In Laws... at boiling point

[Jen8888]

IL's have DS one day a week while I'm at work.
My mum also has him another day, and my grandma the third day.

My mum and grandma couldn't be more generous, and have nappies, wipes, toys, books, his favourite foods etc all ready for him and so it really is a home from home and taking the pressure off me to have a bag/packed lunch etc each day.

My IL's on the other hand;

• Expect food to be provided; Breakfast, lunch and tea as well as a beaker of full fat milk as they "only drink semi" and got forbid they couldn't buy a pint.
• They expect nappies, wipes, calpol, nappy bags, toys EVERYTHING to be provided.

And remind me when things are running low.

When I'm packing his things up at the end of the day they say things like, "are they yours or mine?" For things like wipes (which I have provided).

They live 45-60 mins away and I'm fed up of driving frozen fish fingers up the motorway and having the added pressure of this especially I'm returning to work FT in a month.

AIBU and what can I do? I'm so nervous about going back to work FT (DS is starting nursery for 2 days) and I feel like the IL's are getting to me 

I wouldn’t leave my child unattended with these people

They starved your DH as a child
They comment on your baby’s body shape
They probably don’t feed him all the food you do take and he’ll end up having issues with eating if they have too much influence

I’d feel a lot safer with the nursery option

After reading all your replies I still can't see the issue with providing your child's own stuff. Don't get me started on the hatred you have towards them, if you really feel that bad about them why send your child there?

Don't leave him there if they are that bad.
However I think that unless they are well off you should have at least offered to pay them and definitely make sure they aren't out of pocket or having to go to the trouble of doing extra shopping. That applies to your family as well.
Regular childcare is a bind and you should make it clear how much you appreciate it. Even if they love doing it they will still be making some sacrifices.

I always sent food if ds went to in-laws, mil insisted on giving him crisps sweets and coke, so I sent a meal whenever he went.... Mind you she always said he didn't like what I sent, mainly cos he'd eaten 2 packets of crisps beforehand.

In your case I'd just use a nursery, she sounds quite weird and you don't want her telling ds he has a fat tummy....

Going against the grain your IL’s sound a bit tight and awkward but I think you are CF not providing nappies and wipes. Speaking as someone who had two babies just over a year apart I had no free childcare. It cost a fortune to put my two DC in nursery. I worked pt and virtually worked for nothing on the extremely rare occasions my mum looked after them less than a handful of times in a year and for no more than 2-3 hours. I always took a prom bag up with everything they might need, food drink, snacks change of clothes, toys and books. I wouldn’t dream of expecting them to go out and buy these things.
I think count your blessings and the cash you are saving or pay out for nursery (and your still expected to provide nappies and food) as well as paying nursery fees even if they are sick of on holiday.

Wow OP!!! So, your in laws are kindly looking after your child, for free, and you think they should also provide all the things he needs too!! ......Gosh! ()

I think your ILs sound great, and what you should be asking us is what you can do to thank them for looking after your child for you every week, rather than moaning!!

Fair enough about the milk! If you want him drinking full fat (fair enough), why not provide it(?)! (For the record, I gave both mine semi skimmed from 6 months old (cardinal sin on here I think!!) and they have turned out fine (actually both are perfect weight for height, in very good health, very fit, and very sporty! They still drink the green stuff on their cereal!! (now age 5&7). I'm pretty sure that drinking one beaker of semi skimmed milk, once a week, won't harm him!!)

Please thank your ILs, and if you really arent happy, just put your DE in nursery!

Sorry, DS not DE!

I’d send him to nursery instead. Seems much less hassle

YABU You are the parent and you and your OH are responsible for ensuring all your child’s care is met in and inside your home but instead you complain about your ILS and moaning they are not providing YOUR child with free food, nappies etc. Where is your shame in taking advantage of their willingness to provide you with free childcare by complaining about them for not providing free wipes, nappies, food etc for YOUR child. YABU

It's time to stop using them.

For that is what you are doing.

I meant in and outside the home obvs

I haven't read any of the replies, just your posts intermittently between the barrage.

In my honest opinion, you should do what's best for your son and your own peace of mind, and it's clear to me that he'll be safest and happiest with your parents and grandparents, and nursery. While you're travelling backwards & forwards to work, new job etc you need to know your son is safe & happy so that you can concentrate on what you have to do, not be stressed out and worrying whether your IL's are treating him and feeding him properly, and you won't have the added strain of facing them on your own before and after long days at work.

Leave the visiting to them, let them make the effort to see your grandson on your terms not theirs - free childcare or not - that's really not the issue here xx

They are doing you a massive
Favour so I would pack a bag and send a meal or suck up the cost of nursery

If you don't trust them and think they didn't sufficiently feed your DH then why would you willingly leave your child with them? You should 100% be wanting to provide food in that case...

Sorry if you've said this but how old are the in-laws? If they grew up with rationing this will have formed their view of food. My parents still have tiny portions - we eat out a lot when with them

Jen8888. You've got a hide of a rhino and the biggest sense of entitlement I've ever come across. I'm a mum, work in childcare and if you think your 17 month old will do better in a nursery/preschool environment (as it'll facilitate him going to school!) NOTHING can replace loving care from immediate family and many childcare places have phenomenal burn out rates from staff, as they're badly paid, under appreciated. APPRECIATE FOR GODS SAKE the fact they're looking after your son once a week-try to be a nicer person, they're not the enemy.

Why do you pack up everything and bring it back? Leave it with them. Nappies, wipes, spare set of clothes, etc. Less hassle when you take DC.
And keep it all stocked up

My friend has her 2 GC one day a week and wasn't even offered a bottle of milk, she could not afford everything the children needed for that 9 hour day, she was going without food to feed them ! Have you ever actually stopped to think OP ? Maybe they think you have a feeling of entitlement and that having to make sure you are organised is your job not theirs

Be more grateful! There's options, you could send a delivery once a month with what they need plus long life milk, or it won't hurt for him to have cold food and eat when he gets home. On average sorts of fees they are saving you £200-250 a month!

'My concern then would lie with DH, he doesn't want his family to be on the outskirts and I wouldn't want the pressure of visiting on the weekend to maintain the relationship.'

DH can do it then if he's that bothered.

As the others have said you should absolutely provide stuff like nappies and wipes but also with regards to the food my in-laws always liked me to tell them exactly what to feed my son I think they felt a bit nervous about getting it wrong. As they are providing you with free childcare you should be making it as easy as possible for them. Why should they be hunting round shops spending their money trying to find the right stuff

Because, and this is important, they are their grandparents, not childcare providers!!!

They are grandparents who, on a weekly basis are committing a full day to providing care of their grandson so that OP and her DH are able to work without the financial burden of nursery.

I agree, on an ad hoc babysitting basis it’s generally the kind and generous thing to provide for the grandchildren, in fact isn’t that one of the highlights grandparents talk about when they have their grandchildren? The chance to ‘spoil’ them?
But this isn’t an ad hoc setup. This is a weekly commitment of their time and in OPs view they should be committing financially too?
Sure it’s nice that OPs family are doing that, but it’s by no means fair or right to judge everyone by that standard.

Unfortunately, if someone else is raising your children and you aren't paying them, then that is what you get.
They know that you need them (why else would you drive that far!) and are being purposeful obtuse.
You often need to provide the child's daily items when sending them to nursery.
I think you have 3 choices: work less and look after your child yourself, send them to nursery for 3 days io 2 or ask your IL's to travel to you and pay them a fee as per nursery day rate.
TBH it sounds as though you want an easy child free life without dealing with a child's daily needs which a parent should be doing. He's your responsibility, not theirs.

When I'm packing his things up at the end of the day they say things like, "are they yours or mine?" For things like wipes (which I have provided).
Isn't that an absolutely normal interaction? They'll just be checking that the ones they use are not going home with you by accident. "Mine" just means ' the ones that stay at this house' in this context.