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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Are they expecting lunch?

369 replies

PedroThePonyCowboy · 20/06/2019 14:55

Fil and step mil ask to visit to see dc, we don't invite them. They stay for about three hours and aren't that helpful/ hands on. They always say they will arrive at 12 o clock. Are they expecting lunch?

OP posts:
hollip0pz · 20/06/2019 16:01

Maybe my family is weird but none of us ask "permission" to visit one another... I think it's lovely your FiL and Step-MiL want to visit their Grandchildren. If they aren't used to being around children then the "safety issues" probably don't even cross their mind, I would think the more you remind them/the more time they spend with your children they will adjust.

mbosnz · 20/06/2019 16:02

Hang on, is DH there? Because it doesn't sound like a terribly warm and friendly relationship, nor like there's any effort beyond coming to view the grandchild being made to have a relationship with the family. I'd be feeling a tad put upon too, if DH isn't there. It's his family to put up with, not hers. I'd not be all sweetness and light either, in that case. I'd be feeling a bit used - there's not even any reciprocal hospitality?

DontDribbleOnTheCarpet · 20/06/2019 16:02

Your husband seems strangely absent from all of this. Where is he when they visit? Is your MIL still alive and if so, how is your relationship with her? How is your husband's relationship with his father generally and does he get on with the stepmother? Will typing endless questions distract me until I forget that I'm supposed to be reading VAT regulations?
Usually I say it's up to each spouse to manage their own parents, but I have to admit to utter hypocrisy since MrCarpet manages all contact with mine these days, because he has the hide of a rhino and can more effectively ignore them.

FiveShelties · 20/06/2019 16:02

Why don't you just ring and say you will visit them this time?

Cherrysoup · 20/06/2019 16:03

So tell DH to tell them you're coming over to theirs. As they just invite themselves over, do the same back. Alternatively, tell them the timing is poor and they can come at 3pm as you are busy until then or whatever time you fancy.

wink1970 · 20/06/2019 16:04

How strange!

Next time, say "why don't I come to you?" ......

Dontstepinthecowpat · 20/06/2019 16:05

When your DC grows up hopefully they will meet a DP just like you...

Original poster
PedroThePonyCowboy · 20/06/2019 16:05

Bluntness100 not sure, dh isn't invited round, and neither arw his siblings. I don't think step mil wants guests at her house that arnt her blood relatives most likely. I have been invited to Mil's house lots, family gatherings with DH's siblings like at Christmas are always at Mil's house. Never once has dh been invited to his fathers house for Christmas in the 20 years he has been with step mil. Fil would just visit our house alone for an hour sometime around Christmas. If there was ever a family gathering with DH's siblings and fil once in a blue moon it was at a restaurant or more likely at DH's aunts (fil's sister) house. There has never been one at fil's house.

OP posts:
cuppycakey · 20/06/2019 16:08

Once a month doesn't sound unreasonable does it? Confused

Or are you saying this is actually a DH problem because you cannot trust him to supervise your DC adequately if you aren't there? If that is the case, you need to sort that sharpish or you would never be apart from the DC!

sweeneytoddsrazor · 20/06/2019 16:09

Do you have any other visitors?

Tooner · 20/06/2019 16:12

I think they have a bloody cheek expecting to turn up at your house whenever they feel like it but you're not allowed to go to theirs. Anyone who doesn't allow me in their house would not be allowed in mine.
I would bright and breezily reply to the text saying 'Hi we would prefer to come and visit you this time around, what time will be convenient'
Chuck the ball right in their court.

Hahaha88 · 20/06/2019 16:13

Please stop moaning. It's lunch for two extra adults, it's not a dinner party for 20! Either suck it up or just say actually could we make it 2? Or there's this lovely pub I fancy why don't we go there? They probably think to themselve " in 10 years Dil has never once invited herself over" as cjesekt they are the kind who think inviting yourself round is done rather than waiting (pointlessly in their case) for an invite.

stucknoue · 20/06/2019 16:13

Just tell them you have something on and you will be home by 2

Justathinslice · 20/06/2019 16:14

Dear me, they are your child's grandparents. Give them lunch, be welcoming....

HardofCleaning · 20/06/2019 16:15

I would just give them a casual lunch. I'm sure it doesn't have to be a five course menu with paired wines! Or if it's not convenient that day say you're not available but perhaps X time at Y place would be better?

BiscuitDrama · 20/06/2019 16:16

Is the problem that you are left to make lunch, watch toddler and make polite conversation too?
Ie, as asked above, what is DH doing? Why is it so stressful with two adults to watch one child?

Gustavo1 · 20/06/2019 16:18

I would say, related or not, if you don’t want visitors then you don’t have to have them. When they say they will come, you say that you’re busy. However, if DH is interested in seeing them, you need to ensure he take the lead. If they text you, forward it to him and ask him to reply. If they are determined to come at a lunch time, send DH to buy some bits that he can prepare. That way you can sit and supervise DS with the hot drinks etc. You don’t need to do anything other than be polite and make small talk.

Ragwort · 20/06/2019 16:18

Why isn’t your DH dealing with this, surely he can contact his dad and say ‘please come at 3pm, that’s more convenient for us’, or he can make a plate of sandwiches, or he can just say ‘love to see you, we’ll come to you for a change’ .... are they honestly going to refuse him permission to visit Confused.

Isatis · 20/06/2019 16:18

I would prefer they didn't come at lunch time, but they pick the time. They never ask when is convenient for us. Would it be better if I told them lunchtime isn't convenient?

Well, yes. It's a no-brainer. They can't assume that, just because they want to come round at 12 on (say) Saturday, you don't have other plans. Don't make excuses, use the time-honoured "Sorry, that doesn't work for us" and say that 2 pm (or next week or whatever) would be better.

eddielizzard · 20/06/2019 16:19

Get bread and soup next time. A light, healthy lunch.

Itwouldtakemuchmorethanthis · 20/06/2019 16:21

Tell them when you want to visit and invite yourselves round to their house. Sit back and see what happens. You can enjoy your life if you approach things differently.

speakout · 20/06/2019 16:24

I don't get the problem.

OHs parents come to see ( lets face it mostly him and the kids)- your job is to smile, have a G&T and eat the lunch that OH has prepared for his family.

Seems fairly easy.

Greysparkles · 20/06/2019 16:25

So many situations could be resolved if people just spoke to each other!!

Just tell them to come after lunch. Jeeze

notacooldad · 20/06/2019 16:27

If it was your best friend coming round at noon would you be as salty and grumpy about putting some soup and sandwiches together for a light lunch?

12--3pm is awkward time, as OP may want to take kids out
Indeed,but I'm assuming they are not coming around 7 days a week at 12. Is it so hard to say, actually I'm going out with the kids then. Do you fancy coming along?
I think theres more at play here and I'm sure she would have a different tune if it was her parents. Its usually the case on these threads.

Starlight2004 · 20/06/2019 16:27

You don't have to prepare lunch while keeping them happy and wrestling with a active toddler, just make a few sandwiches the night before or get some pre made and put out for them arriving. I do think you should make them feel welcome and it's normal to eat between 12-3. Otherwise simply ask if they can come at a different time or suggest that you go to them instead. You're not powerless in this situation.

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