In Laws... at boiling point

[Jen8888]

IL's have DS one day a week while I'm at work.
My mum also has him another day, and my grandma the third day.

My mum and grandma couldn't be more generous, and have nappies, wipes, toys, books, his favourite foods etc all ready for him and so it really is a home from home and taking the pressure off me to have a bag/packed lunch etc each day.

My IL's on the other hand;

• Expect food to be provided; Breakfast, lunch and tea as well as a beaker of full fat milk as they "only drink semi" and got forbid they couldn't buy a pint.
• They expect nappies, wipes, calpol, nappy bags, toys EVERYTHING to be provided.

And remind me when things are running low.

When I'm packing his things up at the end of the day they say things like, "are they yours or mine?" For things like wipes (which I have provided).

They live 45-60 mins away and I'm fed up of driving frozen fish fingers up the motorway and having the added pressure of this especially I'm returning to work FT in a month.

AIBU and what can I do? I'm so nervous about going back to work FT (DS is starting nursery for 2 days) and I feel like the IL's are getting to me 

My son is 3, I'm a single parent and he's the first and only grandchild.
My parents live 10 minutes away and don't offer childcare as a favour. My son goes to nursery 2 days a week.
Occasionally my parents will look after my son if I have an appointment or such which is lovely! But I provide everything. Including food. My mum has recently found some toys from when her kids were small (25 years ago!) and has a small box of those but i tend to bring our own anyway.

He's my son. It's my responsibility to raise him, clothe him, feed him, provide for him.
He's not their son. They've already done that part of their lives.
Not every grandparent wants their house filled with kiddy crap again.

My parents are fantastic and have a lovely bond with my son. But I'd need expect them to provide anything for a child that they didn't chose to have!

You're being really cheeky towards your in laws.

OP I can’t add anything here but PP are spot on. Cheeky fuckery at its finest. You are getting free childcare and are are at boiling point because you have to provide wipes?

YANBU they sound tight as arseholes. The milk thing is mean.

I think yabu expecting them to provide everything just because your family do - they’re doing you a favour by looking after him foc. If you used a childminder for example you’d have to provide nappies and wipes and possibly packed lunch. I have 3 dcs and have to make packed lunch most days and pack school/childminder bags. It’s just part of parent life.

Ask them to buy the stuff they need for your child and give you the receipts so you can reimburse them.

Sorry, I think YABU. Your in-laws have clearly got their own quirks and won’t change. If they were funny about food with their own son, then why would they be any different with their grandchild? Yes, it’s a bit annoying that they don’t think of getting some milk in for him, but by the same token it’s just as easy for you to take some.

I agree with the other posters that suggest you put your son in nursery for an extra day. To cultivate a relationship between your son and his grandparents, your husband can lead on that one...

Clearly you do have to provide everything (nappies etc). If you don't supply food, just ask them to give your son what they are having? And it won't hurt him to have their type of milk once a week? No big deal.

I have my dgs 1 day a week. I travel to their house, 20 miles each way. I wouldn't expect to buy anything! However, I have started making food for him to put in their freezer, making maybe 10 portions of 5 different meals. That's just because my DD has enough to do having gone back full time, and she's a rubbish cook 🤣
When he comes here to sleep over, she brings everything for him apart from food.

Just the food would bug me but suck it up .The alternative is them coming to you at weekend

Can you do an online shop with essentials & have it send to your in-laws once a fortnight/month with food, juice, nappies, wipes etc? So you aren’t messing about with things to take? I look after my GD & my DD does provide me with basics but I still buy nappies & wipes in to keep at my house, I’ve never done any different I treat her as my own & its her home from home, I also pay for my GD to go to playgroup only £4 a week.

Given their disordered approach to eating, and the comments your MIL is already making to a 17 month old, I'd want supervised contact only, tbh. Those are serious issues to risk. Add an extra day to nursery and set up a monthly weekend visit day instead. I know that's a pain, but really, what you describe with food is worrying. I wouldn't want that for my kids.

Some GP's want to look after their DGC but many don't. If you have been working for 50 years and retire I'm sure you are looking forward to a bit of sun, sea and sangria and taking up hobbies you couldn't do when you worked and had a family living at home. Imagine retiring and then everyone starts booking out your time. Nightmare. You may as well go back to work.

I'm planning on travelling the world and living overseas 6 months of the year and then in somewhere like Cornwall for the rest of the time. I'm certainly not planning on being tied down looking after DGC.

Wow Yabu in the first place for expecting them to actually be out of pocket while giving your free childcare. That would make you a realCF

And YABU for leaving your child with people you don't trust.

This is absurd.

It’s an immature tack but... Load them up on haribo before you drop them off so they get energetic kids to look after. Get your moneys worth

I used to give my mum nappies/wipes/toys etc but not meals. It sounds easier to send you ds to nursery

You are a total CF and YABU.
My mum kindly looks after my DS one day and week and of course I provide all that stuff.

They think that they are doing you a favour.

You think that you are doing them a favour.

This is only going to fester and build resentment on both sides. Put your DS into nursery for an extra day.

The driving time also adds massively to the risk of having an accident. Just pay for childcare and write a thank you note to the in laws for giving up their time before but it's not practical to continue.

I was all part of the YABU brigade but after your updates OP I don't think you are.
Yes they shouldn't be out of pocket so bringing all your baby paraphernalia is a given, including milk if it is formula, but I can't see how a grandparent could begrudge a pint of milk or a basic meal. It must cost pennies if it is only a day a week! Who wouldn't do that for someone they love?
But I think you have bigger problems here. I absolutely would not leave my child with people who have a history of neglect & disordered eating. I couldn't do a day at work worrying that they were restricting my child's food and putting horrid thoughts in their head. Your have other options. Use them.

omg you really are very entitled. If I were you i would insist on at least contributing to what your mother and grandmother buy for your Ds let alone moaning about your Ils.

And as pp have said with the food issues I would seriously rethink unsupervised access

Feeding your own grandson is not 'being out of pocket'. What a ridiculous notion. Unfortunately OP, your PILs are tight bastards and they aren't going to change. I feel sorry for you; my PILs pick my kids up from school once a week, feed them, and DH picks them up later. On occasion they even take them out to eat!! Because, and this is important, they are their grandparents, not childcare providers!!!

In and wait for my son and his wife to have a baby ! ... they are blessed to be alive to enjoy them ... a primary school friend i knew has passed away last year and I get so emotional when I think she will never see her grandchildren from her beautiful girls ... I am bless to still be here with hubby .. and my youngest if he decides to have children one day ..what about a trusted childminder ? Good luck .. It seems that situation cannot continue .. a bit toxic ?

I am blessed to be alive to enjoy them when and if they are i meant