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AIBU?

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Original poster

Are they expecting lunch?

369 replies

PedroThePonyCowboy · 20/06/2019 14:55

Fil and step mil ask to visit to see dc, we don't invite them. They stay for about three hours and aren't that helpful/ hands on. They always say they will arrive at 12 o clock. Are they expecting lunch?

OP posts:
ifonly4 · 20/06/2019 15:38

Friends are different, but from my experience family aren't very helpful with dc, in the kitchen or even keeping you company while you're cooking (and funnily enough if they are helpful, they're a complete gem!!).

I think you have to take control of this if you're not happy. Next time, tell them that doesn't suit you and say 10am or 2pm, invite them instead giving them a time, or if you feel obliged to give them food and you really don't want to, keep it really simple and don't offer loads, ie just make a round of sandwiches each. They might go earlier if they're hungry or ask to come a different time next time!! Of course, if you don't normally have lunch then don't bother!

honeygirlz · 20/06/2019 15:38

DontDribbleOnTheCarpet they are like that, expected to be waited on. With a very active toddler to deal with, and keep the house tidy for all the inlaws visiting it gets annoying. Also not too keen on fil he is the type on man that always puts people down in a jokey way

Tell them to come on a day when DH is there and he can make them lunch and wait on them hand and foot. Not your job.

RosaWaiting · 20/06/2019 15:39

OP if neither you nor your DH would choose to invite them, then it's a whole different thing.

what does he want to do about it?

EarlGreyOfTwinings · 20/06/2019 15:39

Of course tell them if it's not convenient. You can make-up something if it's easier, that you won't be back home until say 3pm.

If you don't tell them, how could they guess?

You could also invite them at a time convenient to you so they wouldn't need to have to make the first move.

TruffleShuffles · 20/06/2019 15:39

I’m still not understanding why they need to be helpful? Surely if they weren’t there you would still need to be looking after your children and making lunch for you all, a couple of extra sandwiches won’t make a difference.

If 12 isn’t convenient then say what time would be better for you and go from there, you seem to be making and issue out of something that is a completely normal scenario.

MissConductUS · 20/06/2019 15:40

I find it cheeky inviting yourself and not asking what time is best.

It's extremely cheeky. Tell them to pick up a take away if they want to come at noon. Otherwise tell them to come much later.

cuppycakey · 20/06/2019 15:40

OP you are drip feeding. What is the actual problem?

You don't like FIL - OK
You don't like house guests - totally understood
They are not engaging with DC? - Why not? Do they not play with them at all? Confused

How far away do they live?

How often are these visits?

How often do you/DH visit them?

Why don't you leave DH to it when they visit if you find it stressful? Go and get your hair/nails done. Go for lunch with mates/to the gym/to the pub Grin

honeygirlz · 20/06/2019 15:41

If it was your best friend coming round at noon would you be as salty and grumpy about putting some soup and sandwiches together for a light lunch?

12--3pm is awkward time, as OP may want to take kids out.

PIL should arrange visits with their son.

Heyha · 20/06/2019 15:41

Everyone in our family knows that if they come to us around lunchtime it'll be nice bread, meat, cheese, salads straight from the shop put out that you help yourself to. Easy peasy, don't make life difficult for yourself. Doing that is way easier than going out! Cup of tea on arrival, catch-up, play with DC for a bit, lunch, pleasantries, depart.

yearinyearout · 20/06/2019 15:41

In your position I would just respond with "tomorrow is fine, but can you come over at 2 as we're busy until then". I'd bake a cake/buy some nice biscuits to have with a cup of tea.

ChicCroissant · 20/06/2019 15:42

It's not them, it's you from what you've said OP.

You won't ask them, or tell them a better time. What are you expecting them to do here?

NoSauce · 20/06/2019 15:42

It’s only rude because you’re letting them come at lunchtime. Say no that time doesn’t suit if you don’t want to make them lunch. Or get your husband to do it. Don’t have a face on though if you’re not going to do anything about it!

honeygirlz · 20/06/2019 15:42

How often are they doing this, OP? And are they picking days when DH is not there?

Bluerussian · 20/06/2019 15:44

Yes, they will expect lunch unless they bring their own or suggest going out for a bite.

Honestly! You're coming over as rather mean. Surely you all have lunch during that time?

As for suggesting they come at a different time, you wouldn't want them early morning and later on it's likely to be tea or supper time.

I don't understand you op. Hospitality is important and isn't asked of you every day.

honeygirlz · 20/06/2019 15:44

@Heyha

Everyone in our family knows that if they come to us around lunchtime it'll be nice bread, meat, cheese, salads straight from the shop put out that you help yourself to. Easy peasy, don't make life difficult for yourself. Doing that is way easier than going out! Cup of tea on arrival, catch-up, play with DC for a bit, lunch, pleasantries, depart.

Are you for real? So OP is supposed to stock up expensive meat, cheese and salads to cater for CFs to eat at her house?

OP's not making things difficult, PIL are!

DarlingNikita · 20/06/2019 15:44

What does your DH say?

And yes, they're expecting lunch and yes, if you don't want to give them lunch, you (well, DH) can tell them 'No, that doesn't work for us, how about you come round at about xpm?'

Original poster
PedroThePonyCowboy · 20/06/2019 15:45

Before dc they never visited. After dc they visited three to four times in the whole year. Now they are retired they want to visit once a month.

Their lack of safety means I need to be keeping an eye on them which is annoying.
I don't like fil's attitude where he constantly jokes and belittles people.
They live an hour away by car.
We aren't allowed to go to their house, in the 10 years I have been with dh I have never been to their house.

OP posts:
Passthecherrycoke · 20/06/2019 15:45

What does your 18 month old do that’s so active you need to attend to them constantly and can’t make lunch? Surely you make yourself and your toddler lunch?

It’s obvious you don’t like your in laws but sometimes you just need to suck things up you don’t enjoy as part of life. Not enjoying guests or wanting to make people lunch is a bit bizarre, I think you have to force yourself to do these things to not appear completely rude and bonkers

sweeneytoddsrazor · 20/06/2019 15:46

My family and friends can turn up to visit when they like. If the house is a mess tough they come to see me not how tidy it is. All visitors get offered something to eat and drink. What that might be varies on what time it is. If I was going out I would tell them and they would come back another time. If I was expecting other guests it would just turn into a bigger gathering. It really isnt difficult to be hospitable.

blackteasplease · 20/06/2019 15:48

Yes they are cheeky. But you have the power to say "no that time isn't convenient " and/ or "come at 2 instead".

Mainly though this should all be arranged with your DH not you and he should be thinking about lunch. If you FIL is putting you down DH needs to speak to.him.

This isn't just a lunch issue

mbosnz · 20/06/2019 15:48

You are not 'allowed' to go to their house? Riiight. . . so not a particularly 'close' relationship then?

And critical question - is DH there for these visits, or are you having to hold the fort alone, also including ensuring that DC is not scalded or otherwise harmed in the making of this grandparental moment?

Tucobenedicto · 20/06/2019 15:49

Omg you have one toddler and you would think you were running a nursery...are you trying to say you can't make a pot of tea and have some sandwiches pre-made ....you sound as if it's a major drama having 2 adults round to see their grandchild...think yourself lucky they want to see him...

sweeneytoddsrazor · 20/06/2019 15:49

Once a month for 3 hours should be an absolute breeze.

Campurp · 20/06/2019 15:50

I do find it bizarre that in 10 years you've never been to their home!
If they're so tone deaf that they don't realise they're being inconvenient, and you don't want/can't manage playing the hostess game, then ask them to bring some bits with them. When they call to say they're coming at 12 then ask them to pick up some bits from the local shop on the way in. They will soon get the picture

Otherwise tell them that the time doesn't suit you.

Jeezoh · 20/06/2019 15:50

You do know you are able to say “sorry, 12 is s tricky time, let’s make it 2pm etc”. Grow a pair!