Is having an only child selfish?

[whothedaddy]

Just that really. In your honest opinion is it wrong/selfish to have an only child and why?

Well really it depends on your reasons. For it to be 'selfish' you would have made a positive decision to have only one considering only your own wants and needs. It's funny though that people level this at parents of only children as if they must have been selfish. Personally I think my decision to have a second child was primarily selfish. Yes, I thought it would be nice for DS to have a sibling, but really I just really wanted one, desperately wanted actually (it took us a while to conceive). Nobody's ever accused me of being selfish to have a second though.

It amuses me how people bang on about having support when a parent dies. Of course that can happen but I've known far more people have the opposite experience. Several of my Mother's friends have lost their parents over the past few years and there's been no support. Indeed one did everything he could to try to prevent a property being sold even though he didn't want it and lived abroad. He didn't do a thing to help his sister. Another two siblings colluded together to cheat the third sibling out of some tens of thousands of pounds.

Yes, there are many positive sibling relationships but it's so far from being a guarantee that they'll get on that I would never base a decision on how many children to have on it.

They are older and he has no backup (apart from me) to help him with them. I think this is a time when he really would love to have a sibling to talk to and share with

I’m 1 of 5 and the only one who cares for my ageing disabled parents. The rest cba to even visit and are all quite nasty people, awful to grow up with.
I’d have much rather been an only child.

Siblings can be a nightmare true but they can be fiercely loyal and share the burden of you in your old age amongst other things. Most people I know who didn't have siblings exhibited their own selfish personality traits much more than those that had brothers and sisters

A few of the most compassionate people I know are onlies. Whereas DM is the younger of 2 and is now NC (not of her choosing) because my aunt (DM’s sister) never got over having to share her parents when DM was born.

Not at all I have an only and I am always getting told this and saying I should have another child so that my ds can have a sibling.

I don't get why people think having another (unwanted) child as a gift to the child you have is a good thing. Id have been mortified if my mum ever told me my brother was born as a gift for me because we don't get on, we never have, if anything he made my childhood a living hell and he isn't much better now.

My mum is one of 4 and was the only one left caring for her dad before he died as one lives abroad, one has a poorly child herself and the other is just super selfish and wouldn't help anyone in need.

A sibling does not guarantee that you will share the burden of a dying parent and it doesn't guarantee a friend for life.

The two most selfish people I know have siblings. The idea that only children must be selfish is a ridiculous generalisation.

In my case, yes. I always wanted a sibling. I think my parents were selfish, but they also weren't very good parents. I know some only children who love it, some with siblings who hate it though so there isn't an easy answer

Yes, but having multiple children is more selfish because overpopulation.
Apparently.

You can't win.

I do wonder why society/media seem to make out that only children are lacking something, or grow up to be selfish and lonely.

For the same reason that society still demonises women who choose not to have children as selfish, materialistic and unnatural -- because some people have a sneaking suspicion it looks easier, as if parents with only one child are somehow 'cheating' or bucking the system, and getting away with less childcare fees, expense, worry, sleeplessness, food bills, teenage angst etc etc. When in fact, no one makes you have a child, and no one makes you have more than one child either. With a side order of sugary nonsense that suggests siblings are inevitable one another's best friend and support from grazing their tiny knees to planning funerals.

Nope.

Not at all. I have two cousins who are only children. 1 because her mam got MS and was warned her symptoms would worsen if she had another. The other because her mam was nearly 40, hadn't met anyone and wanted a child. Both are lovely kids who have a lovely life, plenty of friends and loads of cousins in replace of siblings.

Let me put it another way. If we did have another child:
*DD would have to share our attention, as it is we both have busy stressful jobs.
*DP works overseas in the week so I would be doing 100% of all parenting Mon-Friday.
*New child would be disruptive during exams (SATs GCSEs) due to massive age gap, and potentially really annoying being a teenager with a crying baby, tantruming toddler in the house.
*The large age gap would mean very little in common until they are much much older.
*With one we can afford to pay for her to go to Uni, buy her first car, help her with a house deposit, take her on life changing holidays (we went hiking in Yosemite last summer, trekking the jungles of Costa Rica next year, we are doing water sports in the Soca Valley this summer) We couldn't afford to do this with 2.
*Having a sibling that is biologically DP's may alter the dynamic of our family in a negative way.
*I've had gynae issues since having DD which would potentially impact my ability to get pregnant/carry to term. I'd rather not go through that trauma.

• I was a single parent for almost 5 years, I couldn't put myself through that again.

The only reasons I would consider another is

1. DD would quite like a sibling
2. I feel guilty that DD would be on her own when me and DP are old/dead

Not at all. I’ve never understood this reasoning but I suppose part of it is that people insist on criticising anything that doesn’t conform to the societal norm of two DC (ideally a boy and a girl!) DD (18months) will be an only because after much thought DP and I agree that we can give her a happier, richer (in terms of time/experiences), more secure upbringing than we could two or more children. I don’t see how that can be seen as selfish. We’re also very conscious of our consumption and the impact of additional people on the planet’s resources.

I have one brother. We had a happy childhood and there’s no animosity there, but we’re very different characters and he lives 5,000 miles away and visits once a year at most. DP’s sister is very local but they aren’t close either. Multiple DC doesn’t assure close sibling relationships.

@itwasalovelydreamwhileitlasted - my mum has one sister. For years she came up with inventive excuses to avoid any sort of contribution to looking after my grandmother, then when Nan needed to go into a care home she just started flatly saying no. Even when she died her contribution to the funeral was showing up. Assumptions that siblings will help each other in future aren't always true.

My dad has four siblings, I've never even met one of them and they live in the same city ! Close sibling bond there.

I think the age gap is too big. I wouldn't do it.

Nope.
I have an only child through choice.

OP, you don't have to justify to anyone why you don't want another child if you don't want one. Even if you are being selfish (which I don't think you are!), that doesn't mean you're doing the wrong thing. Sometimes what you want does matter at least as much as what other people want and childbirth is definitely one of those times. As others have said, you never know what a sibling relationship will be like anyway.

@recrudescence how come you liked teaching them? I'm genuinely curious.

Seems you have decided! And you have good reason!
Get DD a dog

I think, actually, of all the reasons for not having more than one, the “one will get 100% of our attention” is the one that bothers me most. Getting 100% of the attention is not necessarily a good thing. It can be very oppressive. And being “outnumbered” in a family is not necessarily a good dynamic.

I'm an only child and so is DP. His mother couldn't have anymore after a difficult birth, mine was by choice. We both had very happy childhoods but when you don't know any different its impossible to compare.

My closest friend is also an only so maybe we gravitate towards each other. My experience only child are more independent and self sufficient, interaction with adults at a young age is different too. I remember finding "the kids table" for dinner in other people's houses odd.

No, not selfish at all. I have an only child by choice. I am the eldest of 3. My parents had too many children, they didn’t have enough time or money for us all. Plus the favouritism, continual comparisons between us and the pressure of this mythical ‘sibling bond’ made for a miserable childhood sometimes. My siblings have added nothing to my life, we get on ok but we aren’t close and don’t see each other often. It’s up to my parents to make provisions for their care in old age, just as I don’t expect anyone to take care of me. My DD gets all of our time, attention and money, will inherit everything we have left and will not suffer the self esteem issues I did due to being inflicted with siblings. Strong thoughts perhaps, but I can only speak as I find.

No, of course it’s not selfish. People who tell you that it is are trying to make themselves feel better.

I’m an only and I will be honest and tell you that I didn’t enjoy it, but that’s because of some very specific issues to do with my parents and their parenting. These issues would have still existed if I’d had a sibling. They might have been easier to deal with with a sibling but not necessarily. I certainly don’t think they were selfish only to have one child.

In your case, the age gap would be very significant, so your DD wouldn’t get any of the ‘traditional’ benefits of having a sibling anyway. She’d basically hit puberty when her baby sibling would be at its most energy- and attention-intensive stage. I actually think it would be pretty selfish to have another kid in those circumstances!

No

I think the age gap is very big and dont think that i would have another child with that gap. There are over 10 years between me and my sister and she admits she hated me when I was little. She now still resents me as an adult and thinks im the favourite and i was spoilt (my parents probably had more money and different circumstances when they had me as they were very young when she was born)
I know all cases aren't like that but my experience for large age gaps isnt great.