Feeling uncomfortable about amount spent on classmates birthday party

[Worstparty]

I've name changed as basically I think this is very identifying as I can't imagine anyone else at all doing this... I'm keeping details obscure (sorry) because Daily Mail.

DS has been invited to a birthday party which I consider hugely (actually grossly) expensive. From what I can fathom the whole thing including 'party bags' is coming to a cost equivalent to a years school fees. We aren't at a 'destination' private school and most parents are fairly ordinary, although does include some 'rich, rich' families but I've never felt any huge difference between families.

How would you handle this? We are really not well off and the party is something we would do as a once a year holiday. I feel very uncomfortable as every other child's party is going to seem bad in comparison. My feeling is to explain to DS that we aren't as well off and wouldn't choose to spend our money like that. I feel like this amazing party is actually going to rob the joy from the whole class for the year.

Can you clarify what your actual problem with this is OP? I am a bit confused as to why it is upsetting you.

You come across as very competitive, talking about how other parties will look shit in comparison, and how this party being so amazing will take the shine of all the other parties.

I think you need to unclench a bit.

You're being ridiculous.

It sounds lovely and generous. The kids will have fun.

This sounds like reversed snobbery to me.

Life is full of people having more, move to a desert island if it's going to be too much for your dc to cope with.

What's to handle? Presumably you're not being asked to contribute?

My DC have been to some hugely expensive birthday parties (ones where the soft drink bill has been four figures, theming that would put a west end show to shame and party bags that have cost what I'd spend on my DCs main present)

In my experience enjoyment doesn't correlate with money spent. Their favourite parties are those of their closest friends whether it be a movie at home or a hired cinema with "live" movie characters characters providing in your seat food service

I think it's a bit crappy to so obviously resent something because it's out of your financial reach

Ditto this though!

Ditto from me as well.

Captaindobbin Thu 20-Jun-19 14:38:03
Taking 20 kids to legoland or Harry Potter could easily cost a years school fees if you add in expensive transport to get there, extravagant lunch and fancy party bags. I be The it’s one of the two. I’m dying to know! C’mon OP put us all out of our misery grin

I dont think it could , even at £100 per head its'only ' going to cost £2000, hardly a years school fees

I know the hotel they are staying in, and you are right it may be via a business contact. I honestly have no idea except I know how much it would cost us to do as a family. At no point have I mentioned ostracising the birthday child, I just wasn't sure how to handle it with my own child.

I'm not in a blind rage against people who have more than me. I'm fine conversing with the other parents and DS has been to some lovely and what i can only assume are expensive parties over the years. I'm not at the school gate shouting at children for not being in home-made knitted jumpers...

I'm going against the grain here and feel that less is more with these kinds of things. There is a kind of reciprocity in giving and how many of us would be happy to take a very extravagant gift, year after year, without giving something of similar value in return? If the child is at primary school there could be years of this, and I'm not so sure that children are so oblivious to who has how much money as is being stated on this thread. It would make me uncomfortable, partly because I think there are more deserving things to do with your money, and partly because people do notice when you don't reciprocate. Honestly not sure what I'd do, always look to avoid situations like these whenever possible.

I just don’t get your reasoning. You’d approve of a Hamleys party etc, but not Disney? Is there anything else on this arbitrary shit list of yours

I do get where you are coming from but I think children notice things like this less than we do

my best friend attended a child's party that was so lavish, it made her uncomfortable. She didn't know everything would be so full on till arrival.

however, the kids just play....though I suppose it depends on the age.

there are things you can say e.g. I have friends who have actually told people "don't spend so much money on Xmas, birthdays" etc because they don't want their DC seeing it as a norm.

I think one party is probably fine though and there is always that thing of mates' rates where it maybe cost a tenth of what you think it does.

So how many kids are they taking to Disneyland? Sounds hectic!

They probably have some contact there or group discount voucher, etc. But even if they don’t, why not? Sounds brilliant to me.

Just explain the your DS that he’s very lucky to have been invited and everyone does things differently.

A Disney party sounds fine to me, I think they'll all have a good time. I can't pretend to understand the op's pov, it's a fact of life that some people can afford more than others - and some less. None of that matters to the kids.

I wouldn't say anything to my child about the cost of the party, it's not something a child should be concerned with. It could also come over as somewhat self deprecating and snobbish. Children need to grow up treating everyone the same and not being in 'awe' of wealth which can be rather embarrassing.

You would be extremely selfish not to let your child enjoy this party. I'll never have a lot of money but that wouldn't stop me letting others enjoy theirs as they please.

“ guess there is a line for everyone right where you think it's too extravagant?”

And if your Ds was at a state school he would likely have friends whose parents would consider what you can provide for your Dd as ‘extravagant ‘.

You are either overthinking this whole thing, OP, or missing something in your own self awareness around it.

Oh I think you sound incredibly negative.

Ha. The 8 year old daughter of an expat friend of mine goes to an international school (courtesy of her company). There are some seriously wealthy families at the school, and some of the parties she's invited to involve kids who have their own bodyguards! So you can imagine the parties! My friend is on a very ordinary salary, but just thinks it's all hysterically funny. And her daughter has normal birthday parties at home that all the kids show every sign of enjoying.

Stop worrying

What did they actually do for £100k?

Birthday parties DC have been to that fall into this category:

Charlie and the chocolate factory themed where there were literally hundreds of actors in character, replicas if the machines and every inch of the venue was decorated with lolly pops and handmade sweets.

Private use of a theme park for the class with a goody bag containing pretty much every item from the gift shop.

A pool party where all the (girl) attendees were given matching swimwear, towels and beach bags, with water bottles, straw hats etc. The pool was decorated in a canopy of pink and white roses. They sleep over in bespoke teepees with patchwork quilts with their names embroidered on them and had a chef do a "camp site bbq breakfast" It was stunning.

Let your DC go and enjoy the party. He is unlikely to notice how much it costs. He won't notice that his own will cost less.

I'd just think my child was very lucky and take the opportunity.

When my oldest was in her last year at prep school, a girl in her year organised a leaving party at the Dorchester in London. Children driven there in stretch limos (45+ minutes drive!), professional photographer for the evening, multi course banquet, celebrity DJ. I couldn't actually let my daughter go in the end because 3 children didn't get invited and I'm a member of staff so couldn't be seen to support a leaving do that hadn't been inclusive. I did feel bad for my daughter though.

Hard to know when you don't give details op. Maybe just go and allow the kids to have fun times?

barbie222 I see your point but I don't think anyone throws a party and thinks they are giving a gift. (If they do they are knobheads of the finest order and therefore we don't care anyway!)

If the kids aren't oblivious, that's ok too. Life is full of people with more and less and that's a strong life lesson in itself.

Your the one with the issue and you need to deal with why....don't deprive your child of a fantastic time because you can't handle the cost involved. It sounds petty most parents would be really pleased that thier child has an opportunity to go.......did you have party's as a child?.......

Bluerussian - thank you for not personally attacking my character. I do clearly have an issue of my own around what is appropriate, which is nothing to do with what DS will enjoy.

I would never stop DS from experiencing 'wealth' because we aren't wealthy. He's gone to school in friends chauffeured car before which wasn't a problem for me. I guess I felt a little sad that they are doing EVERYTHING you possibly could do at Disney, some which I would have liked to do myself with him or we would probably save up to do over several trips. Again, I'm not a total misery so am not going to be mean and stop him having fun.

saraclara - clearly need to switch my sense of humour on!

I’d have no issue with my dc going to an extravagant party ... but I wouldn’t be keen on my primary aged child travelling abroad without me for a party.

Op, comparison is the thief of joy. And being envious over kids birthday parties is disturbing.

The kids will have fun and it won't detract from any one else's party. Kids that age don't care.

It's you that cares and you need to try to get control of your envy.

How will they get away with taking a bunch of kids that aren't their own through US customs?