Is having an only child selfish?

[whothedaddy]

Just that really. In your honest opinion is it wrong/selfish to have an only child and why?

What I am asking is why you think adult children get to decide retrospectively whether their parents' decision to have only one child was 'selfish'? By definition, it's not their call

Because they are the ones who’ve experienced being an only child? Not the parent? Of course a parent is going to say it’s a great decision.

Well, I do think that all other things being equal, if at all possible, children shouldn’t be onlies

Why not it’s great.

Also, I’m an only child who often thinks the opposite way round to what is usually said - as in, what’s the point in having more than one? An heir and a spare?

Children, only or with multiple siblings, don't get to determine whether their parents' decisions as to the size of their family were 'selfish', though.

I'm the eldest of a large family and while my own experience of that childhood was of neglect and overcrowding, I don't get to decide that my parents' decision to have more children than they could afford, financially and emotionally, was a 'selfish' one.

I find it funny everyone saying its not selfish follow up with “I only have one child” 😂 of course you aren’t going to say it’s selfish

Plenty people have posted that it’s not selfish who haven’t stated how many children they do or don’t have.

@PinguDance

I am very conflicted on this tbh. I don't know if I'd call it 'selfish', but I only have 1 and I often feel guilty about it. We are not in a position to do anything about this. DS has cousins who he adores but they are all a fair bit older.

I'm one of 3 and am now very close with my sister. My siblings are 10+ years older than me and weren't around much/went off to boarding school/uni when I was quite young. For all intents and purposes, I grew up as an only child and I was lonely, but there were other factors.

Children, only or with multiple siblings, don't get to determine whether their parents' decisions as to the size of their family were 'selfish', though

Op ASKED(!!!!) the question “is it selfish?”, my response was that I’d trust the answers from only children who have experience in that environment over parents who have an interest in defending their decision.

OP asked the question!!! She wants the answer! My god.

My mother was an only as my grandparents were not able to have more children, and growing up where she did, she found it lonely and isolating. So when she had children, she decided to have two and was looking forward to us experiencing a close sibling bond. Except that didn’t happen, we are very different people and while we like each other now, we are not close.

No matter what you choose, it won’t always go as you expect. So choose as well as you can, the rest will take care of itself. The only thing I find selfish is having kids and not taking care of them, no matter how many they be.

No it’s not selfish. But I’m an only child & always wished I wasn’t & still now as an adult wish I had a sibling. So I chose to have 2 children. But some only children don’t care & some love being an only child. Up to the parents.

Never mind, @Hithere.

Well I am an only child and I was never lonely, nor do I have any desire for a sibling as an adult.

I am one of three kids, husband is one of two. We chose to have one child and we are happy with that, as is our child.

Can’t say I care too much what other people think. You get used to the comments and the judgement after a few years. My child isn’t interested in having a sibling which makes it easier. They won’t know what it’s like to have a sibling no, but they also won’t know what it’s like to lose one, which I did, and the family impact was horrendous.

There is no guarantee about any relationship in the future, particularly with siblings. Perhaps it says more about the people who make judgment about others who only have one child. Maybe they are projecting their ideas about their own childhood. No one goes around asking people with multiple children “why wasn’t one enough for you?” Or “why two why not four?”. Because that’s rude and ridiculous. Why is asking one child families fair game? It’s not. The amount of times it’s been implied that I’m not as much of a mum because I only have one kid to look after. It’s not a competition. Mind your own business!

IME the only people who get judged more than the one child mums are the ones who chose not to have children.

Lol I think “why wasn’t one enough for you?” said with genuine concern might be my new line when people say stupid stuff about only children to me.

I think it is nice for children to have a sibling, but it doesn’t always work out.
I would hope we will have another child, so my daughter isn’t alone in the world. But you can’t guarantee they will get on. I think if you only want one thats fine and if you want more that’s fine too. As long as you are willing to take care of them to the same standard and love them equally. Personally I love my daughter so much and I have more love to give another child (just one more).
To people saying having any child is selfish they are wrong. I would do anything for her and reproduction is natural. It’s life!

I don’t think it’s selfish (there are lots of reasons why people only choose to have one child) but I don’t think I’ve met many only children who like being an only child, either as children or adults. I’m sure there are plenty out there who do, but they have slightly put me off the idea of only having one!

There will be adult onlies who wish they had siblings that they are close with.

There are plenty of adults out there who have siblings that they don’t get on with.

The key desire here is having a sibling that you have a good relationship with during childhood and throughout your life. If you don’t get on or have this sort of relationship then the sibling aspect doesn’t really offer much and this is what we as humans tend to get from friends. if you are close to all of your family you are bloody lucky and you’ve hit the jackpot. Not everyone has that and you can’t always replicate your own idyllic relationships for your own children.

No I don't think it is. That said our DD is an only and we wanted another but couldn't. I was almost 40 when she was born and DH 41. I just hope we can be healthy enough and live long enough to see her grown up and happy with a partner and or family whatever that entails so she has someone.

I'm an only child because my parents had fertility issues. If I was an only child by choice I would've thought it was a selfish decision. I hate being an only child, I've hated it since i was a small child and I still hate it now.

in twenty years of parenting, one of the toughest things I've endured is sibling rivalry, sibling arguing, sibling fighting, bickering etc so NO, it's not unreasonable to have an only child.

One of the things I find very strange about adult sibling relationships, in families that I’m close to, is the level of nastiness that can go on. I’ve heard some absolutely vicious arguments with things said that I would never forgive from a friend - and yet the siblings are able to get over that and move on and still actually have a very close relationship. I don’t know if I think that’s good or not! It’s just a very different dynamic, tho obv not all families are like that

There’s always a favourite child in every multi-child family, whether people like to admit that or not

in families that I’m close to, is the level of nastiness that can go on. I’ve heard some absolutely vicious arguments with things said that I would never forgive from a friend

It's true. You can be more vicious with a sibling and also more forgiving

I think one of the benefits of having siblings is that you're not as conflict averse as an only. Although I suppose that could be seen as a drawback in some circumstances!

No.
Having children at all is selfish, and the more you have the more selfish it becomes.

I bloody loved being an only child. And my DD will be an only child too. And we will have a wonderful life together