Are they expecting lunch?

[PedroThePonyCowboy]

Fil and step mil ask to visit to see dc, we don't invite them. They stay for about three hours and aren't that helpful/ hands on. They always say they will arrive at 12 o clock. Are they expecting lunch?

How far have they come? And more importantly, how much do you like them/want to encourage visits? Do they come at weekends when you are both at home, or just when it's only you? If you are both there and you find them difficult, can you just leave your husband to deal with them?
I have relatives who just sit and expect everything to be fetched for them and I do find it annoying tbh. My parents say that they want to see my kids, but then they just ignore them and expect to be waited on (in this and so many other respects, they are sorely disappointed in me!) But I use working from home as a very convenient excuse to just not have visitors. When I was working from home and also running around after toddlers I'd have done actual physical harm to anyone who wafted in and expected lunch.

Doesn't matter what their expectations are and as the op is asking even if they want lunch at all it's doubtful she knows.

Op. Make a few sandwiches and put them out. Job done.

Unless there’s a back story and they are awful people I can’t see why you wouldn’t invite them occasionally.

Also, unless you’re unwell or struggling and it seems obvious you need help, why would they? It would be nice if they offered, but it’s not awful that they don’t.

My MIL is a nice enough lady, she’s not hands on, doesn’t help, but she loves us all in her way. She’s quite formal and usually waits for an invitation and has to stay over because of distance. I’m not always thrilled about it but I/we invite her fairly regularly because she’s DH’s mum and she likes to see us. Why wouldn’t I?

If 12pm doesn’t suit, suggest a bit later. Otherwise it’s surely no hardship for most people to make a few sandwiches or warm some soup and bread. Just be nice 😕.

Dc is 18 months old and is a very active handful. And I meant hands on with the dc, not asking them to hoover my house. I also hate guests at the best of times. I find it cheeky inviting yourself and not asking what time is best.

Don’t be so passive. Either ask them to come after lunch or invite them at a more convenient time. Or just be hospitable and feed them. In future take control by inviting them before they invite themselves.

So say 12 doesn’t work for you but you’d be delighted to see them after lunch at say 2:30, or whatever.

DontDribbleOnTheCarpet they are like that, expected to be waited on. With a very active toddler to deal with, and keep the house tidy for all the inlaws visiting it gets annoying. Also not too keen on fil he is the type on man that always puts people down in a jokey way

Yes unless they’re on some sort of fast, people generally eat sometime between 12pm and 3pm and it would be rather weird if they bought a packed lunch to your house. If that time isn’t convenient for you then say so and suggest they come AFTER LUNCH instead. Or just suck it up for your DH and DC buy some ready made sandwiches. I also don’t understand why you’d expect visitors to be ‘helpful’ when they’re only staying a few hours but maybe I’m missing something. Maybe they don’t want to interfere by being too ‘hands on’, who knows. Regardless this sounds like a lot of unnecessary fuss over a brief visit from the grandparents.

Then take rhe kid to see them instead.

"I find it cheeky inviting yourself and not asking what time is best."

I agree but you need to deal with that. Tell them what's convenient, on invite them yourself at a time that suits.

Good god you can make a few butties can't you? Perhaps you could preempt the unexpected visits by inviting them at a time that suits you rather than waiting for them to announce when they intend to visit.

Why don’t you invite them then, at a time that suits you?

And now we have it, you don’t like guests so would not willingly invite them, fair enough. They want a relationship with your children, which is completely normal. If you don’t want them in your house you need to facilitate them seeing them somewhere else. Invite yourself to their home, for example.

Well, you could suggest an alternative time, earlier or later, because that clashes with a previous commitment?

Then it's just tea and biccies?

Otherwise, if you decide to be a martyr to a cause, can I suggest a cooked chook, a salad, and some lovely fresh sourdough bread and butter? Which is bugger all effort, easy to get together while wrangling the 18 month old, pretending to listen to the witter and tastes good.

" I find it cheeky inviting yourself and not asking what time is best."

So don't let them!

I don't think it's cheeky for a parent to ask to visit.

But the answer doesn't have to be yes & the time needs to suit all parties.

With family I think it's perfectly ok to say "We'd like to come over to see you and the DC, maybe 12pm on Saturday for about 3 hours?".

... because they expect you to say "great, see you then" or "sorry, that doesn't work for us, could you come at 2?"

So I can't see why this is a problem. Unless they are saying "We are coming to see you, we will be there at 12, whether you like it or not".

Or do as Bluntness suggested and take the dc to them?

Well invite them then, at your convenience.

Or if you can’t cope with guests say you will take the Dc round there.

They are family. The grandparents.

Would it be better if I told them lunchtime isn't convenient?

Yes, I don't understand why you haven't done it already. Why not make it breezy, "You know what? Come after lunch and we have a nice relaxing afternoon together."

My in-laws do bring a packed lunch to my house, but that’s a whole other story.

And don't fash about the state of the house, let hurricane 18 month old rip. And totally ignore 'jokey' putdowns from FIL, after all, you know he's just being a prat.

Once gone, put toddler to bed, and feet up with glass of wine, and sigh with relief that hospo duty is in the rear view mirror, polishing your halo as you go.

Yes. Lunch is always expected.

"Which is bugger all effort, easy to get together while wrangling the 18 month old, pretending to listen to the witter and tastes good."

There's no need for Op to be wrangling & preparing food though.

There will be 2 Gps & a husband there as well.

Would it be better if I told them lunchtime isn't convenient?
Bloody hell, how do we know!!
If its not convient suggest another time but are you sure you are not saying it out of pettiness.
If it was your best friend coming round at noon would you be as salty and grumpy about putting some soup and sandwiches together for a light lunch?

Do you and Dh invite them over or do they feel like they have to come over to see the kids?

Isn't it rude to demand what time you arrive at someone's house when you have invited yourself? And then expect to me waited on hand and foot when the person has an active toddler. They also aren't very safety conscious when it comes to toddlers/ babies, like step mil will leave hot tea on my rug that dc is playing near, and I need to remind her to move it. So I need to keep an eye on them too which gets annoying