Daughter branded as rude by another parent for not saying thank you when given a lift

[interestingdays]

My daughter's friend (both aged 8) told her that her mum thinks she's rude because she didnt say please or thank you when giving her a lift, recently. My daughter is generally v polite and manners are important to us. Does make me cross to think shes been judged and I'm straining not to send a message to say how upsetting it is to hear she's being branded as rude. My daughter is usually v polite but didnt know the mum and this was a new 'friend'. She may just have been v shy and uncertain.

I always walk out to the car and thank the parent myself

Maybe your should to help her learn, just like her friends mum does. Also comment on good behaviour.

Errr no that's about the most passive aggressive possible way of "helping a child learn" (aka putting them down) you could imagine. I often very nicely remind a child to say please and thank you at the time I wouldn't be so passive aggressive as to moan about "rudeness" behind their back and then pretend I was teaching them a lesson. That's a bad message to send my own kid anyway.

I wouldn't be impressed if I gave a child a lift and they didn't say thank you, regardless of their age and whether they know me or not! I expect my children to be polite, even to strangers.

People put themselves out in terms of time and finances to provide lifts for other people. If that doesn't deserve a polite 'thank you' then what does! In fact, you are being rude in thinking it's not important.

Some of these replies!!! I think there are certainly some rude people around this evening, but none of them are eight years old.

Or get her to write a little note saying sorry I forgot to say thank you for the lift, I was a bit shy.

Are people mental? 🤦🏻‍♀️

It's really horrible the amount of replies saying 'she was rude', flatly, like that's it, no question.

As some PPs have said, the little girl is 8. I'm sure she says thanks lots. And ideally she would have this time too. But she didn't, it's not a big deal & this type of reaction is nuts.

As parents we keep reminding & reminding our kids to be polite, mannerly & say thank you etc. It's ongoing, setting examples. It's nothing awful if they don't realise every time or forget - they are children, they'll get there & adults should be nicer.

OP don't send a text, casually say to your DD, oh yes, it's mannerly to say thanks, do that next time, but don't worry about what friend said, that's probably got a bit mixed up along the line.

However, if this is a first "crime" I wouldn't say anything to anyone about it - like she did her daughter. If it continued then I'd say I wasn't impressed

God one kid we gave lifts to used to criticise our car and us! She was a rude little git though parents delightful

That's really rude of your daughter. I think she needs some reminding of manners

@OkMaybeNot

The way some posters are commenting you'd think she flipped her off on the way out

😂😂😂

Like a PP have said if the kid was walking home alone and the parent stopped to give a lift then you might expect a thank you (although a normal person would forgive an 8 year old for forgetting).

If an 8 year old needs to be driven back from school/ a party and are told to get into X's car they're just doing what they're told. You haven't done them a favour by driving them you've done their parent a favour. The parent should be the one to thank you not the child (who would probably prefer to be driven home by their own mum than a stranger anyway).

She’s eight, most children her age are still learning social niceties. Children are very straightforward and have to learn all these unspoken social rules that don’t make sense to them yet. Explain to your child that it’s polite to say thank you for a lift and let it go.

DD is a very polite child it's often mentioned by the teachers and she is also used as an example.

However I know she can sometimes forget to say please and thank you. If I'm there, I can pull her up on it. If I'm not I can only address it if I'm told.

Just because she's normally polite,doesn't mean she can't be rude at times and that other people might think that on occasion. So what?

How many adults don’t say please or thank you ?

Give the poor little girl a break ! And the woman who thought this really needs to get a life !

@nothingtowearever

You're really quite silly. Kids forget to say thank you - even your kids do (I know shocking - by your own judgement your kids are rude). Kids especially forget to say thank you in arbitrary situations where no one has actually done them a favour. The mum did OP a favour not OP's DD.

Jesus. She's 8 and didn't say thank you one time

Agree with pp's that small children maybe don't see lifts as a favour they should be grateful for, compared to a present or being given sweets or something. Or maybe it was just shyness. Obviously she should be taught to say thank you but for a grown woman to get her knickers in a twist enough to talk about your daughter to her daughter? Definite overreaction.

My daughter struggles to say a word to a person she doesn't know. Has been looked at for selective mutism over the years and is borderline. She would find it very hard to say anything in circumstances like this until she had met a few times. I would feel very sad for her if someone made such a hasty decision about her. Luckily most parents I know are much like my husband and I, and understand that young children can be shy sometimes.

@HolesinTheSoles erm you actually know nothing whatsoever about my life so you can keep your judgmental comments to yourself. Glad to see you've got some great manners yourself. Good job

I wouldn't be impressed if I gave a child a lift and they didn't say thank you, regardless of their age and whether they know me or not!

Why would a young child say thank you for a favour you've done to their parents? Odd logic you have there. You're also massively naive if you think your own kids don't forget to say please and thank you (even in situations where it's logic unlike this one).

she's eight fr goodness sake.
I wouldn't have batted an eyelid if she didn't say thank you.
The only thing I would have assumed is that she is shy.
It's really no big deal.
The adult (friend's mum) is the one who needs to get over herself!
The fact she is making a big deal out of it says a lot more about her than it does about the child and takes away the kindness and enjoyment of the gift.

It's a lift, not an organ donation ! If I was giving the lift and child thanked, I'd think the child has confidence. If they didn't, but we're polite when spoken to, no surleyness or arrogance, it's all good enough for me.

I do however notice if a child is always ungrateful, rude and definitely spiteful.

I loathe people who expect people to bow down for a little small favour.

OP, don’t message the mum or you’ll create more gossip.

None of the kids I give lifts to ever say thank you, but they are perfectly nice polite kids. People should cut kids some slack in these situations.

Yes YABU, and rather over dramatic "branded as rude"
It really isnt a big deal.

If another child got out of my car without saying thanks, I might use it as a learning situation for my dc, yes, in a "I hope you always remember to thank other people's parents if they drop you home" way, rather than a "I want to criticise this child" way. I can see her friend might have not been very tactful in then telling her.

Though
I hadn't actually thought to teach my daughter to say thank you for lifts
..... it does sound as if your dd's friend has done her a favour by stepping up to teach her what you haven't.

The mother has been precious, and is out of order for sharing her negative opinion of your child with her daughter. That's not fair on anyone, and could cloud their friendship. I do so hate it when passive aggressive messages are relayed through the children.

This mother doesn't even know your daughter, and has seen only a very small snapshot.

I am THE biggest stickler for manners, but wouldn't get my knickers in a knot if a child neglected to say thanks as a one-off.

Lol the mum sounds petty as fuck. Imagine getting offended an EIGHT year old didn’t say thanks for a car ride she’d have done anyway because of her own daughter.