Daughter branded as rude by another parent for not saying thank you when given a lift

[interestingdays]

My daughter's friend (both aged 8) told her that her mum thinks she's rude because she didnt say please or thank you when giving her a lift, recently. My daughter is generally v polite and manners are important to us. Does make me cross to think shes been judged and I'm straining not to send a message to say how upsetting it is to hear she's being branded as rude. My daughter is usually v polite but didnt know the mum and this was a new 'friend'. She may just have been v shy and uncertain.

Branded as rude?

Don't be dramatic.

Good idea!

Are you even certain your daughter didn’t say thankyou? Girls at that age can still be bitchy and make stuff up...’new friend’ might not be the friend your daughter thinks she is.

Adults know that a lift from another person is a favour, and that a quick thanks is in order.

8 year olds may not. Because they're 8 and adult concepts like thanking eachother for driving places isn't something they always fully understand yet.

The way some posters are commenting you'd think she flipped her off on the way out

It’s interesting because I work with 7/8 year olds and I can count the ones that say please and thank you reliably on one hand. I get asked to tie laces, help with all sorts and 80% of the time I have to remind them to say thank you.

Are people really branding an 8 year old child as a "rude child" without knowing anything personal about the child ?? Seriously?

Op - She's 8. It's a lesson well learnt so just remind her that in situations like this she always show gratitude by saying thank you to the host. They're learning so much at that age and it sometimes difficult for them to brand certain gestures as an act of kindness.

Fair enough If posters agree that she was rude in that situation but to label her a rude child is quite immature I must say .
I do wonder what world people on Mumsnet leave in !!!!

As someone who was painfully shy at that age I disagree with a lot of these comments. I always remember my sister shouting at me because I didn't thank someone for something once. I knew at the time I should have thanked them but I didn't just because I was shy. It seems ridiculous to me now why I couldn't. I personally wouldn't message the mum. Just reassure DD and remind her to say it next time.

Did YOU thank the other parent for the lift? When it was arranged?

I wouldn't expect an 8yo to see a lift as a favour to them - it's presumably been organised between the parents, so it's just logistics

That is a good point.

When it happened to me, at a similar age, I think perhaps she had taken us out somewhere as was expecting a thank you for the outing.

I had friends with whom my parents would share drop offs/pick ups to swimming and Guides etc, so it was just a lift / logistics.

I think I probably did say thank you (having been so mortified by the other incident) but I don't actually remember and I don't think it was particularly expected.

It's horrible hearing someone has said something negative about your child. I'd just say to your daughter that even if she's shy, she can still say please and thank you. I imagine the mum said it in a throw away kind of way and didnt imagine it would be passed on to you or your daughter

And lesson learned, no? Next time, you just say to her "remember to say thank you to X's Mum
I still say that to dd and she's 15.

The girl is 8, not 18. I wouldn't be too concerned. As a pp said, it's different being given something tangible, when you know from about 3/4 to say thank you. A lift is more nebulous.

Anyway was the parent doing the child a favour or her parent? I would say the latter, so I would expect the parent to say thank you.

OkMaybeNot

I hadn't actually thought to teach my daughter to say thank you for lifts

Why the hell not? Rude child, rude parent.

I'd expect a goodbye from an 8 year old rather than a thank you.

Presumably the 8 year old didn't request the lift, and the mother didn't offer it, so it's unlikely to have occurred to her that it was a situation requiring a 'thank you' unless someone specifically tells her 'if an adult other than your parents drives you somewhere you must say thank you'.

Well you know now she didn't say thank you so you need to apologize to the Mum for the oversight and just thank her yourself. I'd make sure your 8 year old knows when to say thank you and get her to practice at home.Hopefully she wont forget again.

My DCs both know to say please and thank you and despite appalling behaviour in other respects (he has SEN) the after school club leader says DS is one of the politest children she knows.
Even so, they can both forget, and DD is often paralysed by shyness when meeting someone new.

@Bluntness100

Oh don't be so stupid. If someone forgets to say thank you it's actually incredibly rude and crass to point it out so the mum in this case was by far the most rude. While it's good manners to say thank you for a lift it's actually meaningless and it should be the parent whose child was dropped off who says thank you not the child. If you didn't give my child a lift home they wouldn't have been stranded at school - I would have had to go out and get them. It makes no difference to the child either way. It's my time and petrol which has been saved.

I think it’s that age where you start doing things away from parents and having to thank people yourself without being reminded by your mum or dad. She’ll get there but as pp said you have to remind every time.

This information has also come third hand between two 8yr olds...

I have noticed far ruder behaviour from my children's friends but do NOT tell my children my views.

Maybe your should to help her learn, just like her friends mum does. Also comment on good behaviour.

OP I can guarantee that all the posters saying your child is rude are clueless. I bet you any money they their children have neglected to say please and thank you before - especially when shy in a new situation.

It's actually far far more rude of this mother and child to make someone who was their guest feel uncomfortable by calling them rude than for your DD to forget to say thank you on one occasion.

Responses on this thread are far more rude than your daughter.

And pretty nasty. Hang your heads in shame people.

Well. She's only 8.
It's still very young and she was with an adult she didn't know well, probably felt shy.

I WOULD text the mum. Or speak to her when I saw her, and thank her very much for the lift (perhaps you could offer a lift another time), say DD thinks she hadn't said thank you and was very upset that you had then said she was rude. Obviously we'll work on the manners, didn't mean to cause any offence.

"Please will you give me a lift home Mrs Smith?" or if the child was supposed to walk home and the adult offers "would you like me to drive you home Sally?" = those are situations where a thank you is obviously expected.

But in this case it was more likely a "Get in the car Sally, it's time to go home" which to most children that age would just require you to do as you were told by the adult, rather than to give thanks.