To not buy wedding present?

[Breakaplate]

Back story : grew up in a quaint town which has been overtaken with second home owners and most local kids have been priced out. Moved to nearest city 60 miles away.
BFF has been ill and had a horrid time lately but thankfully recovered and is now well. Due to illness she has decided to get married sooner than initially planned and sent everyone a letter explaining that she would love to have everyone with her but because of the illness she can't pay for the wedding. She said she didn't mind if we couldn't come but would love it if we did, but to come would cost £250per person (not including outfits or childcare as its a child free wedding) as it's back at our gorgeous home town church so need to stay the night (includeds wedding breakfast and following days breakfast)
Because she has been so poorly most of her friends have agreed and there are about 70 people who have paid to go at the end of July.
This morning I received a wedding list with a note saying
'we value every gift you give but if you could buy something from the list below then you will know we will treasure it forever'
I hadn't planned to give a gift at all, I really don't mind paying the £500 as it was spoken about in advance but to give a gift as well???
I NC but have just re read my thread and if you know me it's obvious who I am. Rachel if you are reading then yes it's about you, I hope you are not (not yet ttc so hopefully blissfully unaware of MN) I will accept the MN hive opinion so you may or may not get a gift.

So if all you're actually paying for is the room cost which you've chosen to opt into the bride isn't a CF. It's like agreeing to attend a wedding abroad - you know you'll be paying your own flights and room costs.

Just get her a card. Dont say anything at all.

If she follows it up afterwards, tell her she's a cheeky twat for expecting gifts in top of the entrance fee.

Unbelievable cheeky fuckery. No way would I get a present too.

I have never heard of anyone charging guests to attend a wedding. If you stayed at a local B&B, would you still need to pay .... or is going to wedding subject to staying at venue and paying full whack?

YANBU. Bring round a card and a pot plant on your first visit post wedding.

And if I had a wedding abroad, I would make it very clear I did not expect presents.

OP you need to give us a break down of the cost, if the room is €300 with breakfast, and you and your husband are paying €100 each to cover your plate then that's very different IMO.

She sent everyone a letter explaining that she would love to have everyone with her but because of the illness she can't pay for the wedding ... to come would cost £250per person

I could well be wrong, but that doesn't sound like "just paying for the room cost" to me

Could you clarify what the £250pp is actually meant to cover, OP?

What’s the pricing structure? Has she quoted the accommodation price? Can you work out what it is from their website?

CF! I got married last year, we spent a lot of money ensuring our guests had an amazing day, free flowing alcohol, loads of lovely food, we made sure they were entertained and totally looked after. We wanted to make sure everyone had a wonderful time. As mentioned, it cost a lot of money, but we also appreciated that our guests spent a lot of money coming, travel, hotel and new outfits don’t come cheap. We didn’t ask for presents. It seemed rude and grabby, on this basis, I cannot believe how unbelievably entitled your cheeky fucker friend is! Do not buy a gift.

@AKAanothername yes I think this is most likely.
@Bluntness100 no not misleading. I am paying for my meal, the wedding breakfast. I am also paying for hotel and breakfast. The choice was pay £250pp or don't come. I guess I could have asked for the meal price and driven home but I am happy to pay that. I assume I on top of childcare and outfits and travel I will also be buying drinks. I'm happy with all this. Maybe I do need to suck up the present bit.

THE £250 INCLUDES AN OVERNIGHT STAY WITH BREAKFAST.

Sorry for shouting but posters seem to be missing this. Wouldn't you all expect to pay for your own hotel? OP has admitted she could have stayed somewhere cheaper but decided this would be more fun. Also, she only lives 60 miles away so, if cost was a real problem, there was no need to stay overnight.

For the actual wedding she has paid for her own meal which is unusual but not outrageous in the circumstances imo.

Id be surprised to be asked for a gift if I was paying for my seat at the table but I would probably plan to take a small personal token for a close friend.

X-post OP but I'm sure you said earlier you'd chosen to stay at the hotel because it was more fun?

@Daygals yes it does include overnight stay but in original message there was no option. Either £250 per person or don't go.

After your last post Id say a cheaper gift. You are only paying for your meal, the rest is normal costs for a guest. When I got married I paid for a hotel for two of my guests who realised last minute they couldnt afford to come. I wanted them there so I didnt hesitate. Sometimes you just do these things.

This is INSANE! She’s basically charging you to come to her wedding (yes I know what this includes but wtf) and then wants gifts on top? This is the epitome of cheeky fuckery.

So basically, she wants a wedding but can't afford it, so she has asked the guests to pay for it. And she wants gifts too, and not just any gift, but one from a specific list. What a cheek!

THE £250 INCLUDES AN OVERNIGHT STAY WITH BREAKFAST.

True, but that is per person. I can't think of the last time I paid £350 for a double room (plus another £150 for dinner/breakfast for two)

I understand the reasoning etc and honestly this couple must have some amazing friends to agree to do this but bloody hell if they wanted to get married sooner rather then later why not just have the afters at a pub function room or something?! Honestly so fucking cheeky!

@Daygals yes I am happy to pay and agree happy to pay and stay as will be more fun. I maybe should have asked for breakdown of price but I really don't have a problem with paying for this. If I had booked my own accommodation with breakfast it would have been a least half the cost if not more.

How much does that hotel usually charge out at pet night per person without, for the moment, applying any discounts.

OP if you add up the room and all the bits one doesn't usually have covered by the bride and groom, what figure does it leave per person?

She can get married in a bloody registry office and go for a meal with her partner afterwards. I've never heard such bullshit as asking people to pay towards their wedding and expecting a gift on top of that. Personally I wouldn't be going at all. If they can't afford a wedding in a posh hotel then, like any other couple getting married, they need to scale it way back. Absolutely ridiculous notions they have!

Right so you're happy to pay so that's not the issue - gift list either buy or don't buy I doubt she'll mind. I'm assuming she won't turf you out if you come empty handed.

My DH is also in remission. Never once have we asked anyone to fund our lives.

OP I think you need to just ask yourself if you and DH would spend £500 on a night away with dinner and breakfast for any other occasion. If you would it would be reasonable to buy a small gift, otherwise I wouldn't - that (plus drinks etc) is a LOT of money to spend on someone else's wedding!

So even the people who live locally have to pay 250, even though they won't be staying?