Feeling uncomfortable about amount spent on classmates birthday party

[Worstparty]

I've name changed as basically I think this is very identifying as I can't imagine anyone else at all doing this... I'm keeping details obscure (sorry) because Daily Mail.

DS has been invited to a birthday party which I consider hugely (actually grossly) expensive. From what I can fathom the whole thing including 'party bags' is coming to a cost equivalent to a years school fees. We aren't at a 'destination' private school and most parents are fairly ordinary, although does include some 'rich, rich' families but I've never felt any huge difference between families.

How would you handle this? We are really not well off and the party is something we would do as a once a year holiday. I feel very uncomfortable as every other child's party is going to seem bad in comparison. My feeling is to explain to DS that we aren't as well off and wouldn't choose to spend our money like that. I feel like this amazing party is actually going to rob the joy from the whole class for the year.

I’m intrigued to what it could be that would cost that much for a kids party. However, my children have had fun at big parties as they have at ones in people’s homes with traditional party games. They just like being with their friends

That sounds awful. I just wouldn't go, to be honest.

the party is something we would do as a once a year holiday

Then do that.

So the party is costing a few thousand?

It depends what the party is really?

Five friends taken to Disney with iPads in party bags - YANBU

Camping trip with go karting for whole class with personalised momento in party bag - YABU

How old is your DS? Is he at an age where him and his peers would notice the cost?

Are they all going to Disneyland? I would just have other plans for that weekend.

If the children are going to have fun then I really don't see what the problem is.

As in you’re going to have to pay that to attend, or the cost for the family putting on the party is that? If the former, and you don’t have or want to spend the money then I would say that’s fine, if the latter I’m not sure ... every now and again I have come into a situation whereby I have socialised with “money” so to speak (e.g a nightout with a vip booth and non stop champagne with no cost to me) but that doesn’t stop me from enjoying when I go out to a bog standard pub and have a house glass of wine. Of course, I wish my life was always vIP booths and no bills but c’est la vie!! Therefore, if you think you could explain it as a one off opportunity that your DS would be mature enough to understand, and in future not compare or desire to repeat, then go!

How old is the child? My dd hasn’t questioned the cost or extravagance of parties but then they are all normal here!
I wouldn’t tell your child that “you wouldn’t choose to spend money like that” because your child could repeat this and it may get back to the parents.
I would just say X is very lucky to have an amazing party and change the subject.
I don’t think other kids will look bad compared, kids love any party and don’t compare like adults do!
I would say go and enjoy it and more fool them for spending ridiculous money! Don’t feel you have to compete because all the other parents will feel the same as you.

I wouldn't overthink it. In my experience, kids don't notice these things. As long as they're having fun, that's what they care about. I've both had and been to expensive & cheap parties - there is no difference in terms of the kids enjoyment. Everyone spends money differently and some have more than others - it doesn't make them better than anyone else - I'd focus on teaching your child that value and not worry about the kids perception of it... they honestly won't care how much the parents spent on it. How old are they out of interest?

Surely you just say 'Wow, isn't Tim lucky to have such a fab party, and isn't it lovely you all get to enjoy it. Don't go getting ideas though, we'll be doing our normal party in the park for you!'.

I'm thinking whole class going to Paulton's Park or similar.

So yes, explain to your DS that you aren’t as well off and don’t choose to spend your money like that.
If you’re not expected to fork out loads towards the party then just let him go and have fun.
So what if his birthday is just at pizza hut(or whatever)? Variety is the spice of life!

I think you're being ridiculous.
A chance for your child to do something you could only afford once a year, brilliant, your child gets to do it and you don't have to pay, be grateful.
Our child got to go to a brilliant party last year, I wouldn't have spent the kind of money they did but that was up to them. Never made anyone else's party seem less, that's you putting your ideas onto it, a child doesn't think like that.

I bet a lot of the parents are feeling the way you do.

Best idea I've heard of was my dgc..... All children brought a gently used book and took a different one home..dgc

Cost of the actual party ..... isn't anything you can do about that.

Are you actually paying for any of it?

If your DS is young enough to still be going to kids parties he is unlikely to overthink the cost. Even up to about 11 I didn't really think too much about how much things cost or appreciate the value of money. Kids will likely have great fun at any party where their friends are to be fair.

I'd go and enjoy the party but say to your DCs that you won't be able to do anything like the same for them. If other parents get sniffy about what party you give for your DC then maybe have a look again at the friendship when you're sending invites the year after.

The thing is, I don't think the relative difference in budget is going to make a comparable difference in pleasure for the children. Children often love simple things that don't have to cost much at all and there's no telling what memories are going to stick into adulthood about 'cool parties'.

I can remember two from my youth; one where we played the chocolate dress-up game and had to find the other half of a character we had been given in order to pair up with another child, and another where we had a disco and all did 'Oops Upside Your Head' on the floor together. One other memorable and brilliantly fun thing I did in my youth was an observation trail around our town, where we had to spot things and complete an answer sheet e.g. What style of pillars can be seen on 'X' House? They were Ionic, I remember that much. The point is... all these things cost very little to set up and remain in my memory as great and happy experiences.

I just wouldn't get bogged down in any ideas of one-upmanship.

Is it a party or a few days trip somewhere?

X-post mamalovebird

I think YABU. If its not costing you anything, why wouldn't you let your child go? If (and its very unlikely) he later compares another party, just explain all parties and families are different. Children just like to hang out with their friends and eat, they have no concept of money.

What is the actual party OP? I'm imagining something like taking the entire class to Legoland or something? I can imagine how you feel but if it's an ordinary school most kids won't be doing a similar party and it might not even turn out to be their favourite party they've been to. My DD's (Y1) class have had village halls, local attractions of all kinds and her favourite was a tea party at her friends house with just 6 of them. She still talks about it months later. I'm sure it cost no more than £100 but it seemed really magical and wasn't overwhelming. Even my DS (Y3) doesn't seem to notice the price of parties and definitely doesn't equate expensive with being the best (although I'm sure it will comes as they get older). is favourite party was a giant water fight in his friend's back garden followed by a treasure (sweet) hunt and a big cake.

I assume it’s a theme park or Harry Potter world or Lego land?

I wouldn’t say no, because your son wont understand why.

Just explain to him that most kids parties aren’t this extravagant, so not to expect it for everyone.

Come on then, what kind of party are we talking about?

I think some people are getting the wrong idea, it costs the amount of a holiday it doesn't mean they are going anywhere or that the OP has to pay to attend

I also think they must be mad if they're taking the whole class away somewhere. I'm always absolutely knackered after two hour parties I can't imagine an overnight - the horror!

Sounds like a brilliant thing for the children to experience tbh. Why deny them that just because you don’t want to compete (and agree you shouldn’t!)