Is having an only child selfish?

[whothedaddy]

Just that really. In your honest opinion is it wrong/selfish to have an only child and why?

*very happy and not lonely

No it is not selfish to only have one.
Everyone's circumstances are different and people should be able to do what is right for them without judgement from others.
People have different reasons for stopping at one.

For us it wasn't through choice. I would have loved to give dd a sibling, if for no other reason than she is desperate to have one. We weren't fortunate enough for that to happen. I have felt guilty that I haven't been able to give her a sibling, on top of how I felt when 3 courses of fertility treatment failed, but I certainly haven't felt selfish.
Dd is only 8. When she is older and can understand I will explain why she didn't have a sibling.

Yes. It is selfish and you can spot only children — as children or adults — a mile off. They are often worse at sharing, over-indulged, and demanding

Every single only child I’ve met is so bad at sharing. I’m always shocked when people can’t share then I find out they’re an only child and it makes sense. Before I get flamed I’m not saying they’re over indulged/spoilt but the sharing thing is true.

No of course not! It’s incredibly sensible from a financial and environmental point of view.

No definitely not!
The mad folk on here who post about having just one more, when they already have 3 or more are the selfish ones imho! The world is fucked,and is going to be more and more fucked by overpopulation! An ex friend of mine has 8 kids , who are beautiful, but have no real life as there are just too many of them it’s fucking selfish and totally mad to have that many!

Hit, by the way that is rubbish about only children not sharing. If anything they tend to share far too much, as they don’t want to be accused of being selfish. I did, and I made damn sure my DS wouldn’t be a pushover.

OP, there is plenty of research to show that in terms of personality type, IQ etc the magic cut-off is ca a 6-year gap, so even with a baby sibling your DD would, to all intents and purposes, develop as an “only”. As would the younger sibling. And that’s not a bad thing at all - your DD is growing up I’m a loving home by the sound of it and will be fine no matter what position she’s in in the family hierarchy.

I do find these studies fascinating BTW. Apparently the older sibling is statistically Iikely to have an IQ 2 points higher than the younger siblings. Although does that even matter? In my experience, siblings 2 & 3 are often more street smart..,

Hitherto, from a psychological perspective, only children are more resemblant to middle children. Who are, incidentally, the less likely to be entitled, spoiled kids.

My neighbour, who is a wealthy mother of 4, told me once it was “unhealthy” to have an only, too much love for a single child, she said... I wish she had stopped at 1 as perhaps too much love is better or she has far too little love for his 4 hooligans, who are the bullies of the street.

Obviously, the point is that any child can be spoiled regardless of it being an only or one of 10.

Yes .

You will die and this only child will carry the burden of burying you and your OH on their own .

You will die and this only child will carry the burden of burying you and your OH on their own
What if the child dies before the parents? What if the siblings die?
A bit of a ridiculous reason to have more than 1 child.

Yes, if its a choice to have only one, as i think a child benefits in so many ways from having a siblings to grow up with, their children will then have cousins etc.
I actually have an only child and I'm just so relieved he at least has lots of cousins to share his childhood with.

Hitherto, from a psychological perspective, only children are more resemblant to middle children. Who are, incidentally, the less likely to be entitled, spoiled kids

Only children are less spoiled than children with siblings 😂 I’ve heard it all now. I’m sorry but that is very few peoples lived experience.

Where do you think the little emperor stereotype comes from? Out of thin air?

Here is some actual research conducted by scientists. MRI scans have shown onlies brains develop differently to the point where they are more selfish.

www.dailymail.co.uk/sciencetech/article-4493960/Being-child-DOES-make-selfish.html

“The authors, from Southwest University in Chongqing, China, write in the journal Brain Imaging and Behaviour: 'Due to the absence of siblings, only children usually miss out on important opportunities to rehearse some of the more complicated aspects of relationships within a safe environment and also miss many opportunities to develop psychosocial skills, emotional support and learning opportunities compared with non-only-children”

Hithere12, it sounds like you have a real antipathy towards only children but from your first post it sounds like you had a shitty childhood yourself without being an only child. I think you're directing your anger in the wrong direction.

NO,it's not selfish at all, you can have one child,,no children,or 10 or more, it's a personal choice. I suppose if you have one child,and can't have anymore, and would like another,,then it would be sad, but one child is fine big time.

Bloody Hell Hithere, China is DOOMED if things are so simplistic as in that article.

I really cannot imagine modelling any positive relationships on my interaction with my siblings... we were not even friends!

Having said that, I really don’t feel antipathy to those who end up with 20 children or one, is a personal choice.

Hithere12 nice selective use of the article. You've missed out the parts that include "might", "could" and "may".

I don't think have one child is selfish as the reasons people give for having more don't always work out (as in the case with my siblings). On the other hand, I had terrible anxiety with DS and a second DC would only have exacerbated it.

My siblings are and always have been my best friends. Their children bring a lot of joy to my children. My best memories of childhood arr of holidays or parties with lots of siblings and their friends. I think it helps to learn that you have to wait for attention, or money, or resources. As long as you are loved and cherished, and you know that. I had to share a room until I was 13 and I craved space, but not as much as I loved my sibling, and enjoyed chatting, playing, being there for each other.
I don't think having 1 is selfish, as there could be many reasons to choose to have one, or for that to be not a choice.
But I am so grateful for my siblings.

Perhaps Hithere needs some training on why skimming a tabloid article doesn’t constitute proof of anything.

I’m sure there are some differences that could be generalised about for only children, just as there are in terms of how birth order has an effect on your personality, but the myth of only children being selfish, bossy and intolerant stem from an 1890-something American study which didn’t actually test children, but asked people what they thought of only children — the myths are ongoing.

No.
They have your undivided attention, which could make them spoilt and demanding, but as long as you give firm boundaries and access to other children, they will hopefully grow up to be amazing, strong, confident, sociable individuals (like my DD )

If it is selfish not to want to put yourself through pregnancy with all the risks that entails including wrecking your body in childbirth (and possibly even dying - it does still happen, even in the UK and leaving your first child(ren) motherless), then, as I have said on other threads on this topic, I embrace my selfishness. My body is not just here to be an incubator for multiple children.

Also, you could argue that it's selfish to impose siblings on your children whether they want them or not.

And the most entitled parents are usually those with more than one child "well I must absolutely have a massive gas-guzzling car because I have more than one child because how do I otherwise fit all the car seats in" or "I have to drive my children to school because the toddler can't walk". Or trying to guilt trip people into having child plus sibling at party, even though the birthday child is only friends with one of the children.

Personally I think it's a lot more selfish to reproduce without considering whether it's actually a good idea to have children or not. And as people have pointed out, the planet is overpopulated and we don't need more children at all (paying for pensions isn't a need, it's just the way the system is set up - it could be changed).

@Jellybabies1234

My only child would have had a sibling if I hadn't miscarried her. Selfish eh.

You sound like a joy to be around. Have a cup of tea and a nice biscuit. But make sure you don't have to share it.

I'm just having breakfast sharing a plate of toast with my ONLY child. Shock, horror, gasp!!

Some people on this thread really do have massive issues with only children.

Not everyone is lucky enough to give birth to live healthy children. My first daughter died before she was born. She had a chromosome disorder that meant had she lived she would of been severely disabled. We had to undergo genetic testing to find out if that disorder came from us or was just 'one of those things' (it was just 'one of those things' in the end. Didn't make it any better). It had taken us 11 years to conceive her.

Her birth, death and the subsequent events left me with PTSD. When I fell pregnant with DD2, I spent 38 weeks absolutely terrified that she would die too. Those thoughts were 'confirmed' when I had to go in for monitoring because of a nasty kidney problem caused by pregnancy and the midwife couldn't find the heartbeat. Those minutes of deafening silence and the absolute relief when a second midwife found her will stay with me for the rest of my life.

I would of loved to have given her a living sibling. But I'm late 30's at this point, what if it were to take another decade? I've worked bloody hard to get a handle on my mental health what if another pregnancy sent me right back to where I was? Surely my daughter needs a mum who is well more than she needs a living sibling? What if we had given her a sibling and that sibling was ill like her sister? Requiring life long care? Would that be fair? Real life doesn't give a shit about 'ideals'. Sometimes it's harsh and cruel and you just have to take what you've got and be bloody grateful you've got that.

I don't intend to put the burden of caring for me or my husband on her. I will encourage her to be kind, to share and to be a good friend. I hope that she will surround herself with good people and have a full life. One day I will tell her about her sister and hope that she can understand that all we have done we have done for her to give her the best possible life.

And if that makes me selfish, well I'm ok with it.

I also miscarried planned DC2. We decided not to try again.
I know a little boy who's parents decided they wouldn't try again for DC2 if he was a miscarriage. They are certainly not selfish people.