Feeling uncomfortable about amount spent on classmates birthday party

[Worstparty]

I've name changed as basically I think this is very identifying as I can't imagine anyone else at all doing this... I'm keeping details obscure (sorry) because Daily Mail.

DS has been invited to a birthday party which I consider hugely (actually grossly) expensive. From what I can fathom the whole thing including 'party bags' is coming to a cost equivalent to a years school fees. We aren't at a 'destination' private school and most parents are fairly ordinary, although does include some 'rich, rich' families but I've never felt any huge difference between families.

How would you handle this? We are really not well off and the party is something we would do as a once a year holiday. I feel very uncomfortable as every other child's party is going to seem bad in comparison. My feeling is to explain to DS that we aren't as well off and wouldn't choose to spend our money like that. I feel like this amazing party is actually going to rob the joy from the whole class for the year.

Let them go. My dc are younger but they’ve been invited to parties at a soft play, parties at home and parties that cost significantly more at a private attraction. My dc have never asked for the same and are just happy to be invited.

What is the party?

I’m sure your son will understand it’s very much a one off, you don’t have to compete with that party.
Let him go and have a great time.

Send them and let them enjoy it - who are you to judge what other people spend. My kids are at a private school, we are most certainly at the ‘poorer’ end so they go to amazing party’s at some and village halls for others. Equal fun is had. I’d get over yourself and stop the angst if I were you.

If it isn't going to cost you anything, why worry? Your child will probably have a good time, it would be a shame to deny them that because you disapprove of the extravagance. Nobody is going to expect the same from you! Also you don't know the parents' reasons for putting on such a big do, they may have very good reasons which they are not going to share.

My sister in law has photographed parties that cost upwards of £100k so I can believe it?

What can you do? I mean, what were you thinking you can do? Maybe have a word with your child so they understand that people spend their money in different ways and that it doesn't mean anything.

Otherwise I'd send the child, let him have a marvellous time and get the child something sensibly priced and ideally environmentally friendly. Are parents invited because I'd be all over that like a rash!

What do you mean exactly 'how do I handle this'?

Either go or don't go, surely. I think it's a bit crappy to so obviously resent something because it's out of your financial reach.

Yes let your DS go, it'll be fun.

This doesn't set a trend and no-one is obliged to host a similar party.

They just happen to have money and want to do something extraordinary for their child and of course his friends, it's very generous of them.

Enjoy the fact you DS is invited and will have a hopefully a great time.

I think you should have more faith in the kids, yeah it may be a great treat but we all know kids, a week later and they move on. I don't think you need to have any discussion with your DS, -unless he said that's what I want to do next year.

You also never know what is actually happening behind the scenes, sounds a bit extreme to mention this, but I do know one family at moment where the mum has diagnosis with a current life expectation of less than 2 years, the kids don't know how bad things are, but mum is planning big time for xmas and birthdays this year as she knows it may be her last.

My sister in law has photographed parties that cost upwards of £100k so I can believe it?

What did they actually do for £100k? I always thought I was quite guilty of throwing money at birthday parties because I'm terrified of doing them myself but I've never gone above £500!

As long as it wasn't the whole class doing OTT parties I wouldn't worry about it OP. Like PP have said kids, at least in primary, are usually just happiest when they can run around and be wild for an hour or two. The only reason to spend money is so they're not being wild in your house (and someone else has to clear up the mess!). One girl did what was quite an expensive party (she rented out an entire cinema then a huge room in the restaurant and had a kind of entertainer and photographer there while the kids ate). It definitely wasn't their favourite party as they just wanted to run around and go a bit nuts.

why is op not responding? I am DYING to know what this party is.

Disneyland?
Legoland?
Harry Potter world?

Hilarious.

Do you have to pay to attend?
Is it a whole class activity?
How old is your child? Very young kids wouldn't know the price difference between a trip to Legoland and going to Disneyland Paris.
Is your child friends with the birthday child? If not, then it's fine to decline.
If your child isn't young then they will known hat different families have different budgets. They will know who has designer clothes, latest phones, most lavish holidays etc

We need more details on your discomfort. Is it because you feel pressured to increase his annual party budget?

Taking 20 kids to legoland or Harry Potter could easily cost a years school fees if you add in expensive transport to get there, extravagant lunch and fancy party bags. I be The it’s one of the two. I’m dying to know! C’mon OP put us all out of our misery

I'm imagining something out of "My Super Sweet Sixteen" now - I'm assuming your DC is primary school age if it's a whole class thing? Some of the parties on there were bonkers.

Are you hoping to be able to gossip about it here, with everyone going what is it??? Then you can say “oh go on then”.

If your kid wants to go then he can go. Surely that’s the only issue?

When your dc asks for a party you give him the options you can afford. Job done.

Are you concerned that your child will feel inadequate/embarrassed as he doesn’t come from wealth? I had a group of friends at school whose families were much more well off than mine (which wasn’t hard because we were dirt poor ) I think it benefited me actually. Raised my standards and instilled ambition. Not that money is the measure of happiness/success of course!

DD went to a sleepover party at Hamleys some years ago which must have cost many thousands (the child’s mum was having an affair with a very rich celeb businessman). Just let them enjoy it, you don’t needs to reciprocate, some people are very wealthy and like spending it.

What is there to handle?

I would be grateful my kids have all kind of friends and are lucky enough to be invited to something special and all kind of different parties. I would give the same gift to the birthday child than I would give to someone having a party at home costing them peanuts.

Why does everything need to be a competition?
Parents have money, or chose to spend money they don't have on their child. It's absolutely none of anyone's business. Be grateful yours is included.

The only one making it into a competition is parents like you frankly.

Depending on the age of the kids, they might not even think it's "all that" & it's more about the parents & what they want to do?

Don't deny your son if he'd enjoy it though.

As long as it doesn't cost you a fortune and that you feel your child will be safe at the party I don't see what the big deal is.

It would be unkind to the birthday boy and your son to stop him going due to your issues.

Kids won't think it's expensive even if the whole year go to Alton towers/Legoland/build a bear

If you at some point as a family go to a theme park they will think it's the SAME - it won't occur to them that the parents paid to take all the kids

I think we need more details to know if yabu but I suspect they may be identifying so can't be given. If the cost is your only worry then I don't get the worry. The cost is to the party throwers surely and none of your concern. If you are worried because it involves your child going away, abroad or overnight then that is a separate concern and I would decline. If the party involves something you don't want your child doing like skiing or something you consider dangerous or something you consider your child too young to participate in like a cocktail party, again I would just politely decline. But if are just objecting to the amount of money spent I don't get the gripe.

Depending on the age of the kids, they might not even think it's "all that" & it's more about the parents & what they want to do?

This. My 7 year old's class all wanted to have birthdays at home this year. It's a fairly well off school and the parents were all trying to convince the kid to have the party at the local trampolining place/farm to avoid the mess at home! If I suggested my DC take his entire class to Legoland for the weekend he'd probably say yes but I'm not sure he'd actually enjoy it more than a normal party in a village hall.

There will always been the haves and the have-nots.

It depends on how old the children are and how secure they are in themselves. I can't see not allowing him to go would be beneficial though as then he's being left out of a major outing.

It's a bit crass I guess, but you can't buy class.

Omg sleepover at hamleys is amazing