Are they expecting lunch?

[PedroThePonyCowboy]

Fil and step mil ask to visit to see dc, we don't invite them. They stay for about three hours and aren't that helpful/ hands on. They always say they will arrive at 12 o clock. Are they expecting lunch?

a few sandwiches a salad and a few picky bits out on the table isn't much more work than a usual lunchtime anyway

That's brilliant, sounds like something her DH might just be able to learn how to do! Excellent news all round :)

I can't imagine being rude to my family for no reason.

Blimey how hard is it to make a couple of sandwiches or bowl of pasta and pesto?

i think the main problem is, that OP is expected to do lunch, make tea and keep an eye on climbing toddler on top of it as the PiL wont keep on eye on DS so he won't hurt himself while climbing or reaching for hot drink which is on the carpet.

Blimey how hard is it to make a couple of sandwiches or bowl of pasta and pesto?

To her DH - quite literally impenetrable. He would choose death. There is no question.

"Blimey how hard is it to make a couple of sandwiches or bowl of pasta and pesto?"

I would say not hard at all, but it seems to be beyond Op's husband or ILs.

Not commenting in the particular scenario of this thread- but if anyone really can’t make themselves a sandwich because they have to supervise their 18 month old so closely, maybe it’s time to think about making changes - to the layout of your house, to your furniture , to your parenting- to something. Or you’ll end up exhausted and burnt out- which is no help to anyone.

Jaysus

In Ireland, nobody would EVER call to visit without being forced to have, at the VERY least, tea and cake... Probably sandwiches... Sometimes a full meal, even if they didn't arrive hungry! Even if you hated the people!!

I literally can't get over this hostility! Collect a rotisserie chicken from the supermarket, throw it on the table with bread rolls, coleslaw, olives, lettuce from a bag, tomatoes, salad bar stuff...

Happy days.

Good God Op, you’re hard work. Feed your family FFS. Grandparents don’t need to be
“hands on”. Just chill, serve a platter of sandwiches and allow your FIL to bond with his GC

You obviously don’t like them but from my point of view lunch would be a must and being well mannered

I'd go with something like "ok, house is a mess, we've had a tough week so I don't think I'll have a chance to sort it before then as I am exhausted running around after toddler, how about we go out somewhere for lunch nearby, we can meet you if that is easier?"

Hopefully gets you out of feeling like they're taking advantage & expecting to be waited on & maybe they'll realize that inviting themselves won't always be convenient & perhaps they'll factor that in next time. And hopefully they'll offer to pay!

Ultimately think this is your husbands issue to deal with though rather than yours.....

Good luck!

I can see both sides of this. It's a bit bonkers, but I think I understand. I think I'd make sandwiches and conveniently 'run out' of tea, coffee and milk. Then go to the -supermarket hairdressers for the remainder of their visit.

Why not just tell them it doesn't suit you???

@DrinkSangriaInThePark

Love your attitude!

I was raised the same way!

Obligated to eat or feed anyone who crosses our doorstep.

Dd just told me that her friends remembered her school end party from year 6 when they graduated.

Maybe I learned my lessons too well....

“In Ireland, nobody would EVER call to visit without being forced to have, at the VERY least, tea and cake”

The two main nationalities in my make up are Irish and Italian. I offer cups of tea to the postman.....

I meant that if we're visitors, we expect to be fed, hungry or not.

If you come to my house, expect full spread.

I expect my mother and grandmothers would rise from their graves if I did less!

Goodness this thread is frustrating OP. Lots of pp have said just reply "Arrive 1pm just after lunch." If you don't want to make them lunch. And are your lunches 3 course meals rather than a sandwich?

If hot tea is such a big deal, offer them cold drinks instead. Send them on their way once it's been a long enough visit if that's also bothering you. Really you can just pipe up and set what you want to happen.

But like many other PPs, I'm a little concerned about how helpless you describe yourself trying to manage your one toddler and the whole visit. I have 3DC, all busy, one was a phenomenal climber and into everything. So during a 2-3 hour visit, sandwiches take 10mins to make? Put kettle in at same time, multi task. Why would your DS be climbing on the table with 3 adults in the room to get that hot cup of tea? Why don't you remind MIL to put it up out of reach of toddler?

I agree with others, your DH should be home when they visit and let him sort it all out. Maybe you need to use the time to go have a lie down 😀 ( I get the impression that this is a bad week for you, their visit is impending and it'd do you more good to have a rest. Leave the ILs and DH to manage it all. )

1. You say they invite themselves, you also say that you don't ever invite them. So they have to invite themselves if they want to see you, you should try to see it as a positive that with the extra time retirement brings they are keen to nurture a relationship with their grandchild.

1. Toast. Bread in toaster. Butter and jam on table. Done.

"In Ireland, nobody would EVER call to visit without being forced to have, at the VERY least, tea and cake”

So Father Ted was spot on?!

OP, you need to get a grip on parenting your toddler. At 18 months, they are well past the age where you just say a sharp "NO" if they are doing something they shouldn't be. When/how else do you think they are going to learn this? I strongly, strongly suggest you read some toddler parenting books. The set-up you describe sounds like you are treating your 18 month okd as though they had the mental capacity of a 3 month old. They are WELL capable at 18 months of hearing NO and learning from it.

In another 30 years or so, if your child happens to have a child of their own, would you like like to think that you’d be welcome to visit, spend time with your grandchild, and maybe even share a meal with your child and their family?

Op you started off moaning about lunch, then when people didn’t sing to your tune you made it about your FIL’s house and sense of humour.
As for having a lively child - big deal, I have 4 of them but we’ve always had meals. I presume you feed yourself and your child lunch? Just do a bit more!
Yes, you have to keep an eye on young children - we all do! But we still function!

My sil is of the same poo in as op...it's miserable trying to try and build any relationship with her or kids ...bro calls over on his own...much nicer

Tell your DH to make them a sandwich.

I suspect they live in a shit hole if they never invite anyone round. You might take some comfort from that.

YANBU

It is rude for someone to just invite themselves over especially when they aren’t close to you (I suspect they do this as they don’t think you will invite them yourselves but that’s still not OK).

Also who comes to a house with a very active toddler expecting a meal and doesn’t help either prepare the meal, bring food with them or watch the child while the food is being made? So rude and ridiculous!

Could you feed yourself and DC at 11.30 and tell them that you thought they knew that was lunch time in your house when they arrive?
They might get the message if it isn’t offered.

I do think you wouldn’t be unreasonable to tell them a certain day or time doesn’t suit, make up other plans if need be.

Do they also invite themselves over like this to your DH’s siblings houses? Or is it just you two that get this honour?