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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not buy wedding present?

155 replies

Breakaplate · 20/06/2019 18:37

Back story : grew up in a quaint town which has been overtaken with second home owners and most local kids have been priced out. Moved to nearest city 60 miles away.
BFF has been ill and had a horrid time lately but thankfully recovered and is now well. Due to illness she has decided to get married sooner than initially planned and sent everyone a letter explaining that she would love to have everyone with her but because of the illness she can't pay for the wedding. She said she didn't mind if we couldn't come but would love it if we did, but to come would cost £250per person (not including outfits or childcare as its a child free wedding) as it's back at our gorgeous home town church so need to stay the night (includeds wedding breakfast and following days breakfast)
Because she has been so poorly most of her friends have agreed and there are about 70 people who have paid to go at the end of July.
This morning I received a wedding list with a note saying
'we value every gift you give but if you could buy something from the list below then you will know we will treasure it forever'
I hadn't planned to give a gift at all, I really don't mind paying the £500 as it was spoken about in advance but to give a gift as well???
I NC but have just re read my thread and if you know me it's obvious who I am. Rachel if you are reading then yes it's about you, I hope you are not (not yet ttc so hopefully blissfully unaware of MN) I will accept the MN hive opinion so you may or may not get a gift.

OP posts:
Original poster
Breakaplate · 20/06/2019 18:53

I hadn't really questioned the amount, it's a posh hotel so the rooms would be expensive plus dinner with wine and bed and breakfast. I don't mind the money even if it goes towards her dress but am a annoyed by the present. Will I look like bad for not giving one.

OP posts:
Jemima232 · 20/06/2019 18:53

OP - is your accommodation overnight being paid for or have you got that to pay as well as childcare?

ChesterDrawsDoesntExist · 20/06/2019 18:54

What's the logistics of this? I mean do you have to send her £500 per couple and she pays your room etc or is it £100 per head to her for the wedding breakfast and you have to fork out £300 per couple for the room? Have you checked out the room costs or are you just binging her the cash and she is doing it all?

Puzzledandpissedoff · 20/06/2019 18:55

'we value every gift you give but if you could buy something from the list below then you will know we will treasure it forever'

So after charging a fortune to come it's not even "presence not presents, but if you insist, blah, blah" ... they've made it very clear they expect gifts too

They've seriously got to be joking Hmm

Daygals · 20/06/2019 18:56

Oh, I've just realised it includes your hotel, surely guests would usually cover that? If it's only sixty miles away you don't need to stay overnight unless you want to but that's not part of the cost of the actual wedding.

If you have "only" covered the cost of your own meal and drinks at the actual wedding, maybe a small gift would be right.

Justmuddlingalong · 20/06/2019 18:56

Grabby fucker. A guilt inducing invitation is one thing, but a grabby, guilt inducing invitation takes the biscuit. Rachel, you and your partner need to give yourselves a good shake.

Ticklingcheese · 20/06/2019 18:58

Wow, they ask for everything financed aaand gifts from a list 😱.

Whatsername7 · 20/06/2019 18:58

If I was going to a wedding Id expect to pay for my own over night stay. Paying for overnight accomadation is part of the cost of going to a wedding imo. If you have paid for your own meal at the reception then I think id expect to buy a small gift. However, yanbu if you have contributed money to pay for the venue, dress, flowers etc.

ElleDubloo · 20/06/2019 18:59

It wouldn’t have cost her much to do a simple but lovely wedding in a village church, and asked guests to arrange their own accommodation.

Original poster
Breakaplate · 20/06/2019 18:59

@cheesenpickles yes it does.
@Shoxfordian no but am also paying for the wedding breakfast
@Finfintytint no she is in remission, I guess it could return but doctors seem pretty positive it won't, there was a time when it wasn't sure if she would make it but odds are now positive.
@HUZZAH212 yes but this isn't the issue, we all got a date where we had to pay by, I've looked at it more as a great night out with good friends.
@ElleDubloo I did think this but I'd still need to pay for the wedding breakfast and then a taxi to a different place which I felt would be more expensive and not so much fun

OP posts:
Finfintytint · 20/06/2019 19:00

In my naivety I honestly didn’t believe people like this really existed. Good god. Need a lie down.

Walkamileinmyshoesbeforeujudge · 20/06/2019 19:02

Poundland candle in a Poundland bag.
Cfery illness or not.

Ticklingcheese · 20/06/2019 19:02

finfintytint metoo

HUZZAH212 · 20/06/2019 19:03

I'm still unclear - if she's paid for the actual wedding herself, and has booked a posh hotel for guests with the option of overnight stay cost £500per double room then fair enough (if people want to stay and pay). If the 70 attendees are footing the bill for the entire wedding then she's taking the piss.

Sparadrap · 20/06/2019 19:05

CF-kery at its finest. I’m an old cynic and I think she is playing you all like a fine tooth comb. Using your now cured illness to get your mates to pay for your swanky wedding is such bad taste. The gift list is just the outrageous icing on top of a very expensive cake (which you are paying for).

HunterHearstHelmsley · 20/06/2019 19:06

How incredibly rude.

She should be getting something for the people funding her wedding.

Pipandmum · 20/06/2019 19:07

I had a wedding in London, amazing venue, beautiful flowers, drinks and canapes, four course dinner, open bar, live band, dancing and it came to about that price a head. If she couldn’t afford a wedding she should have scaled it all back considerably and still had a lovely day.

mamaofboyzz · 20/06/2019 19:11

Sorry but she is very cheeky, I would not be buying a gift and not sure I would be paying that much to be a guest at her wedding. A cheap and cheerful wedding has the same effect regardless

AKAanothername · 20/06/2019 19:11

I get it. Hotel's doing a deal, £250 per person, dinner, bed and breakfast. It's just there will be 70+ people all doing this at the same time and so the hotel are happy to host it as one big party (wedding) and will throw in a DJ and maybe a (wedding) cake. Bride & Groom get to take pride of place, the rest of you enjoy the party you've paid for. IMO, no presents necessary, you've funded the party.

Bluntness100 · 20/06/2019 19:12

Op are you deliberately misleading people here? The majority of the cost is for your accommodation and breafast the next day. I don't believe for a moment you're paying for the wedding breakfast. But even if you are it's a small portion of the cost.

So really you're just don't want to buy your mate a present, because you've decided to stay over night in a posh hotel?

Original poster
Breakaplate · 20/06/2019 19:13

@Daygals that is what my husband had said. But I wouldn't normally pay £500 for one night out even with aa hotel stay.

OP posts:
cheesenpickles · 20/06/2019 19:14

@Breakaplate almost certainly the same town I grew up in then! I would certainly say, knowing the true locals that I know, that she won't care about the present and will just be happy that you are. And the town in question certainly sticks extra 0s on things (I blame the Instagram influencers posing in front of the cute houses Confused) so that £17.5k probably will be a very simple affair.

Geminijes · 20/06/2019 19:15

So the guests are paying for her wedding and she still expects them to buy her a wedding gift?

She is one cheeky bride.

RezCowgirl · 20/06/2019 19:15

Bigger that for a bunch of bananas. I wouldn't be paying to attend. Cheeky fucker playing the ill card with that one.

kalinkafoxtrot45 · 20/06/2019 19:20

Am I being cynical or is she perhaps playing a bit on the fact she has been so ill to get everyone to find this?

If you don’t have money there are cheaper ways to have a fabulous day. This strikes me as CF and the gift list is just the cherry on top. Hmm 🍒