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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Is having an only child selfish?

369 replies

whothedaddy · 21/06/2019 12:55

Just that really. In your honest opinion is it wrong/selfish to have an only child and why?

OP posts:
sar302 · 21/06/2019 14:13

We only have one toddler. We don't plan to have any more due to injuries I sustained during the birth. The impact on my mental and physical health would be too much.

I do feel a bit guilty that he won't have a sibling. It's certainly what we had planned for our family. But I've also had a number of friends have second babies now, and haven't got broody for a second! If we did have a second, it would go against all common sense, and just be to fulfill some sort of societal expectation. And I think that's ridiculous!

Not sure when people will stop asking about a second though. Probably have another 3-4 years of that to go 🙄

ineedaholidaynow · 21/06/2019 14:21

DS is a happy only child.

I have a brother, he didn't help when DF was poorly, he didn't bother turning up to DF's funeral. DM is now elderly, I bet he won't be helping any time soon. It would have been better being an only child when DF died rather than the hurt of DB not being there.

DH has a sibling. His parents are slowly moving closer to us. DH's sibling lives in another part of the country. Although I am sure they won't ignore any issues with DH's parents, we will be more responsible for them.

Having a sibling is not always the best thing.

Sherkin · 21/06/2019 14:22

I think, actually, of all the reasons for not having more than one, the “one will get 100% of our attention” is the one that bothers me most. Getting 100% of the attention is not necessarily a good thing. It can be very oppressive. And being “outnumbered” in a family is not necessarily a good dynamic.

@BertrandRussell, but neither is it the case that having siblings is necessarily a positive dynamic.

I grew up in a large family where there was nowhere near enough parental attention to go round, for example. I'm sure there are equally large families who managed things better, and who were better at rationing physical resources like physical space and food fairly than my parents, but I don't honestly think that parents having more than one object of attention is necessarily a good thing in itself.

ifyoulikepinacolada · 21/06/2019 14:23

I’m an only. It has different advantages and disadvantages to having siblings, but one isn’t inherently better or worse.

When my parents begin to need more support (hopefully not for a long time) I imagine my extended family, along with my partner, and my friends, will be there for me. Should it fall to me to make decisions regarding end of life care, I will have their doctors and nurses and carers to discuss those decisions with, it’s not like I’ll be in a vacuum. And I know what they want in terms of special measures (none) because we’ve had conversations about it before. I’m not looking forward to it but that’s because I don’t want them to die, not because I don’t have a sibling to share the load with!

Original poster
whothedaddy · 21/06/2019 14:27

For what it's worth I am 1 of 3 girls. My elder sister I have nothing in common with, I love and care about her but we are not friends. She has always been a bit of a whiny brat and takes rather than gives.

I'm great friends with my younger sister. Always have been.
However, I think my friendship with my younger sister stopped me focusing on making friends with other people as a child and I find friendships difficult as an adult (maybe that is more to do with the fact my parents never socialised)

A PP commented about rivalries/siblings being labelled. I get that, I was always the sensible/clever one and wow did it put the pressure on to never fuck up. My younger sister was always the pretty one, which made me feel ugly. My Older sister was the favourite and got away with just being horrible to us...she still is, then acts like a victim of life which I have zero time for.

I am massively aware of the pressure having 3 kids put on my parents, their relationship and their finances. I don't want to spend the next 10-20 years arguing with the man I love because we are both exhausted and skint.

The gap my DD would have with a sibling is a worry. They would always be at totally different stages in life. I have found the hardest thing about parenting being how as soon as you discover the rules the game changes and you have to work it out all over again. at almost 10 she needs me less physically but her emotional need is through the roof as she tries to understand the world. I don't think I could switch effectively or efficiently between the physical demands of a toddler and the emotional needs of a teenager.

OP posts:
Dinosauratemydaffodils · 21/06/2019 14:29

Depends on the family dynamic I think. I loathed being an only child but that's because 100 percent of my mum's attention was not a good thing. She and my dad had a very rocky relationship and I was their marriage guidance counselor from being very small until as an adult I was old enough to say "leave him/don't leave/I don't care". On top of that we moved a lot because dad was in the military so I didn't have a stable school life/friendships/cousins (I do have cousins of a similar age but they were in a different country) to rely on to compensate.

When my dad died my mum fell apart (despite the rocky relationship) and I had to organise everything on my own despite being 6 months pregnant.

I have 2 children and I'm very clear with my mum about what I will/won't be doing as she gets older/more infirm.

Original poster
whothedaddy · 21/06/2019 14:36

I really appreciate this post. It has been very supportive. Thank you.

OP posts:
ChihuahuaMummy1 · 21/06/2019 14:40

I've got the one ds and whether its selfish or not doesn't matter to us,we are happy as a family of 3.

Neverplayleapfrogwithaunicorn · 21/06/2019 14:40

I have an only child and it’s certainly not by choice. I wish I could give her a sibling but after finding out at 41 that I am riddled with endometriomas... I don’t think a sibling is on the cards.

The thought that anyone may think I’m selfish for only having one saddens me.
I have had people asking for years If we plan to have another.... it’s been the plan for 5 years but my body has other plans.
I’m utterly grateful for my mad 8 year old DD though x

BurntSausage · 21/06/2019 14:41

*BertrandRussell

I think, actually, of all the reasons for not having more than one, the “one will get 100% of our attention” is the one that bothers me most. Getting 100% of the attention is not necessarily a good thing. It can be very oppressive. And being “outnumbered” in a family is not necessarily a good dynamic.*

But surely you can say the reverse is true - a massive family where each child only gets the bare bones of a parent’s attention is also not necessarily a good thing. A family where children outnumber adults might also not be a good dynamic.

Basically, OP, there’s no right answer. Having an only is both BU and NBU. Arguments can be made for both sides. Hope that helps Wink

wendywoopywoo222 · 21/06/2019 14:42

No.

They wouldn't be children together because of the age gap and having siblings doesn't guarantee they will support each other or even like each other.
I have siblings, am the only one to support my aging parents and I would of much rather be an only child.

ChihuahuaMummy1 · 21/06/2019 14:43

Forgot to add.I had ds 5 at 33 and we got asked constantly if we were having anymore,sometimes by strangers! Now I'm 39 people dont ask as much but my god it used to annoy me

MinnieMountain · 21/06/2019 14:43

I suppose some people would call our decision to have one child as we'd still have time to be "us" too selfish, but it works for our family.

I can't have more DC now but even before that I didn't regret it.

My relationships with my 4 siblings are not at all close. Older DSis bullied me and never got called up on it, other siblings are much younger.

DS (5) is happy, inquisitive and articulate.

adognamedhog · 21/06/2019 14:44

My only child is a teenager now. We had years of people asking when we'd have
another one.
My child was bullied very badly in primary school by two children (both who had older brothers). When I asked the school to watch the behaviour of these children, their response was that my DC was a sensitive only child. In the end the children came up behind with a skipping rope and tried to strangle my child. The school changed its tune then but the I ingrained prejudices about only children actually stopped my child getting help in a very dangerous situation. It still makes me cross years later...

LarryGreysonsDoor · 21/06/2019 14:51

My closest friend is also an only so maybe we gravitate towards each other

I think so. I am an only and my oldest friend is an only also. I think other onlys know how we think.
DH is one of 4 but never speaks to any of them.

In my year at school I was the only only child. I remember sitting in the french lesson where you learn to introduce yourself by saying how many brothers and sisters you have and the french teacher not knowing how to say only child in french.

Schoolisback1973 · 21/06/2019 14:56

Nope, my 11 years DD is a very happy only child and says she is lucky all the time.
I will tell you what stopped me at one child. The nursery fees were higher than my rent. I just couldn't afford a second child. Now I don't regret it. She is being more independent and I am loving my 'me' time.

RiftGibbon · 21/06/2019 14:57

No.
I ran into complications birthing my DC. They could have died; I could have died. The risk didn't seem worth taking a second time as I'm an older mother as it is.

BertrandRussell · 21/06/2019 14:58

“But surely you can say the reverse is true - a massive family where each child only gets the bare bones of a parent’s attention is also not necessarily a good thing.”

i don’t think that’s a good thing either!

leckford · 21/06/2019 15:01

No. I always wanted to be an only child more money to be spent on you, more attention etc

BlackeyedGruesome · 21/06/2019 15:02

no.

ok so I missed having a sibling occasionally, but mostly liked my own space. the crap bits of my childhood are nothing to do with being an only.

ohnoessexgirl · 21/06/2019 15:06

No. I only have one child. I never felt like I wanted any more. I had terrible PND and the first 5 years after her birth were very painful and difficult. I could never risk going through that again. Anyway- why is it anyone else's business if you only have one child?

HappyDinosaur · 21/06/2019 15:07

Lots of people are mentioning sibling support for when parents get elderly, which is bizarre. Often only one child can or will do this anyway! I don't expect my daughter to care for me when I'm older, I will do my best to ensure she doesn't have to. I also know plenty of siblings who are spoilt or who don't get on together, I think having or not having a sibling has very little to do with all that. It's more selfish to have one or more children that you can't afford to care for properly in my opinion.

dottiedodah · 21/06/2019 15:08

I am an only child ,and used to long for a Sister!.However most friends with siblings would fight with them !.As I have got older I have grown used to it TBH and it doesnt really bother me .My parents couldnt have any more after me, but if you decide 1 is enough for you then its nobody elses business!.As far as having a sibling to deal with parents old age(Maiden MotherCrone) this is not really a given ,as my cousin and a friend died leaving their sisters to care for Mum ,Also another 2 friends siblings live abroad .

Hithere12 · 21/06/2019 15:12

Well I had pretty crappy parents so I “needed” my younger sister if that makes sense. My childhood would have been absolute crap without her. But as long as the child has great parents he/she gets along with then no it’s not selfish.

But I do see the other side where people with a sibling couldn’t imagine their childhood without another kid and just living with/going on holiday with grown ups. So I see both sides.

Hithere12 · 21/06/2019 15:15

But surely you can say the reverse is true - a massive family where each child only gets the bare bones of a parent’s attention is also not necessarily a good thing

You’re deliberately straw manning. Very few people have “massive families” the majority have two children.