Is having an only child selfish?

[whothedaddy]

Just that really. In your honest opinion is it wrong/selfish to have an only child and why?

No.

I'm an only child and perfectly happy.

Out of 10 of my friends, three are no contact with their siblings because they're a nightmare.

I read an article once about a couple's decision to have a second child so their first DC wasn't an only and then the two children hated each other.

The thing that stuck with me was a quote along the lines of "You may dream about having a second child so that they can be great friends and support each other, but there's an equal risk that you're going to give birth to their nemesis".

Of course, many siblings are close/supportive but just as many aren't and some are each other's worst nightmare!

This argument about the ‘selfishness’ of having an only child is just a more virtue-signalling and unimaginative version of the ‘selfishness’ of choosing not to have children at all. Both suffer from sugary nonsense about how you’ve never known love before you’ve had a child, or you’re not really a family until you see your children bond and imagine them hugging one another supportively around your deathbed, whereas only children are spoilt little emperors who will have to buy your coffin alone and will have ten children of their own to make up for their lonely, materialistic childhood.

In the same way that people who choose not to have children are chilly, immature materialists who are continually off their tits at festivals or sunning themselves in the Maldives or refusing to allow their employees to book Christmas off.

I don't get this lonely materialistic childhood idea . My only child is probably the least materialistic teenager I know. He spends most of his pocket money on doing activities with his friends and has no interest in fashion or in having the latest anything.

But the Big Book of Mumsnet Rules deems that your only child should be Kim Jong-un meets Richie Rich. Please do better!

Yy, Calloway, just as if you choose not to have children, you need to be a Nobel prize winner, jet-setting CEO, and save the world at weekends, when you’re not doing ultramarathons or trekking in Bhutan. If you just like sitting around in your pyjamas doing macramé and walking the dog, then why aren’t you up to your neck in nappies, Lego and reading book bands like normal people?

I think selfish is a very odd word to use in the context, to be honest.

Some people say having any children at all is selfish, some people say having more than two is and some people say having just the one is. I say as long as you are happy and you love your child/ren and bring it/them up in the best way you can who care's what anyone thinks?

Yes- there’s a hardline environmental argument against having children. In my experience, usually used by people wanting to deflect from their desire to continue to use cheap flights and drive big cars!

No. yawn

No, I plan on having only one eventually. I don't want my life taken up by children constantly but I would love to be a mother.

It's also good for the environment to only have one (or none!).

In my experience, usually used by people wanting to deflect from their desire to continue to use cheap flights and drive big cars! I drive a 4 seater with a 1.0 litre engine. In my experience, bigger families have bigger cars, my neighbours have 3 cars, including two people carriers that they don't have space to park.

Calloway & Bastable
Your posts made me 😂

no

Yes. It is selfish and you can spot only children — as children or adults — a mile off. They are often worse at sharing, over-indulged, and demanding.

And you can spot people with siblings instantly because they talk a lot of shit about only children.

Not at all. It’s only selfish to have more children than you can cope with imo.

No. The extra resources you have can be used to give the child meaningful interactions if indeed there are extra resources. These can be clubs groups summer schools a pet and so on. It is better than having more children you cannot afford monetarily or emotionally, that you do not have the time space or energy to keep up with just because other people think you should pop a few extra out or whatever it is x

Wow, don't people love projecting onto others here?! 🤣. As for the 'environmental argument being from people who don't want to sacrifice their big cars and frequent flights', not quite in my experience. I'm a scientist and understand the resource implications. We also don't own a car or fly very often at all. When our only DC arrives I'll be doing my hardest to minimise the environmental impact of adding an additional human to the population.

It's not selfish per se. As my DF always says 'we're all a product of our environment' and a lot of people will make family choices based on their own experiences and circumstances, good or bad.

For those of you wanting viewpoints from adult onlies, I am one and was happy as a child (my parents are also both onlies) and am as an adult. Most of my primary school friends had annoying siblings. I was surrounded by adults as a child (grandparents lived very close to us too) and as a PP has said, I too didn't really like childish messy behaviour at children's parties/dinner tables. I was taught to share with the pet dog (if I got a biscuit I had to get him a biscuit too!) and the adults around me - in the car we took it in turns to pick which cassette we wanted playing. I do have 2nd cousins who get on really well as an example of siblings who have a good relationship, but I totally understand it's not a given!

My DH has a younger brother. Despite them getting on fine as children they now don't. We think it's a one sided sibling rivalry from BIL's side (various events that happened to him seem to be blamed on my DH because my DH didn't have those things to deal with). It's affected our relationship with the ILs too as they went out of their way to put pressure on us to build bridges when we tried really hard to no avail. In particular MIL doesn't seem to want to accept that it's BIL who has the issue! In retrospect I think this is partly due to her own dysfunctional family as eldest of 6 all of whom are pretty self-centred. She had to deal with both her parents' illnesses alone (well, with help from FIL) as was the only one living near them, yet if that wasn't enough they were also obstructive about the best way to deal with it. Despite all this shitty behaviour she tries to keep the peace! FIL was an only and I think that caused him to want two but as always, it hasn't turned out to be the sibling relationship he wanted for his children 🤷

@Jellybabies1234 load of shite.

The children I know who can’t share are all siblings! Only children in my experience are happy to share, probably because they don’t have someone constantly fighting them for stuff or any need to be possessive. My friend with 4 kids says she has always had to buy 4 of everything because otherwise they just whinge and fight, and two of the kids are twins so it’s not like they’ve never had to share!

@Jellybabies1234 load of shite. Agreed

I LOVE being an only child!

And I won’t be alone when my parents die I have plenty of family and many friends around me!

No it isn't. It would be selfish to have more children than you can support emotionally (I would also say financially but people's circumstances can unexpectedly change).

We have one by choice. We can all have a comfortable life, not extravagant but comfortable.

Our son can take part in extra activities e.g. swimming lessons and currently, his drama group without us having to worry about doing the same for a sibling or carting them to DS activities.

He has plenty of friends, shares happily and is not spoilt.

Your life, your children, your choice. Not selfish at all. There are so many pros and cons to both options. I have a brother but would have loved more siblings. Ask my eldest and she'd say it was an awful decision to have more kids and she would seriously much rather be an only child.

Only read half way down

No it’s absolutely not selfish. We almost stopped at one. DD was just enough for us and we knew she had zero desire for a sibling. It never entered her mind and she without a doubt would have been very happy and not lovely growing up an only child.

We had DS because we wanted another child so really we were being selfish. DD has really struggled with the change and in fact we all have. Now DS is 10 months old she is starting to come round to him and sometimes they sort of play together. I’m hoping that eventually he brings more positives to her than negatives but it’s been really hard. I personally really miss that close and special bond we had when it was just her and she was the centre of mine and DHs world.

We didn’t have DS for the reason of a close sibling bond though... I know there are absolutely no guarantees.

I have an older (by 2 years) DDis and although we played quite well as you get children by the time we were teenagers she was awful and spiteful towards me and basically bullied me and our parents always favoured her (golden child) so never pulled her up on it. We are not close in anyway and usually only meet up once a year if that for family things. We do not feature in each others daily lives at all.... in fact I’m more than one occasion I’ve genuinely forgotten that I even have a sister!
So I’ve never understood or experienced this wonderful warm and fuzzy sibling relationship that people talk about either and she will be zero help when our parents are older, except probably reluctantly financially. Although I fully expect her to be a gigantic pita over inheritance