egg!

So I moved on and married someone else. No biggie.

user1471590586 · 24/06/2019 13:34

Do you normally have a family get together on Birthdays or do you visit each other? Sounds like your family make a fuss of your Birthdays so I presume you see them. If so what about if you want to go away for a future anniversary? Will your husband begrudge having to visit your family and sister rather than doing something for just the two of you?

needsomesleepy · 24/06/2019 13:34

I got married on mine but my birthday is not a big deal for the family now I am an adult.

Do you have a twin?

SenecaFalls · 24/06/2019 13:37

Is your twin a sister or a brother? I'm not sure it is relevant, but I notice that you haven't said.

Skyejuly · 24/06/2019 13:40

Yes. It's not a major deal but if she is upset I would just move it for hassle sake.

cheeseandpineapple · 24/06/2019 13:44

Sounds like you and/or your fiancée want to minimise the number of celebrations you have and/or exclude your twin/family from any future birthday celebrations, is that what you want?

Are there any issues between him and your twin or you and your twin?

Personally I would want to keep the events separate and have double celebrations plus if I had a twin I was close to and she/he was unhappy about the overlap I wouldn’t go ahead with it.

Fact that you’re thinking about it suggests things aren’t great between you and your twin?

Nanny0gg · 24/06/2019 13:44

I regret switching the vote button as its making me feel shitty

You did ask...

So what are you going to do?

MulticolourMophead · 24/06/2019 13:45

because we are twins
getting married on my birthday would mean that im branching out on my own and also i suggested we celebrate 41st because we had 3 major birthdays celebrations before

So you want to force her to fall in with your plans for the day. I bet you'd be upset if she decided to go off and have a 40th birthday with her friends, wouldn't you? So she'll be in a lose, lose situation and will probably have a shitty day either way. That's not branching out, that's just being selfish.

Choose another date.

FlossieTeacakesFurCoat18 · 24/06/2019 13:46

Aren't you already "branching out" by getting married? Nobody's forcing you to live with your train or to everything together?

Also getting married that day isn't going to change the fact it's your joint birthday 🤷‍♀️ if you feel that strongly about it, pick another day of the year to celebrate your birthday separately from your twin because that would be less weird than having your wedding on your birthday

ginghamtablecloths · 24/06/2019 13:47

I am a twin - I wouldn't have my wedding on my birthday. Not at all.

FlossieTeacakesFurCoat18 · 24/06/2019 13:47

Train = twin
and
"Do everything together"

ThatLemonCheesecakeIsMine · 24/06/2019 13:50

Sounds to me like your idea of 'branching out' is rather more like asserting yourself over your twin. Puts you as the 'most important' of the two doesn't it, for that one big day? She'll have to either totally sacrifice her birthday plans or make sure they take the second bow to your wedding.

Saying you are branching out is bullshit when you are trying to tie your birthday to your wedding. What it says to me is you are trying to relegate your joint birthday with your twin so from now on it will be all about you and your marriage. So you get a two-for-one - you get to make birthdays all about you now, AND let your twin know they are the less important one (plus get all your family to play along - because obviously, they are going to have to put your wedding first.)

It's a horribly selfish and manipulative thing to do to your twin and to your family.

I think you need to take a long hard look at your issues with being a twin.

And, by the way, I don't say this lightly - your attitude is exactly the same as my ex-twins was. I say ex because her constant, seething resentment over being a twin, the 'indignity' of sharing a birthday and her pathological need to 'forge her own identity' - which was actually code for 'prove I am the most important sister and kick my twin in the cunt for daring to share a womb with me' led to some truly evil behaviour. She'd have pulled something just like this if she wouldn't have been filled with horror at the idea someone might say happy birthday to me on her wedding day!

I no longer talk to her.

FlossieTeacakesFurCoat18 · 24/06/2019 13:53

Also bear in mind that the way mumsnet has reacted is probably a pretty good representation of how your family and friends will view this decision. It's just a very weird thing to do, and makes you look a bit insane.

Teaandabiscuitplease · 24/06/2019 13:54

Did you DP suggest having it on one day so that he has fewer dates to remember and presents to buy? Wink

Anyway, YABVU! Pick a different date and don't be so bloody mean.

Original poster
Zipliner · 24/06/2019 13:54

is your twin a sister or a brother? I'm not sure it is relevant, but I notice that you haven't said.

its sister

if she was the one getting married and wanted to do so on our bday, it wouldnt matter to me, id be more excited that she is happy and wouldn't even want to bring in my birthday in it
as to why she is making an issue out of this baffles me, we have had 3 major birthdays already togetherConfused

finally, ill choose another date as its clear that this will affect our future relationship

thanks MN

OP posts:
feelingsinister · 24/06/2019 13:56

I honestly think it would be really shitty to do this especially as you know your twin wouldn't be happy about it.

Find another date and keep your birthday to celebrate with your twin.
I don't really understand why you'd want to and why your partner suggested it. It feels like you might both me deliberately excluding your twin.

Also, sorry to be doom and gloom but if you break up it will spoil your birthday I promise.

My anniversary with an ex fell on a significant date as did our breakup and for years afterwards these days were ruined and very hard for me.

MulticolourMophead · 24/06/2019 13:56

OP, It doesn't matter if you wouldn't be bothered. Your twin asked you not to pick that date, so she doesn't want your wedding overshadowing her birthday.

AryaStarkWolf · 24/06/2019 13:58

we have had 3 major birthdays already together

Yes but it's not really that you won't be having a birthday together though, I presume your DSis will be going to your wedding along with most people who would have been attending a 40th birthday party of your sisters so it's not you stopping her celebrating her birthday with you, it's stopping her celebrating it at all. It's a very selfish way you're looking at it

Sceptre86 · 24/06/2019 13:58

Change the date. My sister got married on my brother's birthday. We still celebrate his birthday on the day but she is usually absent as she is celebrating with her dh. My brother isn't actually bothered by it. If you and your twin are close then I could understand that they might want to celebrate your birthday together. Have you spent any apart? If she is not keen already why upset her? In regards to branching out, why have you not done so in the first 39 years of your life? Not really sure this is the way to do it. Going forward you don't always have to spend birthdays together, you might plan to go away with your dh or out for a meal as a couple which is perfectly fine.

Not sure why people find it so strange that other people celebrate their anniversaries? We do like to go away for a few days for ours or for a meal at the very least. Hope you get everything sorted.

Damntheman · 24/06/2019 13:58

Thing is though OP. Even though it doesn't matter to you and you wouldn't mind, it DOES matter to her. You don't need to understand why, you just need to consider if a good relationship with your twin is worth losing over this.

I'm glad you're going to find another date and I hope your wedding is wonderful.

Dishwashersaurous · 24/06/2019 13:59

I would be so sad if I were your sister

You are basically saying very clearly that your relationship with your husband is going to be at the expense of the inevitable close relationship with her

PCohle · 24/06/2019 14:00

I'm glad you're going to change it, I think that's absolutely the right thing to do.

Not only would this have ruined her 40th but you'll no doubt want to celebrate your "big" wedding anniversaries and that would ruin her 50th, 60th etc as well. It will create bad feelings for years.

Personally I wouldn't want to get married on my birthday anyway. Your anniversary should be about celebrating both of you a couple, if it's always on your birthday you won't get to do that.

IWannaSeeHowItEnds · 24/06/2019 14:04

How did your twin feel about going to the same uni etc. It's not all about you - I expect they also had to come to terms with sharing big life events.
Genuine question - how would you feel if your twin decided not to attend your wedding?
In all honesty I think you need to grow up. Bring a twin is just a fact of your life, it doesn't make you oppressed or even particularly hard done by. You've had 40 years to forge your own identity. Stop playing the martyr with all your 'branching out' bollocks and stop being selfish and recognise that you don't actually have a right to do whatever you want if it means taking something from your sibling.