Is having an only child selfish?

[whothedaddy]

Just that really. In your honest opinion is it wrong/selfish to have an only child and why?

You will die and this only child will carry the burden of burying you and your OH on their own

Both my parents have siblings. Both of them carried the burden of elderly parents and the subsequent death and dealing with their estate etc alone.

The issue for me is when you start decrying people as selfish for having an only child, you’re basically saying all only children will suffer. Which is, obviously, a load of tosh.

I don't think anyone is suggesting that people who cannot have more than one DC are selfish.

I thought the question was regarding parents who choose to have one and no more, because of affording holidays, cars, more sleep, less stress, keeping their figure etc.

If you don't have the money, or the partner or of age is not on your side, or you don't have the right sized home, then why would stopping at one be such a crime or deemed selfish? I find it far more selfish to have multiple children when the circumstances don't align. Having children go without and not being able to give them everything they need and deserve (and I don't just mean money) is far more selfish imho.

Gummybear11

But for the child - whatever the reasons they’re an only - the effect is the same!

"thought the question was regarding parents who choose to have one and no more, because of affording holidays, cars, more sleep, less stress, keeping their figure etc."

Those all seem like perfectly valid reasons to me, especially the stress and lack of sleep. What's wrong with wanting to retain one's sanity?

I don't think it's selfish to only have one child, there are many reasons someone would decide not to have another. As much as you want to do what is deemed best for your existing child, you also need to consider what is best for you.

That said, I have 2 brothers and we are very close (all in our 30s). I couldn't imagine my life without them. Having siblings (in my experience) means I have friends for life. DH and I don't have a family yet but are currently TTC. We would ideally like to have more than one.

@Mummyshark2019 I agree in those circumstances it's not ideal to have another child. Again, didn't think we were talking about people that aren't in the position to or physically can't have another.

@PineappleSeahorse The stress and lack of sleep is very temporary in the whole scheme of things. If someone has mental health problems then, again, that's different.

I wouldn't describe it as "selfish" to stop at only one if you have the resources and the time. I'd describe it as a bit of a shame for the existing child when having siblings can bring so much benefit. No it's not a guarantee but more likely than not.
I know so many people that are very bonded with their siblings.

My two daughters are extremely close and they can't wait for another sibling. I know it's not the same for everyone though.

A lot of people can’t afford more than one kid and have them anyway. I think that’s more selfish. You do need to consider your ability to raise the kids you already have before producing new ones.

@Teddybear45 I agree

It isn't a shame at all. Personally I'm very grateful that I don't have to deal with sibling relationships. Even if some didn't enjoy being an only child there's no guarantee that they'd have had the sibling relationship they desired. Of course there are many positive relationships but like any other relationship just being related by blood or marriage is far from a guarantee that they'll be close and love on another. I know more negative sibling relationships than positive so I'm not at all envious and never have been. Extreme example but I know someone who was murdered by his younger brother whom he'd never gotten along with. I know people who had drug addict siblings steal from them. Siblings collude to steal a big part of an inheritance from another. Many siblings who just don't talk. Some who fight constantly. Siblings who won't do anything to help with their parents. Siblings who leave their brother or sister to deal with everything after a death.

Of course there are positive relationships too but it's so far from a guarantee that I cannot understand why anyone would base their decision on how many children to have on a purely hypothetical relationship that may never come to fruition. Their sibling could be their best friend, their worst enemy or most likely anything in between. You never know how they'll feel about each other yet people talk as though it's practically a guarantee that they'll love each other.

So, no in my experience there's no more likely about it. It's anecdote of course but I genuinely know far more negative sibling experiences than positive.

Anecdotal.

God no. My boys are great friends and I'd be sad for them to not have that, obviously, given that they've spent 13 years together. Equally my husband and I have a brilliant time with each of them alone - I feel like we would have made a great three-person family.

@PineappleSeahorse of course some have negative sibling relationships...but overall in my experience/have witnessed the opposite. There's no guarantee of course but I definitely wouldn't use "they may not get on" as a reason not to have more. Maybe I live in a weird bubble of unusual positive sibling relationships ? There's also the fact that my future grandchildren will more than likely have lots of cousins which is lovely I think.

As I said before I'm an only child, didn't have cousins and resent what I missed out on and am still missing out on as an adult.

There are quite often posts on here from women who have found themselves 'over-childed' and struggling/not enjoying life or their children because they've taken on too much. I wonder how much of this is due to the expectation/pressure from people around them to keep going to avoid a dreaded only child.

I can't really relate to posts where people talk about how they have three kids and hardly have any time to themselves, their life is really tough, they're exhausted, etc. It's like - well, duh? That's kind of what happens!

In this dilemma too.

And I'm only 9 bloody weeks.

But I know DP wants more than 1.. I've only ever wanted one. But I feel like I should be expected to have another because of the stigma around lonely and spiult bratty only children. When I try and explain my reasoning, and say I would try my hardest to being up my child not to be lonely, and definitely not spoilt, they will know the meaning of no. I just get laughed at, eye rolls and 'yeah..alright then' is absolutely infuriates me!

I ONLY AANT ONE BLOODY CHILD PLEASE.

No I wouldn't use it a reason not to have more, but I wouldn't use the mythical sibling bond as the sole reason to have another when it is so far from a guarantee and you could be giving them someone who is actively detrimental to their life. If you want more kids fine, but I wouldn't advise anyone to have another child just to give their child a brother or sister.

I'm sorry that you didn't enjoy being an only child but you have no way of knowing what your relationship with a sibling would have been like either. Just as I sit here and say us have hated a sibling but perhaps if I'd have had a positive relationship I might have enjoyed it. Who knows?

IMHO It's foolish to rely on any one relationship to give you happiness and it's up to us to form our own bonds with friends and partners as adults, not blame our parents for the lack of a relationship that may never have happened and which they in no way owed you.My Mother loved her siblings very much but three of her brothers were alcoholics and the stress and trouble they caused her was immense, and I'm in no way sorry that I don't have to deal with that possibility. Siblings can be a source of stress as well as support.

I’m an only child and have always loved it. I’m very close to my parents and have surrounded myself with a wonderful group of friends who are essentially siblings, just ones I’ve chosen for myself. DH is one of three and has a very turbulent relationship with his family- all siblings very different and not massively close. Our DD will be an only despite me occasionally getting broody and anyone who tries to tell me that’s selfish will get pretty short shrift TBH.

And for all those talking about parental care: my DM was sole carer for her father for years while her DB visited for a few days every year and avoided all responsibility. My DPs have already put precautions and finances in place so that I will have professional support when they need care, and DH and I will do the same for our DD.

Also I think it's just entirely dependent on your child's temperament and personality. I would have hated siblings - I don't like noisy households, I like my own space, I liked my mum to myself My DP had siblings but is the same as me and while he obviously loves his brother and sister, he would prefer our DD to be an only too. My stepbrother is one of four but everyone always jokes that he lived his entire childhood as an only child as he wasn't interested in his siblings overly and was always trying to get away and have his own space!

Some people will get on well with siblings, others won't. Some relationships will be good, some will be bad. Neither state is better than the other or 'more ideal'. It's entirely dependent. So do what you think is right for your family.

As for cousins I have a ton of cousins and we were close as children and often went on holiday together and it was nice in a way, but personally I'd have been just as happy to go on holiday with just my family and I was always glad to get back to the space and quiet of my own home. I love them but I very rarely see them and some I haven't seen for years. I could probably pass some by in the street without recognising them.

As I said before I'm an only child, didn't have cousins and resent what I missed out on and am still missing out on as an adult

You are resenting what you may or may not have missed out on @Gummybear11. You have absolutely no experience of having siblings or cousins, and cannot have any idea of what that is really like, just what it looks like from the outside from the perspective of a resentful and idealising adult only child.

And beware expecting your daughters to be very close throughout their lives because that suits your version of reality. My mother has strong notions of how close and mutually dutiful siblings should be, and is volubly disappointed and angry that my siblings and I are not at all close, all live in different countries, and speak once or twice a year, if that. It is, of course, a direct effect of growing up in a household where there wasn't enough space, money or parental attention for anywhere near the number of children they had.

The more is definitely not always the merrier.

Yes, temperament makes a difference I'm sure. I like a lot of space, much more than most people. Though my only child cousin who is extremely sociable also loves being an only child and has chosen to have an only child.

My dh is an only child. He had a lovely childhood (dad and grandparents only, no mum on the scene). He went to a private school, had lovely summer holidays with grandparents in Spain or Florida every year and remains very close to them. However, as a 30 year old, the bulk of things such as paying bills online and various extras fall on him because he doesn't have a sibling to split this role with.

Wow, I honestly didn't realise SO many people had such negative relationships with their siblings!

@MaidenMotherCrone that all assumes your kids get on with each other and live nearby. There’s nothing to suggest either of them will want to (or be able to) look after you in old age. To have children so that you have care in old age is selfish.