In Laws... at boiling point

[Jen8888]

IL's have DS one day a week while I'm at work.
My mum also has him another day, and my grandma the third day.

My mum and grandma couldn't be more generous, and have nappies, wipes, toys, books, his favourite foods etc all ready for him and so it really is a home from home and taking the pressure off me to have a bag/packed lunch etc each day.

My IL's on the other hand;

• Expect food to be provided; Breakfast, lunch and tea as well as a beaker of full fat milk as they "only drink semi" and got forbid they couldn't buy a pint.
• They expect nappies, wipes, calpol, nappy bags, toys EVERYTHING to be provided.

And remind me when things are running low.

When I'm packing his things up at the end of the day they say things like, "are they yours or mine?" For things like wipes (which I have provided).

They live 45-60 mins away and I'm fed up of driving frozen fish fingers up the motorway and having the added pressure of this especially I'm returning to work FT in a month.

AIBU and what can I do? I'm so nervous about going back to work FT (DS is starting nursery for 2 days) and I feel like the IL's are getting to me 

OP you seem to want everything your way here.
Free childcare with everything provided and a gleaming halo as you lament how selfless you’re being nurturing this relationship between your child and his GPS.
But actually this setup works for you by your own admission it’s closer to your new job and means you don’t have to sacrifice weekend time to see your in laws.
Either mover to nursery or suck it up. They aren’t being unreasonable. Three meals a day every week will stack up, especially if they’re buying stuff in which will go to waste.
As other posters have suggested, why not ask to leave stuff there to last a few weeks so you’re not organising it every day?

You say ILs do this for their other son too? Whose child is older? Perhaps other DIL wanted to provide her own meals and they’ve assumed you would too?
Perhaps they know how highly you think of them and are trying to avoid a conflict by taking as little ‘control’ from you as possible?

@Jen8888 I totally agree with you. YANBU. Stop the long drive and let your mum have your son more days.
I looked after my DGS (now 11yo) four days a week till he started school. I provided everything he needed at my house as I could afford to.
He went to nursery for two hours in the morning when he was nearly 3yo. Before that we went to playgroups or the park and he played with other children most days.
If your DM or Grandma are offering to have your son more days I'd give it serious consideration. A 17mo child doesn't need nursery.

YANBU. Wanting to be provided with milk and bread is nonsense. Why isn't DH doing any of the drop offs if he's so worried about his parents being sidelined? Why do you have to facilitate their involvement?

But actually this setup works for you by your own admission it’s closer to your new job and means you don’t have to sacrifice weekend time to see your in laws.

She shouldn't have to sacrifice weekend time anyway. She works full time, the weekends should be her own.

Because it suits her. It’s closer to her new job and she doesn’t have to waste any of her precious weekends seeing her pils.

Op. Ignore the people saying the grandparents have a right. They don't. They can earn the privilege.

I think it's crazy that u have to provide 3 meals esp things like milk! It's beyond ludicrous.

Had a similar issue with my in laws, where their idea of 'help' which was imposed on me caused me so much work. In the end, I put my babies in nursery and saved myself a whole lot of hassle. Best decision ever!

She shouldn't have to sacrifice weekend time anyway. She works full time, the weekends should be her own.

So in that case when the kid is at school full time and family are no longer required to fill the gaps in childcare presumably they will never see each other anymore because OP shouldn’t have to sacrifice weekend time?
Right

The problem is, I'm starting a new job, and although the commute to the IL's is far - it's closer to my new place of work

Then your son is just going to have to go malnourished and underfed.

OP you sound rather annoyed that a lot of responses have said that YABU. If you don'want people's opinion then you really shouldn't ask.

It also comes across as if you don't really like your ILs and just don't accept they don't behave as your parents too. Everybody is different, that's the interesting thing about the world we live in.

You don't want them to stop childcare as then you will have to visit them on a weekend instead. Sounds like you just want everything to be your way. You aren't doing them a favour in letting them have your DC one day a week. They are doing you the favour.

Yikes. I really think YABU.
My mum picks my dd up from nursery and has her for a few hours 3 times a week, I provide nappies and often offer money or bring toys, I pack a bag of spare stuff ect. They have bought toys and stuff but she doesn't often give him tea as I dash home and do it. If i shop I sometimes buy a bulk of snacks or double up on stuff to take to hers.
When someone is taking care of your child you have to just be happy with what you've got I think and be grateful... or change it.

To the people saying the OP is being unreasonable. I ask: what would happen if the OP didn't bring toast or milk one day? Do u think the grandparents would give their grandkid a slice of toast or some milk??

@bakingmads

If OP thinks her child is at risk of being starved surely it's absolutely insane for her to use the IL's as childcare. Why on earth would you leave your baby in the care of someone who you can't trust with the basic of care (i.e. feeding your child).

To the people saying the OP is being unreasonable. I ask: what would happen if the OP didn't bring toast or milk one day? Do u think the grandparents would give their grandkid a slice of toast or some milk??*

They’d probably drop him off with social services TBH.

Back in the real World I imagine they’d ask OP what she wanted them to feed him, go to the shops at their own expense, feed the child and be cross at what CFs their DS and DIL are expecting them to provide food for GC when that hasn’t been the agreed setup so far.
Whether this setup has been agreed verbally or by the circumstance repeating is irrelevant. This is the setup. If OP wants to change it she can, but she has to accept that she may only be able to change it by moving to nursery.

Because it's free and convenient.

I would love to have help like that you are very very lucky
I have to pay for full time care and provide nappies wipes

The more of your updates I read the more aghast I am at a your utter sense of entitlement. You sound delusional and totally unsufferable.

You are NOT doing them a favour . YOU are the one benefiting here and you have no idea how privileged you are to have 3 sets of people prepared to offer you FREE childcare. All day childcare every week is one hell of a commitment and hard work. Try to appreciate this rather than acting like a spoilt brat and PAY for your OWN child

I see it as a favour to them schlepping over there every week to ensure they have a relationship.

And they see it as a favour to you.

There’s been plenty of suggestions about how to approach the feeding stuff by paying them a £5 a day to pick up their own food, or ordering an internet shop of fishfingers etc. But if the real issue ya you don’t TRUST them to feed him properly don’t leave your child with them.

The problem is with your expectations.

If your DH is concerned about fairness' and a relationship with 'his side', then let him do all the running there: he shops for and prepares the supplies, the food, the 'extras' that need to be sent with his child to his parent's house on their days without exception.

He needs to understand that organising childcare, pick ups and drop offs, sick days, etc, are just as much his responsibility as yours when you're both working in paid employment.

Let him deal with his parents.

Why should your ILs be out of pocket looking after your child? You’re getting shot loads of free childcare. Be grateful.

Just to say, though, OP, that whilst I think you’re wrong I do understand the frustration because my parents and family are like yours and would feed/buy snacks/provide and my in-laws won’t - MIL expects food sorted and FIL & his wife used to charge my SIL per month for the food they provided (never did childcare for us ever). It always strikes me as a bit annoying/cold (certainly in FIL case they could afford not to charge!) but that’s how it works when you accept childcare favours, there’s a certain amount of sucking it up involved.

So whilst you might wish it was different, you’re being VU to expect it to be different.

Huh? Why on earth would they pay for these things?! I pay to send my DC to a childminder and I still provide all food/nappies/wipes etc.

You seem incredibly entitled.

Where is the vote button?? Yabvvvu
Free childcare is provided for you. You should be grateful! They are taking care of your kid. Isnt that enough?

The op has legitimate concerns about her in-laws. So to those banging on about entitlement: RTFT!!

Some people clearly don't read the updates
Just stop taking him there, it's more hassle than it's worth.

I’m not reading 12 pages. I’m waiting for my hayfever meds to kick in so I can go out on this lovely day.

If she has legitimate concerns over her in-laws then the easiest thing for both parties is for her to put her child in nursery. If DH wants his parents to see the child, he can take the child with him on regular visits.