Daughter branded as rude by another parent for not saying thank you when given a lift

[interestingdays]

My daughter's friend (both aged 8) told her that her mum thinks she's rude because she didnt say please or thank you when giving her a lift, recently. My daughter is generally v polite and manners are important to us. Does make me cross to think shes been judged and I'm straining not to send a message to say how upsetting it is to hear she's being branded as rude. My daughter is usually v polite but didnt know the mum and this was a new 'friend'. She may just have been v shy and uncertain.

That should have read, I would think the mum was being sarcastic.

She's is rude. I can't stand bad manners.

Why do people have to be so unkind towards an 8 year old? She's still young and is learning, she's not a robot.

I'd expect these responses if we were talking about a 15 year old, but 8? Come on. Why are some people so desperate to be offended?

She's young and she forgot. It wasn't an intentional snub FFS. Anyone who gets annoyed by this really needs to have a word with themselves.

I think some people think teaching children to say please and thank you is the be-all and end-all of manners. I strongly suspect some people on here are probably massive arseholes just like the mum that spoke rudely to me as a child because I didn't say thank you (and as an aside, she was a massive arsehole who thought she was better than everyone and cheated on her husband with a colleague in a cupboard at work and broke up her family!!!) There are many occasions I can remember her being less that courteous to me when I was a child BUT IT'S OK BECAUSE HER KIDS ALWAYS SAID PLEASE AND THANK YOU!!

I am an intelligent, professional mother of 3 who always does my best to treat people with respect and I instil that in my children too. I teach them to say please and thank you (they do NOT remember all the time and often need prompting - this is normally done by me more to let other parents know that I do each them to say please and thank you.) I was taught to say please and thank you. BUT AT EIGHT YEARS OLD I DID NOT REALISE THAT I SHOULD HAVE THANKED FOR A LIFT.

There is so much more to manners than saying please or thank you. There is so much more that makes someone rude than just forgetting to say please or thank you. Some of the rudest most unkind people i have met don't forget there Ps and Qs.

*their

There is a different between "[behavior] is rude" versus "[person] is rude."

If the 8yo did not say thank you, then the adults around her should be using this as an opportunity to teach her, not branding her as a rude person.

I don't believe half the posters here who insist that their 8yo would OF COURSE have remembered. Every single time? Seriously? Manners are a learning process for kids.

@TwinkleWings Spot on. I encountered people like this too as a child. They're far more unpleasant than a kid that forgot their Ps and Qs.

Not rtft, glad to see some sense from twinkle wings though. Personally I have taught my children not to accept lifts without checking with a parent first. At that age, it would have been me thanking the parent as I would have been either there to see them get in the car, or I would have been there to greet them at the other end. There is no way I would be allowing my child to get a lift with a new friend who I didn’t know very well without close supervision.
Once they are in a car they can be miles away before you realise there is a problem.

How else was your daughter going to get home? Kids don’t think of getting at lift as a “favour” however they get home at that age is down to an adult and presumably the other mum took that responsibility .
I would be judging her not your daughter, unless she was actually rude in other ways whilst on her company and the mother just picked on that.

"it should pose no problem for her to write a card along the lines of : So sorry I forgot to say thank for my lift. I really appreciate it. Please accept this flowers as my personal thank you"

Thats one of the most bonkers things ive read on mn. If i got a card like that i'd assume the parent had taken leave of their senses.

She's a young child, may have been nervous or shy. My six year old will play nicely with fiends but clams up horribly with grown ups. No rudeness, just very shy.

Great post @TwinkleWings

There’s more to manners than going through the motions, and there’s more to treating people with kindness and respect than the perceived social contract of i do this, you say that

I said earlier that i find an adult talking about a child in this way and making them feel uncomfortable far far ruder than a momentary lapse or a bit of shyness, and i do wonder if she’d be bitching about the person where it could get back to them if instead of a child it had been someone she perceived as equal or superior, ie a new friend she’d made herself in the area or a work colleague

I think certain people expect deference from those they perceive as beneath them and like to flex on this when they wouldn’t say boo to a goose if it was a different individual

It reminds me of the thread a few week ago from the poster whose selectively mute teenage dd had been humiliated by a shop assistant for not saying thank you when she handed her change over. You just know that the people behaving in this ‘i am a STICKLER for manners’ fashion are just passing on their frustration at something else in their life on to people they perceive as being lower in the pecking order

Normal ppl just shrug and get on with their day

Wow, can't believe so many people think it's worth making a deal out of. 8 year olds can be quite shy and I wouldn't have cared tbh, it's careless or forgetfulness if they are not being repeatedly or actively rude. It's quite different from giving them a gift or something. It must be exhausting to be so bothered about minor things to make a fuss.

Very helpful and specific advice. Did you think OP would teach her dd to say fuck off if you didn’t tell her how to say ‘Thank you’

This did make me laugh though.

I would not expect a thank you from an 8 yr old for giving them a lift however would be nice to hear it from the parents.

I think anyone who is saying your DD is being rude needs to get a grip🙄 Actually I think its rude from the other mum to be judging an 8 year old!

You just know that the people behaving in this ‘i am a STICKLER for manners’ fashion are just passing on their frustration at something else in their life on to people they perceive as being lower in the pecking order.

Exactly. It's classic bullying behaviour.

So, Frog soup, you happen to be one of the few that insist on good manners, well done to you, but it still doesn't negate the many that don't.

Christ people - shes 8! She was clearly NOT being rude on purpose.
OP - just remind you DD that her friends mum did her (and you) a nice favour and next time to remember to say thank you. Dont worry too much over it tho. They all forget some times. You could always drop the mum a txt to say thank you yourself. Just to clear the air and let her know you are aware your DD forgot.

I agree with @PettyContractor!

Bloody hell she is 8 years old. Kids that age don't always think of these things if they don't have an adult with them to remind them.

Just remind her to say please and thank you at times when it's necessary.

If her friends parent really has made a point of calling her rude she needs to get a grip! It wouldn't have been intentional to have a lift and be ungrateful about it.

Ated perhaps, but there's always this assumption by many on here that if a child fails to say please or thank you, it must be because they are being dragged up by apes. Actually most 8yos will be rude sometimes, inadvertently, because they are, well, 8.

I would hope my 7 year old would say thank you but I'm sure she doesn't all the time, not because she's rude but she's probably just forgot or thinking about other things. One of the first things I would say to my dc though would be 'I hope you said thank you'. They're still learning at that age. If a child of another age didn't say thanks to me I probably wouldn't give it another thought!

I wonder if the mum really did say anything she might have said something mild like “x forgot to say thank you this time dd try to remember to say thank you when you have lift” or something and her kid has twisted it? Sorry but dd has some quite mean girls in her class and could well imagine them doing that

If she didn't say thanks or please then she was impolite.

What @TheHandsOfNeilBuchanan said

I don’t know what the exact scenario is but at 8 years old I wouldn’t be expecting the child to make her own way home from, say, a play date at the other child’s house. Was the mother of the other child going massively out of her way at your daughter’s request or something? Because, to me, that’s the only reason I could have said it would be rude to not say thank you. I might expect a parent to say “thanks for dropping her home safe” but I certainly wouldn’t be labelling a child as rude over her not realising she was expected to say thank you.

An 8 year old needed to get home safely under adult supervision. That’s not a favour, that’s a basic part of being an adult that’s responsible for a child. The 8 year old had no other options but to get home via whatever means of transportation that the adults around her arranged.

A 16 year old getting a lift coming back from a party late at night? Yes, of course, would be rude to not thank the driver, but at 8?!

The other mother is the one who comes across as rude and unkind to be honest.

And the poster that gave a lift to two children in a family crisis and who was angry that the children affected by the crisis forgot to say thank you? That one left me speechless.