Is having an only child selfish?

[whothedaddy]

Just that really. In your honest opinion is it wrong/selfish to have an only child and why?

My reasons for having an only child:

We don’t have the space for a second and would have to move house, which we can’t currently afford to do
I have a chronic health condition which flares up randomly and is likely to need surgery in the next few years
Money would be extremely tight with a second
I struggled hugely with sleep deprivation in the early months with DD and don’t know how i would cope if we got an even worse sleeper second time around
I am naturally anxious, introverted and short-tempered. I am a good parent to DD but would be worried that a second would be beyond my ability to cope.
I have a sibling with severe disabilities and I know beyond a shadow of a doubt that I would not cope with a severely disabled child, so why take the risk?

But all this aside, the bottom line is we simply don’t want another child. If we did, we would find ways of making things work. So am I selfish? Yes, probably, according to some people on this thread. I do worry a lot that DD will resent us or be lonely, but I am not going to bring a child into the world simply as a playmate for someone else.

codemonkey I chose to have one child only. Oh for so many reasons.

Didn't like being pregnant
Labour is exactly that - laborious
Kids are expensive generally
Childcare is especially expensive
House too small for 2 kids (though we've moved since but house still isn't that large)
DS was a great sleeper and I didn't think we'd be that lucky a second time
DS was a healthy child and I didn't want to push my luck with a second child

And I didn't want to start again at year 0 before I could go on a nice holiday again.

Oh and another thing - all the threads on here about flippin arguments over wills. Not an issue if you are an only child, you get everything in most cases*

*possible exception being made if your parents hate your partner and so may leave their estate to the grandkids or the cats' home instead.

Every single only child I’ve met is so bad at sharing

Even as an adult?

@fairweathercyclist and all of those are completely valid reasons that are not open to scrutiny. It really gets my goat that people pity only children and think that a) the child is being denied something and b) its parents are selfish.

People should back the fuck away from commenting on other people's decisions about having kids.

I don't think so.

I have one and we plan to have no more. All o ever hear is that the child will be lonely and it's mean we don't provide a sibling 🙄 I have a sister, a brother and 2 step sisters and I'm close to none!! My husband and brother are even less close! So having siblings doesn't necessarily make you less lonely as I think it's more lonely having siblings that you aren't close with.
As for elderly parents being a burden on just one...I worked in care for 10 years and there would be residents with lots of children, and yet it would mainly be just one that come in, took the washing home, did the hospital visits etc...so having more than one doesn't always lessen that burden either!
I know when it comes to my mum it will be me out of my siblings who does it all whilst they live in blissful ignorance...I think that is worse than if I was an only child

codemonkey
@fairweathercyclist and all of those are completely valid reasons that are not open to scrutiny. It really gets my goat that people pity only children and think that a) the child is being denied something and b) its parents are selfish.

People should back the fuck away from commenting on other people's decisions about having kids.

In RL, yes, but on a thread explicitly asking Is having an only child selfish? that's not going to happen, is it?

Maybe you should just back the fuck away from clicking on, and reading these sorts of threads, codemonkey.

It's really nobody else's business how many kids anyone has or when or if you might be having another but these are the stupid insensitive questions people feel they have the right to ask.
Following on from an earlier discussion on the thread, my son is an only, he's been in nursery/childcare since 7months old.
I've never been told of him pushing, biting, scratching, hitting other kids or not being able to share. Ever.
He's a kind and sensitive boy, manners are important to me so he's got good manners. Partly my parenting and partly his nature I'm sure.
As one of 5 I know what that being in a set doesn't make you less selfish or petty, we didn't have much and we fought each other for what there was in a way. In other ways that made us closer, we went through some shit and only my siblings understand that, can talk about it, work through it together
Difference to me is I'm not bringing up my only in an unstable environment where he feels like he needs allies.

Those who think only children are spoilt and can't share obviously haven't met my daughter.
Her teacher has told me she is very caring.
She was the first to offer help when a child new to the school didn't have trainers with her for a sports lesson.

She was in tears yesterday because of the actions of other children (all of which have siblings). The reason - she told another child that used the contents of her pencil case she should ask first. The girls friends then ganged up and were unkind to her.
She has no problem with sharing, and the fact that she is willing to means the others were taking it for granted and not asking could they use her things. It was not a best friend doing it either which nay be more understandable.
Maybe SOME are used to just helping themselves to their siblings belongings and think that they are entitled to do the same to other peoples too.

@TalkingFrog that experience of your daughter resonates with me. I got annoyed with a girl in my class at junior school just helping herself to my pens and pencils without asking - she had an elder brother... If she'd asked, I wouldn't have had a problem!

A really difficult subject for us. We have done a lot of soul searching and are sticking at one. Age is a factor, I'm 39 and my husband is 42 so if we were going to go for it we would need to get on with it. Our daughter is amazing but had bad colic which left me virtually agoraphobic for most of the first three months, she's also been a bad sleeper....shes been worth all the hassle, but when push comes to shove, we just didn't feel like we could cope witbfour years of babies/toddlers back to back. We figured that our daughter would be better served by having two happier, non stressed parents who can do a better job of parenting her, than two super stressed parents (we also both have stressful jobs). We do both have a slight sense of regret about it I think as shes very sociable and I'm sure would love a sibling. We've resolved to focus all our efforts on making her life as awesome as possible and giving her as many.social opportunities as possible so she doesn't feel lonely.

It's such a personal choice and theres no right or wrong answer. For what its worth OP your reasons for sticking at one sound pretty solid and sensible. I don't think you.are being selfish at all. X

What strikes me is that the vast majority who have an only child ‘by choice’ actually have a long list of reasons why having one child is right for them. It’s not just a case of thinking ‘I don’t really fancy having another child’ - people have thought it through very carefully. Parents of only children aren’t neatly divided into those who couldn’t have one (infertility etc) and those who just didn’t want one.

I think pulling articles from the daily fail does not infact prove a point.

Someone mentioned elder siblings having a higher IQ, possibly statistically but not in every case. I said before I'm one of three, the middle child, with double the qualifications of my two siblings combined. Statistics are very easily manipulated to fit an argument

As for little emperor syndrome I'm reluctant to believe that is down to being an only child rather than parenting style.
For what it's worth my DD (almost 10) has been praised since she started nursery at 1 of have a very high EQ, she is hugely empathetic, a bit of a mother hen and children of all ages radiate towards her. She may not have to share a with a sibling but she is kind and would give anyone anything to make them happy. She has had to share me with my job and my studies. She may not have to share me with a sibling but she understands the importance of Mummy putting herself first too. She was brought up to understand that mummy deserves hobbies and weekends away to re-charge.

She is the favourite visitor for all the family, she is the best fun to the cousins, she holds a very interesting conversation with the adults, everything from the environment to politics to travel.

I think not having an 'annoying' sibling at home makes her more patient too.

Of course I only have my experience of her to go on. The only thing that sticks out as an 'only child' thing is the fact that she doesn't like being in places that are too noisy or crowded.

I truly struck gold with her, I'd hate to jinx my good fate by having to start over with parenting and end up with a child that is hard work and ill tempered. I have plenty of mum friends that love child 2 but were shocked at how much hard work they are and ultimately regret it.

I feel sad I have an only bit i’m Not selfish. My ex-husband was nasty and cruel and I just couldn’t face having another one with him. By the time i’d got with my now DH. DS was 12 and also DH has had the snip. Even if he hadn’t had the snip, the age gap would have been too big.

also on the sharing thing...as one of three girls it wasn't about sharing, someone always missed out, most 'things' come in pairs, I was the peace maker, I always missed out to stop the arguments.

My sisters hated each other and fought constantly, stressing my mum out and meaning I got less attention (she only had two hands), we lived in a three bed meaning I always had to share a room.
I have lots of lovely memories of having sisters but there were constant arguments and fighting, I never had any peace, I never had anything new, family tended to buy joint presents. it sucked.

The sharing thing annoys me because we always tell our kids they HAVE to share, yet as adults we rarely share any of OUR stuff.

@bookworm14
Genuinely interested why you list all the “reasons” why you only have one child.

And then say but we didn’t want a second. Surely that is the reason.

The rest aren’t reasons. Just information surely

I do know that my own single DS is much more generous in general than his cousins, two pairs of siblings.
They are always bickering and fighting over who has what.

I have quite a few siblings and when I was growing up, everything had to be shared and hardly anything was ’mine’. This extends to attention from parents. Now I'm older I'm quite possessive over what's ’mine’ and also can be possesive of people’s attention. I think because I didn't have it when I was young, it’s amplified how important it is to me as an adult. I wonder if I had been an only child and not had to share everything and had more attention, if I’d be less possesive because having my own things and one-one-one attention wouldn't be such a novelty?

Amibeingdaft81 They are all reasons why we are not having a second, yes. Not actually wanting one is also a major factor - I’m sure there are people who really want a second who would go ahead and have one despite all the things on my list, but I know for us it wouldn’t be worth it/might be actively harmful.