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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not buy wedding present?

155 replies

Breakaplate · 20/06/2019 18:37

Back story : grew up in a quaint town which has been overtaken with second home owners and most local kids have been priced out. Moved to nearest city 60 miles away.
BFF has been ill and had a horrid time lately but thankfully recovered and is now well. Due to illness she has decided to get married sooner than initially planned and sent everyone a letter explaining that she would love to have everyone with her but because of the illness she can't pay for the wedding. She said she didn't mind if we couldn't come but would love it if we did, but to come would cost £250per person (not including outfits or childcare as its a child free wedding) as it's back at our gorgeous home town church so need to stay the night (includeds wedding breakfast and following days breakfast)
Because she has been so poorly most of her friends have agreed and there are about 70 people who have paid to go at the end of July.
This morning I received a wedding list with a note saying
'we value every gift you give but if you could buy something from the list below then you will know we will treasure it forever'
I hadn't planned to give a gift at all, I really don't mind paying the £500 as it was spoken about in advance but to give a gift as well???
I NC but have just re read my thread and if you know me it's obvious who I am. Rachel if you are reading then yes it's about you, I hope you are not (not yet ttc so hopefully blissfully unaware of MN) I will accept the MN hive opinion so you may or may not get a gift.

OP posts:
SteelRiver · 20/06/2019 22:41

I'm astonished. Those figures and the info the OP has given indicate to me that the guests are footing the bill for the entire wedding, from dress to ceremony to photographer to reception and accommodation.

Have you asked her outright, OP, if this is the case? If it is, then to ask for a present on top is little short of crass.

AnneLovesGilbert · 20/06/2019 22:50

She could have got married for £250. For £500 she could have bought her family a nice meal.

Cheeky mare.

Get them a card. A cheap one. No bloody present.

fargo123 · 20/06/2019 23:07

These people are definitely CF's.

Rachel is emotionally manipulating people because of her illness. I have several friends and family members who have gone into remission after severe illnesses, and not a single one has ever tried to pull a stunt like this. But then, decent people don't.

Even if only half of the £250 is for the actual wedding (and the rest for accommodation), it is still completely unacceptable to expect your guests to fund your wedding. And then to blatantly ask for presents too? It just pushes them into a higher bracket of CF.

I absolutely would not pay £250, nor would I buy a present either. Either have the wedding you can afford, or don't have one at all.

carly2803 · 20/06/2019 23:08

wow thats so so cheeky of her!

i mean, fair play - she has her wedding paid for and a bit over but FML! 17k is rediculous! plus gifts

livefornaps · 20/06/2019 23:21

Mate - no present. Just presence. Peace.

Bluerussian · 20/06/2019 23:24

You surely don't have to stay the night in an expensive hotel, a cheaper b&b would suffice. It wouldn't be out of order for you to say you want to come to the wedding but would prefer to organise your own accommodation because of the cost. Your friend would understand.

None of the guests had to agree to paying for their place at the wedding, they had a choice and could have declined.

It's not unusual nowadays for bride and groom to give details of the wedding list well in advance. The list means guests can pick something they can afford - a couple of bits from a dinner service, a duvet set or whatever. Another common practice is for people who already have their home to ask for donations towards honeymoon. It may sound cheeky but it's the way things are done now. Also 'no boxed gifts' in small print on the invitation, which means they would prefer a cheque.

In your position, I'd keep the expense down by staying somewhere cheaper and, as I suggested earlier on, put a £50 note in a wedding card - or send them a cheque in advance. That' generous enough and I'm sure they'd be delighted.

hibbledibble · 20/06/2019 23:34

Wow, yes, it is unbelievably cheeky.

Being ill isn't an excuse for being rude.

If she can't afford a big party, then she shouldn't have one. She could get married for next to nothing by going to a registry office, then hiring a hall or even having a picnic. She could ask guests to bring dishes if she can't afford catering.

Having a posh wedding you at the expense of guests is not on. Doing that, then asking for gifts on top is incredibly cheeky. Tbh I am shocked that many are going

hibbledibble · 20/06/2019 23:38

Op, I would also consider asking for this thread to be deleted, as it may well turn into a daily mail article.

RLOU30 · 20/06/2019 23:45

Op, I would also consider asking for this thread to be deleted, as it may well turn into a daily mail article.

Absolutely it will!

PepsiLola · 20/06/2019 23:50

I would give her a card with a donation voucher that you'd contributed to a cancer charity!

Grabby asking for gifts knowing the cost everyone has paid without outfits etc

SandAndSea · 20/06/2019 23:56

I think going to the wedding, with all of the costs involved, is enough of a present in this case.

To be fair... could it be that the couple have had people asking about gifts so, like a lot of people, they've just put that request in to cover all bases? Maybe some people who received it won't go and will appreciate having a list? Maybe it doesn't mean that the couple expect a present as well? (I might be clutching at straws.)

dodgeballchamp · 21/06/2019 00:11

Wtf! Cancer or not this woman is a grabby cunt. Can’t afford a big wedding? Don’t have one then! If I received an invite of this nature I would decline and let the friend know exactly what I thought of them asking people to pay to attend their wedding AND asking for a gift! Unbelievable. I don’t think I’d want to continue a friendship with someone so entitled

Redshoesandtheblues · 21/06/2019 00:32

Ooof.
I get the ' let's all chip in ' bit to give friend a spectacular day, that she and her partner could not afford.

But....gift lust on top?
That is cringeworthy territory.

MyNameIsRachelAndIWantAPresent · 21/06/2019 00:37

Oh no! I'm so hurt. You need to buy me a bigger present to apologise.

Orangeballon · 21/06/2019 00:47

Mumsnet never fails to shock me. No wonder Daily Mail patrols it for news articles.

TheTittefers · 21/06/2019 00:59

I would say she has done a deal with the hotel to have it for exclusive use, ie all the rooms have to be paid for, and her way of having a dream wedding is to add it all up and divide out the costs. How many bedrooms does the hotel have? Is it a Saturday in the next few months?

Kisskiss · 21/06/2019 01:07

No present, you are funding the wedding , which is kind enough!

PregnantSea · 21/06/2019 02:15

Are all of your friends rich? I'm amazed that 70 people have paid £250 each to attend a wedding. That's madness. And she hasn't even donated any if it to charity. What a CF.

MissLadyM · 21/06/2019 02:22

Will she make a miraculous recovery?

alwayscrashinginthesamecar1 · 21/06/2019 02:37

Am I the only one would pay 250 quid not to attend a wedding? I wouldn't attend this one for all the tea in China! This is Olympic level cheekyfuckery, illness or not!

NoIDontWatchLoveIsland · 21/06/2019 05:14

CF. On 2 grounds

  1. £250 per person... as others have said,I'm willing to bet this is package agreed with hotel with a price she has simply divved up among guests. You aren't "Just paying for your accommodation" unless this is the fanciest bloody hotel in England. If it is she is a CF if she can't afford the wedding but has chosen an obviously high prices venue.
  2. I don't have an issue with people sharing a gift list normally. But it's unusual where the guests are contributing & the bare faced cheeky fuckery here is asking people to buy. The standard is to say "gifts are absolutely not expected but if you are determined to get one and want ideas, we have a list of things that would be really useful" etc.
Monty27 · 21/06/2019 05:23

I wouldn't be paying someone to attend their wedding as a guest. No way.
The present dilemma is irrelevant imho.

Pinkprincess1978 · 21/06/2019 06:37

Years ago we had friends who wanted to get married but couldn't afford it. We suggested they get married simply and just went for a meal and asked people if they wouldn't mind paying for their own meals instead of a present.

It worked really well, they organised a meal at s local hotel and we paid £15 each for two courses and their wedding cake was dessert.

I think we still bought a small gift but it wasn't expected.

There is no way a night away for two with food should cost as much as £500 so you are likely funding more than just a meal so yes I think it likely you are all paying for the wedding. I would check the cost of a night and you then have a good idea how much you are contributing to the wedding.

No matter how much you are paying towards whether it just be a meal or drinks and evening buffet you are paying towards the wedding and do a gift, especially one from a list is not necessary and anyone asking is cheeky.

IceCreamAndCandyfloss · 21/06/2019 07:29

No, I wouldn't be going much less buying a gift. It costs less than £200 to book the registry office to get married.

Id be rethinking my friendship if this happened. Taking advantage of people by using the sick card isn't classy.

tenlittlecygnets · 21/06/2019 08:38

WTF? If she had wanted her friends at her weding she could have got married at a register office then booked a table at a local pub afterwards.

She is a CF.

No present from me, and I wouldn't have funded her wedding either.