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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To not buy wedding present?

155 replies

Breakaplate · 20/06/2019 18:37

Back story : grew up in a quaint town which has been overtaken with second home owners and most local kids have been priced out. Moved to nearest city 60 miles away.
BFF has been ill and had a horrid time lately but thankfully recovered and is now well. Due to illness she has decided to get married sooner than initially planned and sent everyone a letter explaining that she would love to have everyone with her but because of the illness she can't pay for the wedding. She said she didn't mind if we couldn't come but would love it if we did, but to come would cost £250per person (not including outfits or childcare as its a child free wedding) as it's back at our gorgeous home town church so need to stay the night (includeds wedding breakfast and following days breakfast)
Because she has been so poorly most of her friends have agreed and there are about 70 people who have paid to go at the end of July.
This morning I received a wedding list with a note saying
'we value every gift you give but if you could buy something from the list below then you will know we will treasure it forever'
I hadn't planned to give a gift at all, I really don't mind paying the £500 as it was spoken about in advance but to give a gift as well???
I NC but have just re read my thread and if you know me it's obvious who I am. Rachel if you are reading then yes it's about you, I hope you are not (not yet ttc so hopefully blissfully unaware of MN) I will accept the MN hive opinion so you may or may not get a gift.

OP posts:
MoseShrute · 20/06/2019 18:39

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Kel801 · 20/06/2019 18:40

I definitely wouldn’t be getting something of the list. Perhaps a small token gift of a framed pic or something , I got a gorgeous cross stitch of a pic of me and hubby as a pressie at my wedding and it’s my favourite thing ever

GreenTulips · 20/06/2019 18:42

Wow! That’s quite cheeky isnt it?

It kind of you to pay to go, but you don’t get a say in the venue, food or music etc and then pay for outfits etc

I think this is a bit much

Finfintytint · 20/06/2019 18:42

No I wouldn’t be buying a present and illness or not, that is one cheeky fucker of a friend you have. Pfft.

HeadsDownThumbsUpEveryone · 20/06/2019 18:43

Errr why the fuck does she now want gifts Shock I am amazed that 70 people have been gullible enough to pay £250 quid each to attend a wedding. Whether your friend is ill or not a wedding does not need to cost a lot of money her 70 guests have provided a nice sum of £17,500!!!

Daygals · 20/06/2019 18:43

Wow. Obviously her circumstances are really hard and her friends must care deeply to have contributed so much to the wedding but why did it cost so much per head? I could understand each covering their own meal but are you contributing to dress/cars/flowers etc too.

I wouldn't have expected to be asked to buy a present too

Idontwanttotalk · 20/06/2019 18:43

Considering everyone is paying £250 each to attend , I think expecting a present too is a step too far.

forkfun · 20/06/2019 18:44

No gift necessary.

cheesenpickles · 20/06/2019 18:45

@Breakaplate sounds like the town I grew up in. Does it have a castle? Tbh I think presence rather than presents will be appreciated. Probably put the list in so she didn't get a load of tat.

user1511042793 · 20/06/2019 18:46

No gift you were good enough to fund her wedding.

ChesterDrawsDoesntExist · 20/06/2019 18:46

I don't understand how it can cost £250 per head. It's just crazy. That's £17,500! I had 72 guests and it was more like £3K and that included the meal, buffet and venue! Is the bride making a profit on it?

TinselTimes · 20/06/2019 18:46

I’d give a token gift only - like a photo frame with a nice photo of you two, or maybe just a card.

You could mention to her nicely that some people won’t give gifts given that they’re already paying for the wedding, I suspect she’s just getting thinking of it as a normal wedding and hasn’t thought it through.

Jemima232 · 20/06/2019 18:46

I wouldn't have paid the £250, never mind buy her a wedding present.

£17,500 for a wedding? She can fuck right off.

cheesenpickles · 20/06/2019 18:46

*from well meaning relatives. We didn't ask for gifts or money and we got some ... interesting things. Grin

Queenoftheashes · 20/06/2019 18:47

Of course you don’t get a gift! The gift is all these people contributing to her wedding! What a complete cheek!!

Shoxfordian · 20/06/2019 18:47

Were you expecting her to pay for your accommodation? I think its mean to not give a wedding gift
If you can't afford to go then don't go

DaisiesAreOurSilver · 20/06/2019 18:47

No. Very cheeky.

ElleDubloo · 20/06/2019 18:47

No I would either give the £250 or give an expensive gift, not both.

I probably would have looked into whether I could attend the wedding but arrange my own accommodation.

IwantedtobeEmmaPeel · 20/06/2019 18:47

No, I would not be buying a gift. Really greedy of the bride and groom to send out a gift list after getting all their guests to pay for their wedding. Some people have no shame.

BumandChips · 20/06/2019 18:48

You know, if she couldn’t afford it she didn’t have to have the big wedding.

Illness or not, she’s one cheeky fucker.

Finfintytint · 20/06/2019 18:48

Reread the post and perhaps I’m being uncharitable. Is she dying and wants a final memory of a bloody great wedding that her friends are happy to accommodate?

ElleDubloo · 20/06/2019 18:49

Oh yeah, £250 x 70 people = £17,500 which is ridiculous for other people to pay for. And to ask for a present on top of it!!

I’m very sorry that she was so ill, but she seems to be capitalising on her illness. Not classy.

HUZZAH212 · 20/06/2019 18:49

Why £250pp? Is that to cover hotel/food or cover the actual wedding costs? Did everyone send a bank transfer or something so they could pay for the lot?

GreenTulips · 20/06/2019 18:52

I doubt she’s dying

For a start shed have no use for the gifts
And OP said they aren’t TTC yet

MrsMozartMkII · 20/06/2019 18:52

Wow. That's a lot of money.

Why the heck do they need do much money, and why do they need so much money AND a gift?