Is having an only child selfish?

[whothedaddy]

Just that really. In your honest opinion is it wrong/selfish to have an only child and why?

No - always perplexed by the argument of sharing the burden when older, having someone to rely on etc. My brother and I have never fallen out, we speak probably 5 min per month. He has not visited my house in 3 years (despite invites). I have friends I can rely on much much more.

Cant say I would miss him in the caring for my elderly and ill mum and dad, nothing that wouldn't be sortable. Most caring of elderly parents ends up with one child regardless of the amount of siblings - at least if theres no expectation of other people picking up theres no disappointment.

When anything happens, i'll be looking to my DH and close friends for support, I imagine that my conversations with my brother will be limited to practical things. As ive said no big fall out, we have nothing against each other, just v different people.

I think sibling relationships are often romanticised on places like facebook #bestfriendsforever/sisterlylove etc. Yes some grow up close, but most siblings I know have a very practical and cordial relationship rather than relying on each other for everything (although most people I know have moved away from home towns).

Like anything - theres advantages and disadvantages of lots of situations, there are quite a few onlies in DS's class, all very well rounded, caring kids. They are as individual as any of their classmates with siblings

I find it funny everyone saying its not selfish follow up with “I only have one child” 😂 of course you aren’t going to say it’s selfish

I've been struggling with this decision for a while with the totally opposite view that having a second would be selfish. We are happy as a 3 and a second would put an untold strain on our finances, our time, my patience, my mental health and due to all of that I imagine me and DH relationship would start to suffer too. I can't imagine anything more selfish than risking the security of my child's family because of my own hormonal drive to have another child. We have been TTC but I think we will stop.

Now if only I could just forget the idea of a second child and get rid of these broody feelings. Stop thinking in terms of what cycle day it is and when I can take a pregnancy test. How the fuck do I do that

Why is that funny?

I have three kids, it's worked well for us but that's not always the case. My sibling and I don't speak - no reason, just nothing in common. I wouldn't say it's selfish to only have one child. One sometimes is way more than enough!

Why is that funny?

Is this aimed at me? Because it’s coming from a biased source? No one with an only child is going to say “It is selfish”.

I’d want to hear the opinions of only children over people who’ve had one child on this issue.

I am an only child. I loved it, always have. I don't have any children but I'd be very happy to have an only child myself. And the more I hear about sibling relationships the more grateful I am that I don't have to deal with them.

And only children have responded.

And only children have responded

I haven’t read the entire thread, i know some have responded by the vast majority to be parents of only children.

Some of us don’t have a choice.

I’d love a second child but it is probably not going to happen despite tests and drugs and, quite frankly, too much sex.

Hithere12 - what an utterly bizarre thing to say! parents of more than one child shouldn't respond either on that basis as they would also be biased as they are not really going to turn round and say, actually it was a mistake having 2!

Do you have an issue with only children? Are you making a judgement about their parents, the circumstances of whom you are clueless about.

People have added their reasons for only having one.

No

This is nonsense. Be firm with people who share this kind of unsolicited opinion and shut them down with respects to your own life.

I don't think it's selfish, it's down to personal preference. I am one of four and am close with all my siblings. I will always have them. I will have 4 children myself soon and yes my time will have to be shared and yes it will be hectic and busy but I love that and I love the fact that my children will always have each other. If you are happy and don't want any more children then good for you, I'm sure your child is more than happy, and they have the bonus of not having to share you xx

No,
How would I know what peoples reasons for having one child anyway, its non of my buisness unless someone tells me and even then it may be a cover story because they don't want to discuss personal details, which us fine.
OP, your life sounds happy and full and you are not yearning for a child so there's no problem!!!
Everyone has to do what works for them.

@Hithere12 I am also an only child myself, who chose only to have one child.

I’d want to hear the opinions of only children over people who’ve had one child on this issue

But why would the child's wishes be paramount? How many children to have is by definition a parental decision.

Do the parents of multiples generally consult existing toddlers when Mummy and Daddy are considering ditching the condos?

Or are you suggesting @Hithere12, that parents have a duty to consult their only child about whether it wants a sibling, but not to consult two children about whether they want a third or fourth or fifth?

@BertrandRussell

Well, I do think that all other things being equal, if at all possible, children shouldn’t be onlies

No. People must suit themselves, their lives and circumstances when it comes to family planning. IMO the only selfish decision is to continue having children you can’t adequately provide for because of “urges”.
That said, I’m grateful my parents didn’t think to stop after me so that they could spend more money on me (on what? More extra curriculars? Fancier clothes? Holiday to Tenerife instead of caravans in Scarborough?) or give me 100% of their joint attention (honestly don’t think that’s particularly healthy for any child). My relationship with my younger brother is more precious to me than any of that, and will last both of our entire lives. I know I’m very lucky though, as often siblings just don’t get on.

@HamptonLucy - the OP asked for opinions- that’s mine.

Or are you suggesting @Hithere12, that parents have a duty to consult their only child about whether it wants a sibling, but not to consult two children about whether they want a third or fourth or fifth

🙄 oh my god. I’m talking about ADULT only children and their experiences being an only.

the OP asked for opinions- that’s mine

Didn’t you get the memo? You aren’t allowed an opinion unless it’s that only children families are great.

For God's sake, @Hithere12, I understand that you are not expecting toddlers to arrive on Mn! What I am asking is why you think adult children get to decide retrospectively whether their parents' decision to have only one child was 'selfish'? By definition, it's not their call.

I think it is both offensive and ignorant to judge parents of only children as selfish.
And the same goes for judging the child free.

And for working mothers.

And for stay at home mothers.

Well, I do think that all other things being equal, if at all possible, children shouldn’t be onlies.

You haven't explained why, though.