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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Feeling uncomfortable about amount spent on classmates birthday party

304 replies

Worstparty · 20/06/2019 13:50

I've name changed as basically I think this is very identifying as I can't imagine anyone else at all doing this... I'm keeping details obscure (sorry) because Daily Mail.

DS has been invited to a birthday party which I consider hugely (actually grossly) expensive. From what I can fathom the whole thing including 'party bags' is coming to a cost equivalent to a years school fees. We aren't at a 'destination' private school and most parents are fairly ordinary, although does include some 'rich, rich' families but I've never felt any huge difference between families.

How would you handle this? We are really not well off and the party is something we would do as a once a year holiday. I feel very uncomfortable as every other child's party is going to seem bad in comparison. My feeling is to explain to DS that we aren't as well off and wouldn't choose to spend our money like that. I feel like this amazing party is actually going to rob the joy from the whole class for the year.

OP posts:
Vulpine · 22/06/2019 05:53

And what were expecting when you sent your kid to 'a destination private school'? MacDonalds and happy meal parties?Hmm

TigerTooth · 22/06/2019 07:31

Vulpine

And what were expecting when you sent your kid to 'a destination private school'? MacDonalds and happy meal parties?hmm

Actually it’s not like that. My son goes to one of the most sought after preps in London and the parties are mostly really low key average affairs; laxer tag at soft play space, football and cricket being favourites.
The gifts are about £20 value, some a bit more, some a bit less.
There are some very very wealthy families there but ostentatious children’s parties are not cool. I’ve seen a lot more extravagance in North London State schools.

CorBlimeyGovenor · 22/06/2019 08:26

Vulpine - The OP said specifically that it wasn't a destination private school.

Booboo66 · 22/06/2019 08:34

I’m absolutely baffled about how fun a party could ‘suck joy’ in any way. Also very unclear whether it’s an actual Disneyland party or a Disney themed party in the UK. If it’s actual Disney, my DD went to Disneyland with Brownies aged 7 as one of her first ever brownie trips. It certainly hasn’t spoiled any subsequent trips to ramshackle scout huts in the rain. I’d have loved to have gone to Disney as a family but it’s not financially possible and as this was heavily subsidised due to fundraising etc and made it possible. She had a fantastic time and I’m sure we’ll go back sometime and it won’t matter that she’s been before

Jack80 · 22/06/2019 10:48

I would just let my child go and say aren't you lucky to be doing xyz

BlueSkiesLies · 22/06/2019 10:52

I would just let my child go and say aren't you lucky to be doing xyz

This

People are such lame over thinkers

Threesoups · 22/06/2019 10:58

I don't understand why this is an issue. Your child has been invited to a party where hopefully they will have a good time. They probably won't go to another party that's as good again, but they'll have been to that party and enjoyed it. Just as maybe once every few years you go to a really nice restaurant, or perhaps once in a lifetime you have a big blowout holiday. Just part of the ebb and flow of life.

Threesoups · 22/06/2019 11:03

Oh and btw when dd2 was younger she went to school with a wee girl from a traveller family - now those parties were absolutely epic. The kids always had a fantastic time - multiple inflatables, performers, go karts, marquee and all - and still had a blast at all the other church hall parties throughout the year. It's really not an issue and if other people want to spend their money doing things that make kids happy, fair play.

pitterpatterbaby · 22/06/2019 11:13

Just let your child go. It seems to me you are thinking of yourself and how bad you will feel/look as you can't/won't do something similar. If your child likes the other child they will want to spend time with them!

Serin · 22/06/2019 11:14

OP you just sound jealous.
My DC went to ordinary schools, there were parties in village halls but there were some amazing ones too, which they were really excited about.
These have included whole class to a theme park, a weekend sailing trip, a trip to a formula one grand prix and a deer stalking weekend in Scotland (which DS being vegetarian didn't go to but I imagine it wasnt cheap!!).
I know of family who have built their DC a full sized football pitch and let the local kids team use it.
Being rich doesn't make you an arse. Being jealous does.

TheSerenDipitY · 22/06/2019 11:16

hell every party mines been to has been far more expensive as ones ive thrown, his first party only one kid turned up, the next all of them did, and my son refused all party games, he just wanted to play with all his mates, so thats what they did, the next few he chose a few friends and took them to the movies and pizza, and because his birthday is in the school holidays its never going to be a big thing for other kids

WeedsAndMoss · 22/06/2019 11:23

They are choosing to spend their money on treating your child. Just think of it as lucky and that's that! It's hardly the worst thing in the world to do!

Maybe they'll need parent helpers!!

theworldistoosmall · 22/06/2019 11:31

One of mine went to Disney for a mates party. They had an amazing time. He didn’t come back demanding the same. They called an got a decent group discount.

But I’m also thinking it’s a theme party, hotel close ish to somewhere with activities, then limo ride to Hamleys where they get to race round for an hour grabbing anything they want. This would explain the party bag cost. This would also explain that the op would like to do some of these things first, if it was Disney she could take him beforehand to a theme park.

Freudianslip1 · 22/06/2019 11:54

Don't see the issue, although my ds probably wouldn't have wanted to attend a Disney party.

The party where the dc bring a gently used book and exchange it for another sounds awful to me. Unless people are piss poor with no access to libraries I just see this as virtue signalling. Like the party I heard of where broccoli soup was served as the party food as the mum wanted to give the invitees a taste of homemade, organic food Hmm

Ferret27 · 22/06/2019 11:55

I think some replies are a bit harsh ... why the name calling...
I get your concern and yes some kids may notice and some won’t .... keep telling your child that it’s how you treat people that counts and not what you have and you will both navigate things like this perfectly fine ... I know plenty of adults who do feel a little unsettled after growing up around wealthier friends ...but they all survived ...
It’s good you think about these things as it means you will look out for your child and be able to steer him/her the right way

theworldistoosmall · 22/06/2019 12:15

Also been to a book swap party.
The theme was books. The book swap also included lots of party stuff.

Mummadeeze · 22/06/2019 12:16

Kids don’t really know the value of money. Just let them go and enjoy it. I would be pleased that my child could experience something that I wouldn’t be able to afford myself. Am certain they will still have a blast at all the cheaper parties too. Kids don’t think like you are.

Velociraptorz · 22/06/2019 15:57

YANBU. At first read, I thought people shouldn’t feel they can’t splash out a bit if they want to (and can afford it). And if you’re eg a Premier league footballer you still want your kids to have parties. - that one sounded nice.

But some of these replies make me Shock - kids don’t need photographers and limos!
I would feel uncomfortable. However, if the party involved overnight stay and travel to Disney anywhere (which I agree is not clear from OP) then I would be saying no anyway

LittleOwl · 22/06/2019 16:24

OP I fully get where you are coming from, and amazed that you are getting so little empathy.

It feels bad not being able to reciprocate, one wonders about a debt being built up, and about friendships being bought. Maybe just my insecurities...

Having said that - let your DC enjoy the Disney party, and be happy for him. Smile I find kids are very sensible around money and just accept that others have more.

mixedkebab · 22/06/2019 17:45

I agree with pp who said there is no harm in letting your child attend as long as you make an effort to install the values which are important to you.

On of my DS was regularly invited to extravagent parties and play dates involving private yachts, private island (!), booking out the whole trampoline park for 5 kids, iphone in party bag etc. Suffice it to say we were not in the Uk!

He enjoyed it while it lasted and is now happy to spend weekends relaxing or playing with his cousins in the park or taking a few friends to watch a movie with pizza for his birthday.

trufflehunterthebadger · 22/06/2019 18:20

OP, I have lots of sympathies with you. DD is at a private school, paid for by my parents and while we were probably in the top earners at her state school, we certainly aren’t any more. It does make you worry about whether you spend enough/earn enough/have impressive enough jobs/houses whatever for when the kids come over. I know DH found that quite a worry. But while adults fret over it,I don’t think the kids care at Prep age (I’m guessing you are prep given the monies spent and the fact it’s a Disney party) and even though they notice it’s not so important at their age.
And just remember, however rich or “not rich” you are, there is always someone richer than you - or someone who thinks you are very well off and lucky.

Insanelysilver · 22/06/2019 22:38

At some point in our childhoods we become aware of differences between our own and other families. Your DC has by the sound of it not really had this realisation thrust opon him so far, as from what you’ve said, it’s all seemed fairly standard with his classmates so far.
If your DS was in a one parent family on benefits this truth wouid hsve most likeky been painfully obvious by to him by now.
He is lucky to have decent parties himself normally, on the par of his peers, but on this particular occasion he’s about to find out what less fortunate kids already know. Some people have more money than others, bigger houses, better holidays, flashier cars. You can’t protect your son from the realities of the world and arguably you shouldn’t try. I’d let your DS have a nice time at the flash party. There’s no point in denying him the chance to go to this big event just because you couldn’t match it. That’s life !
And let him understand that his own party will be a lot less expensive as you’re not in the position to go all out as his friehds parents have, but on the positive side, he’ll still have a lovely time with his friends. Xx

mumofthe21stcentury · 22/06/2019 23:49

Hi @Worstparty, instead of comparing financials, can you not just let your kid have some fun.

There is obvious a gap in income - tell your child that this is reality. Some can afford more and some can't. It doesn't make us less of people. Ultimately we should all be happy with the ressources that we have. This is a lesson that our children should learn.

IvanaPee · 23/06/2019 08:35

Did OP come back? Confused

64sNewName · 23/06/2019 09:25

I’ve dutifully rtft and I still don’t know what type of bloody party this is.

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