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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not buy wedding present?

155 replies

Breakaplate · 20/06/2019 18:37

Back story : grew up in a quaint town which has been overtaken with second home owners and most local kids have been priced out. Moved to nearest city 60 miles away.
BFF has been ill and had a horrid time lately but thankfully recovered and is now well. Due to illness she has decided to get married sooner than initially planned and sent everyone a letter explaining that she would love to have everyone with her but because of the illness she can't pay for the wedding. She said she didn't mind if we couldn't come but would love it if we did, but to come would cost £250per person (not including outfits or childcare as its a child free wedding) as it's back at our gorgeous home town church so need to stay the night (includeds wedding breakfast and following days breakfast)
Because she has been so poorly most of her friends have agreed and there are about 70 people who have paid to go at the end of July.
This morning I received a wedding list with a note saying
'we value every gift you give but if you could buy something from the list below then you will know we will treasure it forever'
I hadn't planned to give a gift at all, I really don't mind paying the £500 as it was spoken about in advance but to give a gift as well???
I NC but have just re read my thread and if you know me it's obvious who I am. Rachel if you are reading then yes it's about you, I hope you are not (not yet ttc so hopefully blissfully unaware of MN) I will accept the MN hive opinion so you may or may not get a gift.

OP posts:
AppleDump · 20/06/2019 19:47

What's on the wedding list?

A set of cups from M&S then yes or a crystal vase from Harrods then fuck no!

please send us a copy of the list

DogHairEverywhere · 20/06/2019 19:48

So you're paying £500 for you and your partner to stay in a posh hotel, have dinner with wine and breakfast the next morning. Tbh, it's a lot, but its not an outrageous amount.

If i could afford that, to have a fun night away with my friends, celebrating the wedding of another friend, I'd pay it and get a smallish gift (£20 - £50, depending on how close a friend she is).
If you can't afford the £500 accommodation, I'd investigate the option to just attend the meal part (obviously you'll be paying for that), then drive home afterwards.
Either way, I'd be buying a nice, but not expensive present. You are not paying for her entire wedding (assuming she has a dress, flowers, photographer etc). You're just covering you own expenses.

HUZZAH212 · 20/06/2019 19:51

Plus a gift doesn't have to be on the list - a nice framed photo of yourself and your friend £15, or a bottle of Moet from Tesco £30. I could live with an extra 30quid if I'd already come to terms with the £500.

Puzzledandpissedoff · 20/06/2019 19:55

Okay, so the £250pp includes room, breakfast and dinner, but that's still £500 for a couple - and in the original message there was "no option - it was pay or don't go"

So what about locals who don't need to stay ... would they be expected to cough up £500 per couple too? And if they expect others to fund even part of their wedding, why did they choose such an expensive venue?

sunshinefinally · 20/06/2019 19:56

Wow that is really cheeky!!

Also love the bit at the end Rachel if your reading this yes it's about you 😂😂😂😂😂

Twickerhun · 20/06/2019 19:56

If you are happy to pay the £500 then I’d buy a cheap gift off the list - you obviously have cash to spend. If you don’t have that much disposable income for one night out then I guess you can’t afford a gift which is fair enough

ThatssomebadhatHarry · 20/06/2019 19:57

Your friend is a checkup fucker. Yes she’s been ill but plenty of people are and surely it should make you realise that there is more to life than demanding big posh wedding and use her illness as an excuse to fleece her friends out of £250 per guest. She could have easily had a cheap registry wedding and asked friends to bring a plate somewhere cheap. “I don’t mind if you don’t come” is because she knows she is a cheeky fucker and is pretending otherwise and then to ask for a gift on top. Wow. You must be a great friend to even consider.

ThatssomebadhatHarry · 20/06/2019 19:57

Checkup fucker Grin. Cheeky

nothingtowearever · 20/06/2019 20:03

That is unbelievable! Firstly asking £250PP is just outrageous THEN to ask for a gift! Bloody hell!!!! Never heard anything like that! A free wedding and a gift list. Gotta hand it to her for trying but bloody hell!

Dora26 · 20/06/2019 20:04

No present - even with B and B included it is so brazen - or cf as you guys in UK call it!

HUZZAH212 · 20/06/2019 20:06

@AppleDump Miele washing machine, Smeg Kettle and toaster pack, swarovski crystal cat bowl...

Eustasiavye · 20/06/2019 20:09

Wow
The choice was pay 250 per person or don't come!!!
Holy fuck.
Then she sends a gift list!
Christ on a bike who does this?

We are having a small wedding and paying for everything. It's a destination wedding and we are footing the entire bill. Christ im speechless.

Bluerussian · 20/06/2019 20:12

I'd put a £50 note in a nice card so she can buy something of her choice. I'm sure she'll be delighted with that, plus the fact that you made the effort to go to the wedding.

AppleDump · 20/06/2019 20:12

@HUZZAH212 😝 come on OP share the list

Puzzledandpissedoff · 20/06/2019 20:13

I’m an old cynic and I think she is playing you all like a fine tooth comb

Sorry, but ditto

Acrasia · 20/06/2019 20:24

Blimey. YANBU. I am getting married later this year in DPs country, where we live. I invited my friends and assumed some would turn me down as flights and hotels are not cheap. To my surprise, and absolute delight, everyone is coming. I don’t expect gifts as well, although if anyone offers to bring me a packet or two of custard creams I wouldn’t say no!

Peterpiperpickedwrong · 20/06/2019 20:30

I think if she felt it was important for everyone she loves to celebrate with her (& pay for her) she would have booked a cheaper wedding!

What is actually on the gift list?

User2638394 · 20/06/2019 20:32

I can’t believe she made her guests pay for her wedding!! Ill or not that is ultimate CF territory. I wouldn’t be attending at all but deffo not with a gift. Unbelievable!

gerbilfun · 20/06/2019 20:37

Wow have people no shame this days Confused if you can't afford your own wedding have a registry office. What a cheeky cunt.

SparklesandFlowers · 20/06/2019 20:48

I think the bride and groom are CFs too expect people to pay for their own wedding reception. It's very sad she's been ill but it seems she has a good prognosis now, so she can either wait while saving the money or have a cheaper wedding. By stating she'd love to have everyone there but can't afford it just means "I can't afford the big wedding I want". Well, so can't a lot of people, illness or no. And many people manage to have a perfectly lovely wedding at a registry office followed by a picnic in the park or similar, for a total cost of £500 or something.

Even if all the friends are happy to fork out such a big amount each just food and accommodation (for ONE night!), to then expect a present on top is outrageous. She should be viewing everyone's payment of the hideously expensive wedding breakfast as their present, because without their money she wouldn't be able to have that.

I would honestly be completely miffed at this. But no doubt lots of people will get a gift for them too and Rachel will continue to be a CF because no-one will call her out on it.

chuckyeggtimestwo · 20/06/2019 20:49

It sounds to me like she is asking guests to pay for their own meal/drinks for the day i.e. the amount she would be charged per head at her chosen venue. At my wedding the venue is £150 per head so with hotel room (£150 for a double) which obviously would be paid for by the guests anyway - it would work out around £225 per person.
It seems Rachel’s friends are happy to do this in order for her to have the wedding she wants but cannot afford. Also they will presumably be getting lovely food/drinks/dancing, having a lovely day and staying over in a nice place in return. Also they could’ve said “No”!
OP I think you and your friends must be really nice people. In light of what Rachel has been through (and don’t forget she put in the invite that she ‘didn’t expect people to come or would be offended if they didn’t) I think maybe she isn’t being that cheeky at all.
Sending out a gift list IS a bit cheeky, however, maybe people have been asking them what they want (this happened in the run up to my wedding) and Rachel feels she needs to supply a list. I didnt want gifts as just people attneding and paying for accommodation at my wedding was enough - but people told me they wanted to buy a gift.
I think there is another side to this...

BumbleBeee69 · 20/06/2019 20:50

wow She's a cheeky fucker indeed OP. Hmm

Deadringer · 20/06/2019 21:13

Yes but chucky she didn't say, no gift necessary but if you really want to get something, she just blatantly asked for a gift, from a specific list.

LunaAzul · 20/06/2019 21:20

What happens to the people attending as a single person instead of a couple? For their £250 are they having to bunk up with a random stranger or do they get their own room?

She would get a card from me but not a present. But then again if one of my friends had asked me to pay to attend their wedding I would decline.

Jemima232 · 20/06/2019 21:47

She should have had a cheap(er) wedding and donated most of the £17,500 to a cancer charity.