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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Daughter branded as rude by another parent for not saying thank you when given a lift

483 replies

interestingdays · 23/06/2019 19:56

My daughter's friend (both aged 8) told her that her mum thinks she's rude because she didnt say please or thank you when giving her a lift, recently. My daughter is generally v polite and manners are important to us. Does make me cross to think shes been judged and I'm straining not to send a message to say how upsetting it is to hear she's being branded as rude. My daughter is usually v polite but didnt know the mum and this was a new 'friend'. She may just have been v shy and uncertain.

OP posts:

TheTrollFairy · 23/06/2019 20:25

Might just have been said in a way to teach her own daughter to be polite? Sometimes I ask DD if behaviour etc is good or bad when we have seen other kids misbehaved

MagneticSingularity · 23/06/2019 20:25

Surprised at the number of people who think it’s only if you give a child some physical object that they should be expected to say thank you. Of course they should say thanks for a lift and eight is quite old enough to know this.

Notablecharacter · 23/06/2019 20:26

It’s not great for a parent to badmouth a child to their friend. Far worse behaviour than an eight year old forgetting to say thank you.

SallyWD · 23/06/2019 20:26

My 8 year old daughter tells me she does say thank you when given a lift. I have to say NONE of her friends ever thank me if I give them lifts, cook them a meal or take them out somewhere. The only time they say thank you is if their parents tell them to. These are all well brought up kids from nice families but because none of them ever thank me for anything I just assumed this was normal for 8 year olds.

Catapultaway · 23/06/2019 20:26

Think it all depends on context, and as you don't know the context, this is Chinese whispers with 8 year old then I wouldn't be texting her mum.
She was probably using it as a lesson for her own 8 year old in teaching manners. You should use it as the same.

Gunpowder · 23/06/2019 20:26

Wow! I also wouldn’t judge an eight year old for forgetting/being too shy to say thank you on one occasion. Childhood is for making mistakes and learning how to deal with social situations, she’s 8 not 18!

DD1 once forgot to say thank you after a party so we recorded a video clip of her saying it and forwarded it to the party mum. Thankfully she was far more understanding than some of the posters here. OP of course your daughter isn’t rude.

WidowTwonky · 23/06/2019 20:26

DS2 is 8 and I honestly don’t think I’ve ever had a Thankyou from any of his friends for a lift or similar. Handing something to an 8 yr old then yes, but a lift...no.
Other parent was OTT

CastleGin · 23/06/2019 20:27

My 5 year old often doesn't say please and thank you. It's because she's shy but it's still rude.

If another parent gave her a lift and she didn't say thank you, than said parent pointed out this was rude I would agree, and remind my child the importance of manners.

Then we'd all move on with our lives.

DontTouchMyCurls · 23/06/2019 20:27

OP, I was extremely shy as a kid and know what's it like to be too scared to speak. Even to utter a thank you. I don't think rudeness and shyness are the same.

I wouldn't text the parent though. Possibly to explain she's shy and thank her on her behalf but not to complain

TheCanterburyWhales · 23/06/2019 20:28

She's not a rude child. On that specific occasion, she was rude. If, as you say, it's a new friendship and a parent she doesn't know, then it's understandable that the other parent (who doesn't know your dd) might think she was rude.
I remember when dd's best friend started coming round, same age more or less, and I'd offer things and it would be "yes" "no".
I thought she was rude. I've known her now for 8 yrs and there's not a nicer more polite kid on the planet. She just wasn't at the age of 8. It's no big deal.
Presumably you've already said thank you for the lift?

Original poster

interestingdays · 23/06/2019 20:29

Exactly. This was a new friend, going with a mother she didnt know. She was 8 and didnt relate it to being handed something & was prob a bit unnerved not to be with me/ someone familiar. I have noticed far ruder behaviour from my children's friends but do NOT tell my children my views.

OP posts:

BlueBuilding · 23/06/2019 20:30

Surely as the adult in that situation you just pull the other child up there and then with a simple "What do you say?". You don't gossip about her to your own 8yo.

She's just a kid, sometimes they don't get it right.

OP I would just text and ask. Just say "X mentioned that you felt DD had been rude when you had her the other day. I'm so sorry if this is the case, can you please let me know what happened so I can talk to her about it?"

What more can you do?? She sounds like a normal 8yo to me.

HomeMadeMadness · 23/06/2019 20:30

I think the other mum was being silly. My eldest is 8 and when I give lifts the kids often forget to say thank you. Mainly because the lift was actually a favour to their parents not to them. If I didn't drive them their parents would have to. Most of them do remember to say please and thank-you in general though and I don't think them at all rude.

Some parents go out of their way to find fault with other children though (and are usually fairly clueless about how their own children act away from home!).

yourestandingonmyneck · 23/06/2019 20:31

Lol, you would be crazy to message this mum. Can you not see that?? The mum would clearly just think "well, that's obviously where she gets it from!"

It happened to me. Probably about 7 or 8. My mum didn't really teach me much in the way of manners etc so I was left to figure things out for myself. One time two of my friends and I were dropped off somewhere by one of the girls' mum. The girl said at school the next day that her mum thought we were very rude as neither of us said thank you. I was mortified. Absolutely devastated. Anyway, 30+ years later I have never, ever made that mistake again. And I suspect your daughter will have learned from it as well.

YourSarcasmIsDripping · 23/06/2019 20:32

Meh it's no big deal.

The lack of thanks could be seen as rude on that occasion. The parent thinking that doesn't mean she's written off your DD as an ASBO and will start a smearing campaign against her.

On the other hand I wouldn't bother mentioning to DD that her friend was rude for simply not saying thanks one time.

You're both OTT, her with manners at all costs over a non event and you going all mother bear over a non event.

Anothertempusername · 23/06/2019 20:32

Guys she's 8. Come on.

RosamundButterfly · 23/06/2019 20:32

Wouldn't bother me at all if an 8yo got out of the car without saying thank you. It's nice if they do, but absolutely no judging. She's only 8. The lift has already been offered & accepted & arranged.

YANBU

Bluntness100 · 23/06/2019 20:32

It doesn't matter how you try to justify it, or how rude other kids are, or how polite your child normally is.

Your child was rude in this scenario. That's it. The mother has done nothing wrong. Your kid was rude. End of.

number1wang · 23/06/2019 20:32

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

SukiPutTheEarlGreyOn · 23/06/2019 20:32

She’s 8 for goodness sake. One incident doesn't make a child rude. Also, if shy she may have said thank you quietly but not been heard. Don’t contact the mum though, really not worth it. Rather than focussing on this, it’s probably better work on strategies to build confidence when interacting with friends’ parents in the future

redspider1 · 23/06/2019 20:33

I would forgive an 8 year old as they may have felt shy etc
Don’t text mum just remind your dd if the importance of manners.
Or get her to write a little note saying sorry I forgot to say thank you for the lift, I was a bit shy.

CasperGutman · 23/06/2019 20:33

Surprised at the number of people who think it’s only if you give a child some physical object that they should be expected to say thank you.

That's not what people are saying, I don't think. They're saying that an 8-year-old is less likely to realise they should say thank you for a lift. I can understand this - my son is seven and I drive him places all the time. He doesn't need to thank me, we're just travelling together. I'm not sure if he'd think to say thanks to a friend's parent if they drove him somewhere, though of course he should.

MadamMMA · 23/06/2019 20:33

Bit odd to tell your child that imo, I’d probably expect a text from you to say thanks but I think I’m this case the other mum was rude to discuss this with her child

Sakura7 · 23/06/2019 20:34

As someone who didn't exactly have the most normal parents, I missed out on a lot of basic life skills/social skills and only picked them up later from learning from peers. If an adult had told me I was rude it would have made me feel really embarrassed and self conscious.

To the parents complaining that this 8 year old girl is so terribly rude, maybe have a bit of empathy (and common sense). I'm not suggesting OP is anything like my parents, there are lots of reasons why a child might not meet your high standards from time to time. There's rarely any bad intention behind it.

Original poster

interestingdays · 23/06/2019 20:34

I wouldnt actually message the mum. And no I'm not crazy lol. But I'm annoyed at her labelling. I hadn't actually thought to teach my daughter to say thank you for lifts - only for items. Good lesson for me too. But what a harsh reaction.

OP posts:

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