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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not buy wedding present?

155 replies

Breakaplate · 20/06/2019 18:37

Back story : grew up in a quaint town which has been overtaken with second home owners and most local kids have been priced out. Moved to nearest city 60 miles away.
BFF has been ill and had a horrid time lately but thankfully recovered and is now well. Due to illness she has decided to get married sooner than initially planned and sent everyone a letter explaining that she would love to have everyone with her but because of the illness she can't pay for the wedding. She said she didn't mind if we couldn't come but would love it if we did, but to come would cost £250per person (not including outfits or childcare as its a child free wedding) as it's back at our gorgeous home town church so need to stay the night (includeds wedding breakfast and following days breakfast)
Because she has been so poorly most of her friends have agreed and there are about 70 people who have paid to go at the end of July.
This morning I received a wedding list with a note saying
'we value every gift you give but if you could buy something from the list below then you will know we will treasure it forever'
I hadn't planned to give a gift at all, I really don't mind paying the £500 as it was spoken about in advance but to give a gift as well???
I NC but have just re read my thread and if you know me it's obvious who I am. Rachel if you are reading then yes it's about you, I hope you are not (not yet ttc so hopefully blissfully unaware of MN) I will accept the MN hive opinion so you may or may not get a gift.

OP posts:
eighteenandaching · 21/06/2019 08:50

No, no gift. If you feel well disposed to her at this stage, then a small personal gift for her on her wedding day (CD, book, perfume and a card). But I'm not sure i would feel well disposed to her after the gift list.

I'm afraid I agree with the others who say she could have thrown a lovely wedding for close friends and family for next to nothing. To begin I thought the illness was a pass, but I've been in the same position as your friend and I'm just not sure it's cricket. Sorry.

HollowTalk · 21/06/2019 08:56

£500 for you both to attend a wedding! I would ask the hotel how much the rooms cost and how much dinner is.

Berthatydfil · 21/06/2019 09:09

You are paying for the wedding package ie the room, decor, flowers, table centres cake stand maybe even the cake, your food and wine etc.
That’s cf of the highest order. Lots of people can’t have the wedding of their dreams because they can’t afford it, instead they compromise on venue, no of guests etc. What they don’t do is charge their friends for it and then on top expect a gift.

thecatsthecats · 21/06/2019 09:25

I guarantee this bride and groom will have people telling them 'oh, but people usually spend that much, it's how much you spend, isn't it, people will do it for a wedding.'

Thus perpetuating the whole ridiculousness.

AppleDump · 21/06/2019 09:40

My friend got married last year and one of the venues she looked at was on the basis that the whole venue was booked including rooms. So if anyone backed out of paying for a room they would shoulder the cost if no replacement was found.

It was stunning yet overly priced and my DF decided against it as it didn't sit well with her or her DB and she said it looks like her guests are contributing to 'their' day! In reality I had to agree.

As others have said if marriage is so important book the next available date (usually 3 weeks) in a registry office.

AppleDump · 21/06/2019 09:48

Also, can they not get married
Mid/week or on a Sunday? I'm sure 'good friends' would take a days holiday to be there.

Owlbert · 21/06/2019 11:00

YANBU card and a bottle of fizz or a token gift if you are feeling generous! Ridiculously cheeky to ask after the amount you have already forked out!

Nesssie · 21/06/2019 11:02

Shes not even ill anymore ffs What a CF

Puzzledandpissedoff · 21/06/2019 11:06

There is no way a night away for two with food should cost as much as £500 ... so yes I think it likely you are all paying for the wedding

I'm inclined to agree. To be fair there are places which charge that much, but then why book somewhere like that in the first place if you only have a modest budget?

FWIW I wouldn't suggest the other extreme of a register office and a picnic either, but that still leaves plenty of in-between options

TigerJoy · 21/06/2019 11:28

No need to get a gift. Whether she's a CF or not you're happy with the arrangement - or rather were, until you got the gift list.

Trust your gut, and don't get anything.

I went to a wedding last year that cost me £1k including travel, accommodation and attending the hen night (to be £200 was on a new dress and hat). I didn't buy a gift as the bride and groom appreciated everyone was travelling to an expensive city (no cheap hotel options) and explicitly said no need for gifts - our presence was the present etc.

OralBElectricToothbrush · 21/06/2019 12:39

Wow, you lot are mugs. I wouldn't have gone, but definitely wouldn't give her a gift on top of that. Grabby cow! Card only.

Original poster
Breakaplate · 21/06/2019 15:15

Thank you everyone. I just felt bad about not taking a gift. I'm going to do what a pp said and give a card and make a donation to Cancer Research. Then I don't feel like a tight arse but also haven't given her any more. Thank you

OP posts:
HollowTalk · 21/06/2019 17:33

I would want to know if she's made a profit on this wedding. Can you see on the website how much it would cost to stay and eat there?

Monty27 · 22/06/2019 03:48

OP are you still going to go? I wouldn't. Greedy gits Angry

imnotcheryl · 22/06/2019 03:57

Holy shit. She could've had a much cheaper wedding! And to give a gift list on top Shock total cheeky fuckery, Rachel.

CornerofUpandDown · 22/06/2019 05:37

She's a CFer because she said pay up or you aren't going and then sprang the gift list on you all.

Isn't the £££ as a gift calculation based on the amount the meals cost? As you are paying for your own meals it is ridiculous for her to expect even more from you all.

Don't give her a gift and if you feel like you must make it a token gift. Weddings bring it the worst in people, don't feed the grabbyness more than you already have!

IAmAlwaysLikeThis · 22/06/2019 05:45

That is extremely cheeky of her. She's playing you all for fools.

I live in a country where guests essentially give money to the couple to pay for the wedding but it's like 30 to 50 quid each, which basically covers the meal. Close relatives might pay a bit more, like 100 but it's basically all reciprocal in the end, not a hand-out.

IAmAlwaysLikeThis · 22/06/2019 05:49

I'm just amazed people like this exist.

What a fool I am going through life working and saving when I could just hold my hand out.

Apparently people are gullible enough to share their money.

Jemima232 · 22/06/2019 15:24

I really must have a renewal of vows ceremony...…….

Ihatehashtags · 22/06/2019 21:22

Rude! I also hate it when people ask for money. Yes sure I’d love to give you money to blow in Las Vegas. Honestly

annabelle1992 · 22/06/2019 21:28

No gift necessary. If you don't want to turn up empty handed get a token gift like a nice picture frame with meaningful pictures.

Sewrainbow · 22/06/2019 21:56

If you have justified the money and want to go, then fine. I wouldn't get a gift only a card. I wouldn't explain either. If she brings it up she is extremely rude, illness or no illness...

GetMeOffThisCycleOfMysery · 23/06/2019 00:48

I think she's a CF of the highest order, sorry OP.

You and her friends and family that are attending are generous enough to stump up what is an obscene amount of money, and to expect a gift on top is both grabby and in poor taste.

I recently lost my mum to alcoholism and her insurance wouldn't pay out. I was totally up shit creek and ill with worry. After exhausting every option and at the suggestion of some friends, I reluctantly set up a Go Fund Me. My amazing friends and family raised £3.2k in 46 hours. I can't tell you how grateful and humbled I was. The service was fairly basic, but not a pauper's funeral. We of course laid on a lovely (but not expensive) wake with good food for everyone and thanked everyone as part of the eulogy for their generosity. We requested no donations or flowers in lieu of this fact.

Your situation is similar, you've helped someone you care about in a time of need and that should be that.

She should have planned a cheaper wedding so that people who care about her, who don't have a spare £500 knocking about could celebrate her day with her.

This is icky. Sorry.

WombOfOnesOwn · 23/06/2019 01:36

How super confident are you that the cancer was genuine? Were there asks for money involved during treatment and such too? "send me on vacation to Honolulu since I might not make it," sort of thing?

I only ask because the ONE time I ever saw a bride get her wedding funded like this, she was a literal cancer faker, infamous on some Facebook groups for going incredibly far to make people believe her lies. Any neutral observer could see that her wedding was done on the cheap, too, and that she was turning a profit on the whole thing. Pity the groom.

CSIblonde · 23/06/2019 01:48

Sounds to me like guests are covering the cost of church, reception venue, flowers & cars. Ridiculous amount. Even if she's really ill, that's not on. You don't need to have an expensive day, you cut your cloth accordingly, not get friends to pay for what you can't afford.