Feeling uncomfortable about amount spent on classmates birthday party

[Worstparty]

I've name changed as basically I think this is very identifying as I can't imagine anyone else at all doing this... I'm keeping details obscure (sorry) because Daily Mail.

DS has been invited to a birthday party which I consider hugely (actually grossly) expensive. From what I can fathom the whole thing including 'party bags' is coming to a cost equivalent to a years school fees. We aren't at a 'destination' private school and most parents are fairly ordinary, although does include some 'rich, rich' families but I've never felt any huge difference between families.

How would you handle this? We are really not well off and the party is something we would do as a once a year holiday. I feel very uncomfortable as every other child's party is going to seem bad in comparison. My feeling is to explain to DS that we aren't as well off and wouldn't choose to spend our money like that. I feel like this amazing party is actually going to rob the joy from the whole class for the year.

It’s an opportunity for something really nice for your child that someone else is offering. Why wouldn’t you let them go. You can send the usual gift and feel no shame. Make sure to directly express thanks for such a kind gesture. It’s their choice to do something really big.

Guessing it's young primary aged if there's party-bags.

The kids wont know or care how much has been spent. They will judge on the volume (not price) of tat in the party bag and size of the birthday cake. They will just be happy to have been invited to a party.

You need to be careful you don't turn into the sort of whining, hair-shirt-wearing parent who sucks the joy out of everything for your DC. Unless this is a matter of you being expected to contribute financially and can't afford it, let your DC go and enjoy. Do not lecture your DC about the evils of consumerism or tell them to think of the starving poor while they are having fun. If you encourage your kids to share your pious, self-righteous, envious attitude they will struggle to make friends and, as they grow up, realise that you are to blame and resent you for it.

If your child attends a private school then they will be bound to come into contact with very wealthy families TBH.My son went to a normal Boys school and one parent had a Maserati ,another went to South America on holiday.!.If your son wants to go then whats the problem ?No one can possibly match another pound for pound as it were.They will probably have just as much fun at a swimming party or games in the park .This family are being generous in asking their childs friends along .just see it as a nice day out ,dont feel you are in any sort of competition!

I don’t get it. Your child’s been invited to a party. Regardless of what it is. They either go or don’t go. Their party has no relevance on what sort of party you throw for your child does it?

Taking 20 kids to legoland or Harry Potter could easily cost a years school fees if you add in expensive transport to get there, extravagant lunch and fancy party bags. I be The it’s one of the two.

Am I the only one thinking they should've used Sun vouchers??

Let him go, OP. I find it wildly ostentatious but it doesn't mean that a pizza party at home/few friends at the cinema isn't still a great party.

I think it's a bit crappy to so obviously resent something because it's out of your financial reach.

Ditto this though! Some kind of inverse snobbery is going on here I think.
Imagine if all the parents did this:"Let's ostracize the rich kid!"

And I'm sure that if millionaire parents hosted their child's party at McDonalds with a bouncy castle thrown in, they'd be pilloried as well.

You’re way overthinking it. When it comes to your kids party Expensive Birthday child will have just as much fun doing a movie and sleepover. Kids aren’t hard to impress.

Don't worry, they all do different things, it's nice to see this parent choosing something different.
It's not a competition, and kids should learn that we are all different and spend our money in different ways.

I would look at this differently. This family wants to share an experience with their child’s friends and classmates. It isn’t all about the birthday child.

Buy the same gift as you would for any other party and go have fun.

Dd has had some fairly nice parties, but her perfect party is a sleepover at any house that has a dog.

It's a Disney party done very, very nicely from what I can see. We aren't having to pay to attend. Just to be clear - I am in no way jealous or cross I can't do something like this myself. DS is still in Prep. I really don't want to suck the joy out of life for him and he has been to some very nice parties (much better than the ones we do!) and it has never upset him. I guess there is a line for everyone right where you think it's too extravagant? I think you are right that it will be more obvious to the adults the cost of the party rather than the children and DS will likely just have a fun sleepover with friends.

Since I'm not totally joyless, here are the parties mentioned I would be happy to send him to:
Hamleys
Legoland
Sleepover at a museum or posh london hotel

My DC have mostly preferred the "games at home with pizza" type parties over the more expensive ones (granted we've not been invited to anything like you, I thought the parent who booked out the whole of our soft play was extravagant).

So I wouldn't worry

Op you are not coming across very nice.You want to deprive your dc going to a party cause it costs to much[in your eyes].Either send your child or dont,

But what the party costs is neither here nor there so its none of your business.

Well school fees cost €150 here where I am so we really don't know the figures!

The root of it is the money they are spending, you are uncomfortable at the amount of money being spent on your child. But you don't know what is going on in these people's lives, so if they want to spend it, then that's their choice.

The only thing word that would make me say no would be the safety of it, if my child was too young or there were too many children, or getting on a flight, then I would have to go too.

(And pay for myself obviously)

Agree with pps, kids are going to encounter the fact that people have vastly different amounts of wealth, whatever you try to do about it. It's much better to equip them to understand and cope with that, than avoid it. Plus if someone wants to throw an expensive party with their money, that's not actually terrible - they're giving other kids fun and helping the economy, not stashing it offshore. As long as DC understand you have to plans to try and keep up, it's fine, as long as you have no concerns about what the actual event involves.

My 9yo DD (state school) has a very wealthy friend who gets all sorts - expensive jewellery, VIP tickets to fancy shows, designer clothes. DD is always jealously regaling me with friend's latest acquisitions and I'm always bleating on about how happiness isn't just about getting new stuff and spending money, like a stuck record.

Well the other day DD told me in horror that friend's parents wouldn't agree to her having a certain (totally inoffensive) haircut because they didn't think it would look good on her. DD was outraged! She suddenly saw herself as lucky in another way because she knows I'd trust her decision on something like that.

This is the kind of stuff they have to get their heads round rather than be shielded from.

You will always mix with people better off than you and worse off than you. DD3 went to a friend's house for tea and said "oh Mum, her house was just so fancy. I told her Mum that I've never seen such a fancy house in all my life!" I said "sorry you don't live in such a fancy house, but we love you just the same." She replied "it's ok, you don't need a fancy house to be happy!!"

That's it. It doesn't do any harm for children to realise that everyone is not the same as them.

(I'm not Carol)

So if you do this op,would you be ok with the rich kids not coming to your dc birthday,cause you didnt spend enough

A. How do you know how much they are actually paying? They might own the place or have been given the expensive elements as a business favour
B. If your Dc has been invited as a guest, and you are not being asked to pay, how rude of you to criticise and refuse just because you disapprove of... what? Wealth and privilege? Hahaha. Spending money you can afford to have fun!
C. Other parties will only feel bad in comparison if you are all judgmental snobs. Do you think parties that are less resources than you can provide for YOUR child seem bad???
D. It will only ‘Rob the joy from a whole class for a year ‘ (how melodramatic) if they are all eaten up with jealousy / spoilt brats / think like you. Don’t presume to know how the whole year will react.

I disagree with PP who say kids don’t notice: of course they do, we were very aware of who had a magic show/ party bags with our names individually iced on a Thornton ‘s Easter egg , and who didn’t, but we still enjoyed all the parties.

If you don’t feel comfortable having social Interaction with people much wealthier than you how can you expect people much poorer than you to feel relaxed about what you are able to provide?

A disney party? That’s awesome! I would be so excited for my kids if they were invited.

£400 soft play party?

no plans sorry.

Also I agree I'd wibble about my DC being taken abroad/flying without me though that's a separate issue. I think saying no on those grounds is more reasonable.