Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Protection built in.

Meet the Other Phone.
Protection built in.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Is having an only child selfish?

369 replies

whothedaddy · 21/06/2019 12:55

Just that really. In your honest opinion is it wrong/selfish to have an only child and why?

OP posts:
SwishSwishSheesh · 21/06/2019 13:10

No it's not. I'm the only child. I don't miss having siblings because I don't know what it's like so it means nothing to me.

Usernumbers1234 · 21/06/2019 13:11

I used to think so and reckoned you could pick an only child out a mile off. Now I’m a parent and spend time around all sort of kids I don’t think it’s the case, some of the nicest most rounded kids I know are only children.

So it was either just shit parenting that made the only children I knew in the past difficult, or maybe societal changes have had an impact, more children in pre-school, families doing more days out in groups.

I still think there’s a risk of only parents letting the PFB thing last forever, but I know just as many difficult siblings as only children these days.

Celebelly · 21/06/2019 13:11

Why would it be more selfish than having multiple?

Original poster
whothedaddy · 21/06/2019 13:11

@ItsJustNoise
No I don't. our DD is almost 10. We still constantly get comments about when we will give her a sibling. DP isn't her bio dad which I think adds fuel to these conversations. Until now it's always been maybe we will at some point, but I honestly can't think of a single reason that another child would add any benefit to our set up. We have a lovely life and want for nothing really. I had DD young so there is time, we have money, we have the space...but I don't really want to give up my 'me-time', hobbies, body, career, peace and quiet, holidays, spare money, pension contributions, sleep etc etc etc

I do wonder why society/media seem to make out that only children are lacking something, or grow up to be selfish and lonely.

OP posts:
MaidenMotherCrone · 21/06/2019 13:12

@tomtom1999xx

You can have 2 or 3 and still be a good, parent Wink and not be stressed too.

RiddleyW · 21/06/2019 13:12

I don't know, maybe a bit.

I just have one and I feel like my reasons for stopping at one might be selfish but I'm just not brave enough to have a second so there we are.

Catapultaway · 21/06/2019 13:12

No

Ellisandra · 21/06/2019 13:13

With 1 child, you can give them 100% of your resources (attention, money...)

With 2, you can’t.

So - which is more selfish?!

I’m 1 of 6, several siblings are no contact.
My child is 1 of 1, and what with life always throwing curve balls, now has 2 sets of step siblings that she’s really close to.

So the difference between 1 and more (siblings) has actually worked out better for her than me!

The only area where I think you have to be careful, as a parent of 1, re selfishness is your child’s responsibility for you as you age. It would be selfish of me to expect my 1 child to carry the full time, financial and emotional burden of that. So I will try to make sure it is otherwise.

My 2 friends who are closest to their parents now (we’re all 50s) with a genuine desire to spend time with them (not duty) are both only children.

Happyspud · 21/06/2019 13:14

It’s not selfish but not 100% ideal in my opinion. But on the list of not ideal situations for a child it’s very VERY far down the list of importance and I also feel it’s not a deciding factor in successful outcome of a child in any way. And there are many benefits to being an only child too that shouldn’t be discounted.

Bibijayne · 21/06/2019 13:15

No.

midgeland · 21/06/2019 13:15

No. It is possible to grow up happy and cared for as an only child (I was) just as it is possible to be an unhappy and neglected child of a larger family (DH was).

In my view the only selfish family planning decision is when people choose to have a large number of children because it makes them feel loved, and then expect the elder siblings to act as surrogate parents when they can't cope.

tomtom1999xx · 21/06/2019 13:16

MaidenMotherCrone

Oh of course, I just couldn’t be a good enough parent to lots of children.

Marnie76 · 21/06/2019 13:18

I don’t know if selfish is the right word. But my husband is an only child. His parents split a few years ago and he has to split his time especially at Christmas trying to keep them both happy. They are older and he has no backup (apart from me) to help him with them. I think this is a time when he really would love to have a sibling to talk to and share with. He didn’t miss having one when he was younger as they both looked after him but now the tables are turned it is different. I hope that makes sense.

recrudescence · 21/06/2019 13:18

I always really liked teaching only children.

BertrandRussell · 21/06/2019 13:19

Well, I do think that all other things being equal, if at all possible, children shouldn’t be onlies. And I don’t agree with some of the reasons I have heard for having an only child. But obviously it depends on individual circumstances.

Thegoodthere · 21/06/2019 13:20

I hear this a lot. No, it's not. DD will be our only.

Bumpitybumper · 21/06/2019 13:21

I do wonder why society/media seem to make out that only children are lacking something, or grow up to be selfish and lonely
I think growing up as an only child can be a really different experience to growing up with siblings. In some ways only children do lack things such as developing the often unique bond that can exist between siblings and having someone that shares so many of your formative experiences with you. Of course there are no guarantees that siblings will get on, but I do think there is something special about a sibling relationship when it works well and it can represent a lifelong source of support.

I don't think this means that the only child will necessarily be worse off though as being an only child will often come with its own set of benefits. The family's resources (time, money, effort etc) will all be concentrated on them and they won't have the risk of having a sibling that they don't get along with and detriments their life.

NiceLegsShameAboutTheFace · 21/06/2019 13:24

No.

itwasalovelydreamwhileitlasted · 21/06/2019 13:25

Not selfish but as some else said not 100% ideal either if you can give them a sibling but choose not to? Siblings can be a nightmare true but they can be fiercely loyal and share the burden of you in your old age amongst other things. Most people I know who didn't have siblings exhibited their own selfish personality traits much more than those that had brothers and sisters

Rowennaravenclaw · 21/06/2019 13:27

Well, reading your reasons, they are a bit selfish. It’s all about the cost/benefit to you right now. You’re not looking at the cost/benefits to your DD, including in the future when she is grown and you are old or gone.

Having said that, being selfish isn’t always wrong. Sometimes it is necessary. If another child would make your life miserable then the selfish choice is the right one.

KizzyWayfarer · 21/06/2019 13:28

Every additional child we have (certainly in richer high-consuming countries) puts additional strain on our climate and natural resources, so I’d say that having fewer children is the unselfish option. (No moral high ground here though, I have two children!)
I was an only child and quite happy with that. I never particularly wanted siblings, since all my friends seemed to do was argue with theirs!

megrichardson · 21/06/2019 13:28

I don't think that there is necessarily a 'unique' or actually any bond between siblings - nor can siblings necessarily count on each other when grown up.

PinkieTuscadero · 21/06/2019 13:31

No.

And a person or couple's reasons for choosing to have just one child are nobody else's business.

BigRedLondonBus · 21/06/2019 13:32

I’ve heard the opposite that having 3+ children is “selfish” I don’t think having one is selfish.

BlackCatsRock · 21/06/2019 13:35

@megrichardson
Exactly. I have a brother who is 3 years older than me. We're both in our forties. We've never had a 'bond'. He now lives in Australia with his family and didn't bother to come back when my dad died, and probably has no intention of helping out when my mum passes away (which won't be for a very long time, fingers crossed!). He's selfish and I've got no time for him. I may as well be an only child.