In Laws... at boiling point

[Jen8888]

IL's have DS one day a week while I'm at work.
My mum also has him another day, and my grandma the third day.

My mum and grandma couldn't be more generous, and have nappies, wipes, toys, books, his favourite foods etc all ready for him and so it really is a home from home and taking the pressure off me to have a bag/packed lunch etc each day.

My IL's on the other hand;

• Expect food to be provided; Breakfast, lunch and tea as well as a beaker of full fat milk as they "only drink semi" and got forbid they couldn't buy a pint.
• They expect nappies, wipes, calpol, nappy bags, toys EVERYTHING to be provided.

And remind me when things are running low.

When I'm packing his things up at the end of the day they say things like, "are they yours or mine?" For things like wipes (which I have provided).

They live 45-60 mins away and I'm fed up of driving frozen fish fingers up the motorway and having the added pressure of this especially I'm returning to work FT in a month.

AIBU and what can I do? I'm so nervous about going back to work FT (DS is starting nursery for 2 days) and I feel like the IL's are getting to me 

It doesn't sound like the Il's really want him. I hope you're supplying your other unpaid family members with nappies/wipes etc . Did you factor in childcare costs before you had a baby?

If theyre not feeding him enough then stop the childcare-if your concerned put him ina nursery till he goes t school

Her concerns aren't legitimate enough for her to remove her DC from PIL regular unpaid convenient care though, and put her money where her mouth is.

Legitimate concerns?!
OP has stated an unhealthy attitude to food from MIL yes, so why is she complaining that PILs don’t provide food?! Surely it’s better that she provides her own so she knows her DCis being fed enough?
Or...
PUT HIM IN NURSERY AND SPEND SOME WEEKEND TIME VISITING FAMILY TOGETHER TO ENCOURAGE A BOND WITH PILS

So OP has 3 different sets of people willing to care for her son on 3 days out of every week, for free, but she's at boiling point because she has to pay for food on one of those days?

Definitely unreasonable.

If I had "legitimate concerns" about my son's grandparents, I wouldn't be asking them to babysit at all. (I actually do have legitimate concerns about my mother, so she doesn't babysit)

I think it's really tight, not too mention impractical, for your in-laws not to provide food for their grandson once a week but I think it's really cheeky that you expect everyone to pay for his nappies,toys etc. They are after all doing you a favour not the other way round OP.

I always left a pile of nappies, cream wipes, calpol etc at my parents' house to save taking everything every time we visited but food they'd always provide. As for toys, I used to leave a selection of toys there so DD played with them because she wasn't seeing them all the time at home and I swapped them over now and again plus my parents still had a lot of our baby toys that they got back out. I'd never dream of expecting anyone to provide everything - the milk and fish fingers they could do but I think expecting everything else is cheeky when they're providing free childcare and giving up a day a week. My parents adore DD but they wouldn't like to be tied down to a set day every week at their age and stage in life plus it's hard work caring for a little one.

My IL's on the other hand;

• Expect food to be provided; Breakfast, lunch and tea as well as a beaker of full fat milk as they "only drink semi" and got forbid they couldn't buy a pint.
• They expect nappies, wipes, calpol, nappy bags, toys EVERYTHING to be provided.

And remind me when things are running low.

the baby paraphernalia is certainly down to you. The food provision is a bit on the curmudgeonly side.

However, why do people expect their parents to provide free services for their grandchildren. Many do, but it's not something you can expect. Maybe it is an imposition for them, but they don't want to tell you.

you are doing well, getting free services 3 days a week, IMO. Not many people would want a 2hr there and back journey to save a few quid in nursery school costs. IMO

YABU. At first read I thought they were, but it’s true that nappies, wipes, his food , their TIME is something you shouldn’t take for granted.
They are frugal with themselves as well ( some people are just like that) so wouldn’t takes it personally that they are frugal with you, it would be a different story if they spent loads on themselves and penny pinch with your child.
For the sake of your relationship with your husband and his with his parents try and open your mind and see things from their perspective otherwise you are just creating issues for yourself down the line.

She shouldn't have to sacrifice weekend time anyway. She works full time, the weekends should be her own

What a horrible attitude. Should working parents never take their dc to see GPs. It doesn't have to be every weekend but allowing a relationship between DC and GPs is hardly a sacrifice.

AIBU and what can I do? I'm so nervous about going back to work FT (DS is starting nursery for 2 days) and I feel like the IL's are getting to me

you mean this is going on while you are still on maternity leave? You ARE having a laugh, aren't you?

I'm with some other PPs.. I think you should supply the wipes and nappies but they are being very petty about who's nappies/wipes are who's and they are being as tight as ducks arses regarding the food unless they are financially struggling?

Posts like this (and that dreadful bridezilla SIL one) remind me why we are glad to be low contact with our families. It really is more trouble than it's worth if you/your family are constantly trying to out-do one another. The tiny bit of support you get ( if you're lucky) doesn't make up for the stress of some of them.

@Gth1234 I think she works part time at the moment.

You are trying to please too many people. Stop. You'll break.

What is most convenient for you personally? Do that.

It seems to me that your annoyance stems from feeling put upon. If DH were the one dealing 100% with his parents and their childcare then you wouldn't give a flying fuck and you'd leave him to it. Instead everyone else is deciding what would be lovely for them or for the baby in their minds but it's you that has to enable it all, you that is inconvenienced.

If DH and ILs and anyone else wants something different then they put the effort in to make it happen, not you. Them assigning work to you to meet their needs is not OK. Even the perfectly reasonable requests for food and nappies are extra work for you that you could avoid through using nursery or through DH doing his parent runs.

So look at it on a grander scale and start saying to yourself Fuck that! and Oh, I'll be doing that too now will I? Fuck that. No I fucking won't mate. You want it, you do it.

Harden up or you'll be a mum-slave house-elf while your nearest and dearest snipe at the sidelines about how you are not measuring up well enough to their standards and diktats. No more blue-arsed fly. It doesn't work when you have kids and work FT. The word No is important. Giving no fucks about huffs and sniffs and judgy pants is also vital after delivering a No.

doesn't sound very practical to me- returning to work after mat leave is always a compromise, you would probably be just as well off by cutting your hours and not using the i'ls, who sound a bit OTT.

I'm pretty sure your IL's can provide your son with a dinner 1 day a week 🤔 on that score I think the are BVU!
Give him breakfast before you leave, pack him a nice "mummy lunch" but you shouldn't have to take dinner as well. This is very strange to me!
As for nappies/wipes and toys to keep him occupied; I would pack these for a day away from home anyway 🤷‍♀️
Very strange OP - can your mum not have him the extra day if you explain?
X

We had a conversation last week about how underweight he was living at home, and with borderline malnutrition.

What is wrong with you?

You (rightly) hate providing 2 fish gingers and half a pita bread

Put him in nursery and stop this insanity...

I think you are being cheeky. It’s lovely your family provide all these things but its not the norm. It never occurred to me to think my m’n’law should have these things for me - packing a bag comes with the terrritory with children.

Op you're not listening to the general consensus here and your arrogance and sense of entitlement is breathtaking. Your ILs are DOING YOU A FAVOUR, I always supplied everything and was grateful for any help, maybe that's why we all get on so well and my four children love them to bits

You're a CF, you know.

I cannot get over the fact that you're "at boiling point" over this.

You'd think they'd hit your child.

Get a grip.

My parents and in laws also helped with my children one day each a week. Each had their own set of little things that used to annoy me. However without their help I would have struggled to go back to work.
Have you addressed this situation with them? They may not realise. It sounds a little like they don't really want to do it.
Only 2 options:
Grin and bear it - it's still free childcare and your child is getting a fantastic relationship built with all family members.
Or
3 days childcare and just let them see your child socially (meaning weekends and normal grandparent visiting)

I no longer live close by to family and I miss them all the time. All those little annoyances seem so small now.

Are you my SIL? If not, you two should meet up, you'd get on like a house on fire. You might think everyone should be falling over themselves to have your child but they are doing you a huge favour. You should be providing all supplies plus at least a small weekly treat for everyone helping you out.

When my kids were being minded we always provided everything they needed. It would never have occurred to me that the minder would provide these things.

Simple answer on the milk front - convince them of the health benefits of full-fat milk and they'll happily switch to drinking the proper stuff. Google it - it helps weight loss. It tastes better too. Mind you, the fish fingers might be harder to convince them about.

Yes, not feeding him is bit strange, but we're all a bit strange in our different ways. Not being happy to leave his bag with nappies/bags etc is a bit strange too.

Well, I still don't think you are being unreasonable. I'd get an extra day at nursery. I appreciate that family dynamics might make that difficult but you have the easy opt out of using the distance as an excuse.