I want to go grey, but DH says no!

[KindleAndCake]

Who is being unreasonable?
I'm in my 40's and fed up of the constant dying of my hair. I've said I'm going to stop, but he says no. He really doesn't want me to. I've pointed out that he is going grey, but it seems it's one rule for him, and all that.

Out of interest, does constant dying your hair make it go grey quicker?

I used to have a husband like this OP. I look back now and think I look like a bloody dog’s dinner. I’m a bit older now and think I look a lot younger than I did 10 years ago because I do what I think looks better and my new partner agrees.

So under 32 and have two very obvious grey and white streaks from temple through ponytail. I can’t be arsed with hair dye and intend to let it do its thing. Shame it wasn’t before game of thrones ended as I could have done a great Targaryen dress up without a wig

Does your DH keep himself in trim too? Does he diet and exercise and possess the body of a twenty year old? Or does he, as most men of forty do, have a little dad paunch and slacker muscles than he once had? Does he dress smartly and appropriately for his age and look after his skin and hair?

If he fails to live up to the exacting standards he is setting you, then perhaps he needs a little advice about his lifestyle and habits.

I think that when you serve him dinner ( if you do) without lashings of potato or pasta (or whatever) and suggest he goes for a run when he wants to watch the football ( or whatever), he will stop coming the raw prawn about your hair.

He’s entitled to an opinion-he is your other half after all. But it’s your decision, the fact you asked him would suggest to me you value his opinion.

A poster upthread made an interesting point about people saying, "My dh loves me whatever" etc. I wonder if people would be less confident about grey hair if they were single and on the lookout for a partner. This applies to both sexes: dh's friend who is 54 has hit the bottle!

People's photos: you all look lovely. But you look lovely all over . I am a bit dumpy and very pale. I don't have grey hair yet (one or two wires appearing at the temples) but I can well imagine that grey hair will be a challenge for me and I will definitely not suddenly morph into the editor of Vogue.

I have very dark brown hair and I am now very grey in the front and sides but still very dark elsewhere. I like the idea of going grey but I would look like a badger!
I'm going to keep dying mine for now (I'm 51).

Im doing this and am now adding extra grey in as silver highlights to even out my hair and also went short so quite a transformation but wanted it to look intentional and embracing the process rather than "going grey" kicking and screaming. Love it

Your dh is a cheeky bastard! There is nothing wrong with embracing your natural colour, whatever that may be. I'm 43 and have started going a little grey around my temples, but i'll be damned if i am going ti start dyeing it now! My hair is a lovely red/brown colour and I want to keep it that way and not cover it with fake looking colour. Stand your ground OP!

Thing is, men and women have been conditioned for decades into thinking 'grey hair (on women only) = old'. Therefore only 'old' women have grey hair.

Men have never had this societal pressure, and therefore can have grey hair at any age, and no one thinks the same, because we have not been conditioned to think it about men.

As shown in this thread, many many women still perpetuate this thinking, without any thought or justification behind it.

Happily, many other women have given this outdated misogynist thinking the finger, and will do what makes them happy, rather than what makes some other old-fashioned person happy.

If he then doesn't 'fancy' you, or thinks that other people will think badly of him for being seen out with an 'old' person, then quite frankly he is a twat and I personally wouldn't be seen out with such a twat, whatever his hair colour.

You are more than hair colour.

Male perspective here. Dye it.
I understand your points, agree with most but seriously, dye it.
My two cents...
He still see's you as a young attractive lady. In his eyes you haven't aged at all. He doesn't focus on wrinkles, never probably spot them unless they are pointed out. People can blur small things out of their vision. However hair colour is a very striking thing, and grey hair is a grandmother thing. He probably won't notice the colour too much when he's looking directly at you, but there will be a time when he's looking for you in a crowd, or walking behind you when he see's it starkly and that won't be good. To most men hair colour like make-up, we don't notice it unless its not there. Would you stop wearing make up?

Has he said "No, you are not" or is he just expressing that he prefers you with dyed hair. What would he do if you went grey? If the answer is nothing then there is no problem.

My DH has a thing about longhair. He told me he would be very upset if I cut off my hair. That wouldn't stop me doing it though if I wanted to, which I don't.

The person who says long hair is witchy can FTFO. My hair is down my back and looks better than it ever did. If you leave it scraggy then yes it looks witchy, but if like me you spend loads of time looking after it, it looks fantastic

Oh well, now a man has spoken and told you what to do, OP, jump to it and grab that Nice’n’Easy immediately. God forbid that you don’t look like a “young, attractive lady”. Oh and make sure you touch your lipstick up before you go to the shops.

This reminds me so much of the arsehole stupid enough to say in my husband’s hearing “You’re a very attractive woman, why don’t you dye your hair?” Before I could draw breath, the reply came from behind me “Because it’s a beautiful colour, why would she want to get rid of one of her greatest assets?”.

Would you stop wearing make up? oh fuck off with your misogynistic bullshite. I have rarely worn makeup and my DH never once treated me as if I was less attractive. He also let me decide how MY hair should look. God help any woman that would have to put up with your misogynistic expectations. I hope you make sure to die your hair, and get a chest/back wax, when your body hair follow suit.

Alsohuman, now that’s a man that lives and respects his wife. Maybe he could give our resident misogynist some advice.

Lives=loves

I know. He’s a definite keeper. I had grey hair when we met.

• I have rarely worn makeup and my DH never once treated me as if I was less attractive.

Why did you wear it on that occasion then?

Female perspective here. Papersizes needs to learn how to use apostrophes.

I have rarely worn makeup and my DH never once treated me as if I was less attractive.

Why did you wear it on that occasion then?
For a class reunion.
For me.
Because I went to school with misogynistic judgemental wankers.
Because I was younger and was worried about what misogynistic judgemental wankers thought of me.
Because society socialisation trains women to worry about how they are judged by misogynistic judgemental wankers.

I no longer care about being judged by shallow, misogynistic judgemental wankers. It’s very refreshing.

'Male perspective here'

Er, no. It's your perspective, mate.

Thankfully there are many men out there who don't have your tediously reductionist view of how a woman should look.

S1naidSucks - A person who likes, admires and respects women must always be honest. Mentioning what they genuinely think looks best.

Not all comments are "misogynistic bullshite" because you don’t agree with them. Perhaps they are honest opinions. Again, just my two cents...

Any man you have to fake everlasting youth to keep is by definition not worth keeping.

I'm sorry you find yourself in that category, papersizes.

It may astonish you to know that not all women believe their main asset is their youthful appearance. For some of us, looking young is actually problematic as it causes us to not be taken seriously in our professional roles. Some women genuinely use make up for fun on the odd night out (think more like facepaint, glitter, rainbows etc.) and don't wear any during the working week.

I work in an academic department in a university. Not a single one of my female professorial colleagues wears any sort of obvious make up. Several are going grey very obviously. If anything i think it slightly boosts their capital in the department.

Er, no. It's your perspective, mate.

Agreed. I should have started.. "My perspective as a man...."

That be ok?

Because a woman only wears make up to make her acceptable to the male gaze, ffs! Who knew that we actually wear makeup, dress and wear our hair to suit our own tastes?