Daughter branded as rude by another parent for not saying thank you when given a lift

[interestingdays]

My daughter's friend (both aged 8) told her that her mum thinks she's rude because she didnt say please or thank you when giving her a lift, recently. My daughter is generally v polite and manners are important to us. Does make me cross to think shes been judged and I'm straining not to send a message to say how upsetting it is to hear she's being branded as rude. My daughter is usually v polite but didnt know the mum and this was a new 'friend'. She may just have been v shy and uncertain.

Yep I judge by dd's friends if they don't say thank you.

She was rude but I wouldn't worry too much about it as she's only 8 and sometimes shyness can take over.

It's all part of growing up and now she knows that sort of thing is considered rude, it might make her more likely to use her manners in future.

As for the other mum, I'm sure there will be times when her DD will forget her manners too.

She was rude.

What do you think the other parent has done wrong? She has made a judgement based on what she has seen. That's all we can all do. If your child was as polite as you believe her to be she would use her manners in each and every situation, using manners would be second nature and almost reflexive.

We're talking about an 8 year old. Some of the responses on this thread (from people who are hopefully possibly older than 8) are rude and really fucking nasty.

This ^

She's a young child FFS, she may have just forgotten or been preoccupied getting out of the car. I'd be far more judgemental of a grown adult getting their knickers in a twist about this.

I’m curious why you’re supposing that your daughter could have been uncertain or shy rather than just asking her why she didn’t say thank you.

She was rude. If you send that message, you’ll being even ruder.

I remember this exact thing happening to me at about the same age. Was given a lift by another parent back from brownies and they lived about 2 doors away from where I lived. When they dropped me off I said goodbye but did not thank them. I was a VERY polite and extremely shy child but did not equate the lift with needing to thank. As a PP had said it just wasn't a tangible thing so I just politely said goodbye and was met with a very passive aggressive "well thanks for the lift then" from the mum and it was only at this point that I realised I should have thanked her. She's not gone in anyway out of her way and I just felt like I was getting brought home safely by a parent. Anyway, I have always remembered that moment and still think of the mum as a massive ARSEHOLE quite frankly.

I would not have batted an eyelid had I given an 8 year old a lift and they hadn't thanked me. Especially if it was the exact route I was driving anyway and I knew them very very well

If you're going to text the other mum it should be to say 'sorry if DD didn't thank you for the lift, she can be a bit shy, it's something we're working on. It was much appreciated, thanks"

No need to do anything. With your daughter, just hum a bit and say, well, it is rude not to say please and thanks and they're things you can't refuse to say even if you are shy. Then change the subject, don't dwell on it, let it go and don't contact the mum, as she is no doubt unaware her daughter has said anything. This experience will help your daughter learn her manners in a different way to you telling her - many things don't really hammer home with children until their peers point them out, unfortunately.

I’m going against the grain and feel it’s rather mean on a shy 8 year old to judge on 1 missing thank you in a lift situation. Also unkind to have the judgement passed on to the 8 year old by a friend. I wouldn’t send a message to the mum but would be wary of child and mum.

It’s rude to not say thank you. So yes she rude

I gave a daily lift to a classmate of DS - a girl of 11 - for over a year. 20-25 minutes each way.

She never even bothered acknowledging my presence, let alone said thank you. I was silently seething after a few months, homicidal with suppressed rage after the whole year. She just got in the car, stayed on the phone texting etc the whole time, then got out and walked off when we stopped.

I never said anything to her mother but my DS and I both found her massively rude!

She's only eight and just learning. I wouldn't brand a small child rude for that, especially not to my own child. Completely unnecessary and unkind. When did we all get so judgemental? She's not 18. Sometimes even adults forget, we're all human you know. These comments are nuts.

I remember being that age and older and being embarrassed to speak directly to adults I didn’t know, even to say thanks, even though i knew to be polite. I think what didn’t help was a friends mum who sort of laughed at me when I fumbled and stumbled my way through a thanks- we were both a bit embarrassed by it probably

I must be missing the nasty posts. I can't see a single one. Is it that people are disagreeing with the OP? It is of course rude not to say thank you for a lift and 8 years old is plenty old enough to mind your manners. Hardly a big deal though is it? You remind the kid about the importance of thank yous and move on.

Sorry meant to add I think the other parent should’ve had a bit of empathy for this rather than launch into how rude your daughter was especially when your daughter clearly knows she was being spoken about

Good grief. She's 8! We ALL teach our children to say thank you but sometimes they are shy, only think of it later, are busy trying time get our of a seat belt etc.
I certainly wouldn't judge the parents of a child who forgot anyway.

Don't worry about it. It's stuff like this that make being a mother these days so damn stressful! No child behaves perfectly all the time.
And those of you who are so convinced your child is alwats polite to other adults-they're not!

She not necessarily saying she's rude full stop, just rude in that situation.

I can remember being picked up on things as a child - it's not really the end of the world. Maybe people did that more back in the 70s when i was young.

At eight she’s old enough to have learnt basic manners. She was rude. Very rude. Maybe focus on ensuring she does say please and thank you each and every time it’s required.

never said anything to her mother but my DS and I both found her massively rude!
If the girl was 11 why on earth wouldn't you just say to her "it would be more polite if you would interact a bit-thanks."
!

If you're thinking about texting the other mother, 'thanks for DD's lift' might be a start.

No biggie, remind DD manners matter.

Send a text to the mum thanking her and offering to reciprocate
Maybe ask if your daughter said thank you as she normally would but was feeling but shy?
Surely this is a much better way of handling the situation ???

Your daughter is rude.

YABU

I'd be far more judgemental of a grown adult getting their knickers in a twist about this.

100% agree with this.

And TwinkleWings has explained perfectly why this doesn’t equate to rudeness from an EIGHT year old.