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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Are they expecting lunch?

369 replies

PedroThePonyCowboy · 20/06/2019 14:55

Fil and step mil ask to visit to see dc, we don't invite them. They stay for about three hours and aren't that helpful/ hands on. They always say they will arrive at 12 o clock. Are they expecting lunch?

OP posts:
MadameButterface · 21/06/2019 23:23

Oh my god

How do people like this actually function?

Tell them to come at a different time not a mealtime

Or

Tell your dh to parent his child while you knock beans on toast up

I am not getting what is so hard here

If you wanted a thread just slagging your in laws off for being awful you should just have started one saying that

Do you often find yourself in this situation, where you are not communicating what you want effectively, then getting pissed off at the other person for not understanding what you have failed to communicate? If so maybe think about how you could address that

Jesus tonight

succeeding2019 · 21/06/2019 23:40

It's only food that ends up on the toilet after a few hours anyway. I think the real problem is you want to go to their house. Then again you sound like you don't like them so would you really visit them if they invited you ?

FishGingers · 22/06/2019 00:12

Will your DH be present during the visit?
Is he looking forward to seeing his parents?
Will he be looking after the DC during the visit?
I get it that you prepare the meal, but what does he do to help?

Teacher22 · 22/06/2019 05:25

Lunchtime is a standard time for people to arrive. Give them a sandwich if you don’t want to cook!

TigerTooth · 22/06/2019 07:44

Pizza in the oven, Arabic in the tea - job done🤣

Bluesheep8 · 22/06/2019 07:47

Just include the words AFTER LUNCH when you're arranging the next visit. Simple.

Karwomannghia · 22/06/2019 08:00

It’s obvious that some people agree with you but others would be fine with it. I’m of the latter camp and enjoy having people round. I would offer lunch and it wouldn’t be an issue.
I think you need to accept you don’t really like having people round, which is ok, but you won’t get everyone agreeing with you no matter how much you try to justify it. You also need to accept your FIL’s wife feels the same and doesn’t like people round to hers and maybe you’re actually quite similar!

DrinkSangriaInThePark · 22/06/2019 08:34

In Ireland, nobody would EVER call to visit without being forced to have, at the VERY least, tea and cake

So Father Ted was spot on?! Grin

100% spot on!!!

alig99 · 22/06/2019 09:05

I read the first 4 pages of this post and I'm amazed your PiL want to visit you (probably only because they want a relationship with their gc). I'm amazed you cant seem to cope with an active toddler, it's only one child for heavens sake. And of course you and their son could always suggest visiting them! You don't have to make a drama out of the situation and you could at least be a bit more hospitable.

thriftyhen · 22/06/2019 09:43

OP, I think you may be feeling overwhelmed with things at the moment. I suggest you stick with the arrangement that they come at 12 (changing it this time might be too stressful). You will all need to eat lunch so either prepare something the night before (eg shepherd’s pie, lasagne) to pop in the oven on the day or provide a cold lunch (eg bread, cheese, salad or some such variation). Your toddler is lively (my view on children & dogs is that if they are quiet they can be in the house, but if they start getting restless then it’s time to go out, even if it’s just in the garden for a bit), so after lunch go for a walk, show your in-laws the area where you live, go to a park, walk along footpaths, whatever you have near you. Let them know that they may need boots and a waterproof! Then decide what you want to do for their next visit. Talk to your DH about it and make a plan. If lunch at yours doesn’t work, choose the afternoon, morning, anything, or meet somewhere else (restaurant with a soft play area, country park, wherever you like going). They are visiting you so it should be on your terms. I never found my MIL very easy to get on with, but it did get easier over time and I think it’s important for grandchildren to have a relationship with their grandparents.

Jack80 · 22/06/2019 10:51

I would offer some sandwiches etc if they come around when you would do lunch.

Abuelan · 22/06/2019 11:10

Why don’t you invite them?
Come for coffee and cake at 3 is easy and you’re in control then.
Why have a problem in your life when there’s an easy solution. Take control !
Even better invite them give them the option of 2 dates...

goes like this
Would you like to visit on x/x/x @ 2.30 or x/x//x @ 3.00 it’s called a double bind and generally people will accept one!
Good luck

Yogurtcoveredricecake · 22/06/2019 11:36

Tell them to either come later for tea and cake or just make some sandwiches. Toddler under your feet? Strap them in the highchair. Tea on the floor? Pick it up and put it on a shelf. Rinse and repeat.

di2004 · 22/06/2019 12:05

Dont panic! Just make some sandwiches and fries .. something easy and simple to do. Something you can all eat!

Chill and relax, it’s only for 3 hours x

maras2 · 22/06/2019 12:46

dranksangria Grin
Don't forget the wrapped up (not really) leftovers and spare biscuits for said guests to take home.
Ah g'wan g'wan, we've plenty. Smile

tearinmybeer · 22/06/2019 16:29

DID THEY GET LUNCH IS THE HUSBAND ON FIRE IN A CORNER CRYING BECAUSE HE HAD TO MAKE A SANDWICH IS THE CHILD COVERED IN TEA I have to know

DoAllMeerkatsComeFromRussia · 22/06/2019 18:59
  1. Some people are uncomfortable about people visiting their homes. I am one. Your step MIL is another. I'm tempted to suggest that you may be a third. It's okay. We all have hang ups about things that other people think are weird but we need to be tolerant of others' hang ups too.
  2. They visit more now they are retired because they have the time to do so.
  3. They don't need to help out with DC as they are visitors not babysitters.
  4. Yes it is a pain having visitors you don't really like and hadn't invited but that is tough- welcome to the world of parenthood. This is when they all come out of the woodwork to have a relationship with your DC.
  5. As they live an hour away and want to be with you for around 3 hours, they'll be leaving at 3ish. Arriving at 3 would mean leaving at 6, which may well be a bit late for them. So make a light lunch that people can help themselves to and you can prepare in advance- sandwiches, salad, crisps: buffet/picnic type food. Leave it covered over in the kitchen and invite them in to help themselves. That way you won't need to leave them with DC while you prepare it.
  6. Try to chill out a bit sweetie. DC will be fine. Panicking about all the potential dangers of a situation is exhausting and stressful and you are not doing DC or you any favours by being so overly controlling of his environment.
Ginburee · 22/06/2019 20:23

I am sorry but I only got to page 10, life is too short for drip feeding on mumsnet.
You were not invited before they retired, things have maybe changed for them and they want to see family more.
I would love to know your husband's opinion on it all, is he allowed one OP as I suspect you might be a little high maintenance.

Ps, if you dont want step mil to put her tea on your expensive carpet then you need to challenge your toddler on thier behaviour as they will at some point trash that carpet.

LittleLongDog · 23/06/2019 12:58

@tearinmybeer speaking for us all!!!

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