Feeling uncomfortable about amount spent on classmates birthday party

[Worstparty]

I've name changed as basically I think this is very identifying as I can't imagine anyone else at all doing this... I'm keeping details obscure (sorry) because Daily Mail.

DS has been invited to a birthday party which I consider hugely (actually grossly) expensive. From what I can fathom the whole thing including 'party bags' is coming to a cost equivalent to a years school fees. We aren't at a 'destination' private school and most parents are fairly ordinary, although does include some 'rich, rich' families but I've never felt any huge difference between families.

How would you handle this? We are really not well off and the party is something we would do as a once a year holiday. I feel very uncomfortable as every other child's party is going to seem bad in comparison. My feeling is to explain to DS that we aren't as well off and wouldn't choose to spend our money like that. I feel like this amazing party is actually going to rob the joy from the whole class for the year.

Are the birthday child's parents paying or are the "invitees" expected to pay? That makes a difference.

Why deprive your son of a fun party because its expensive and costs more than what you'd do? That logic is mind boggling. Let him go and have fun, and do his usual party whenever his birthday rolls around.

Blimey I was slightly embarrassed when I realised I'd spent £300 on DS1's birthday party

However, you've sent him to a school where there were always going to be rich people. You can bring him up to understand that money is;t everything but you're not going to hide the fact that some people have a lot more than others (actually, regardless of where they go to school).

I don't see what's to be gained from not letting him go but you;re plan to explain that it's not what you;d see as a good use for the money is fine.

IME children are very good at "getting" these things.

Too few details to be able to judge this one but it would be shitty to make your son miss out.

Oh I hate this reaction to stuff - it's not necessarily oneupmanship to throw an amazing party. Maybe they've had a shit year and want to cheer themselves up. Maybe it hasn't occurred to them that it might make you uncomfortable.

I don't spend silly amounts on my DC's parties but I do often go all out effort-wise, full on Harry Potter parties with everyone dressed up and stuff, for example. I do it because party planning makes me happy and the DC love it too - we make all the props and the decorations. But someone said to me once that I must think her parties are shit and I was absolutely mortified. I don't judge other people's parties at all and enjoy all of them, as do my DC. It had genuinely never occurred to me that my parties might make other mums feel bad about theirs. I'd be even more gutted if people thought I was doing it to show off.

Short answer, let your kid go and enjoy it and don't mess with his little head.

In my experience children are very adaptive when it comes to things like this and that it is usually the adults that overthink things. Some people just have different interests and priorities.

We are really not well off and the party is something we would do as a once a year holiday. I feel very uncomfortable as every other child's party is going to seem bad in comparison.

But it's not a competition. Even the smallest children can understand that some people have more cash than others. Their money, their choice.

A year's school fees is presumably upward of £10,000 - depending on the age of the child and whether primary or secondary of course it could be much more. All I can think of is a trip abroad somewhere?

But I'd let your child go - enjoy it - and then get back to normal!

im dying to know what theyre doing. Are you expected to pay or are they treating the kids?

I feel like this amazing party is actually going to rob the joy from the whole class for the year

Really? That is a very odd way to think about another kids party.

Also why do you have to say anything? You may think it’s awful to spend so much but if the birthday child’s parents want to spent that much it’s up to them. Let him go, he would feel like he really missed out if the rest of the class are all talking about it and the party bags and he didn’t go because you felt they had spent too much. By the time he’s been to another couple of birthday parties it will be a distant memory.

“The same price as a years school fees...”

Eh? So 20k or thereabouts?

What on earth are they doing? Has she hired a museum for the night? Or Hamleys for half an hour?

@IHeartKingThistle

Awww your post was lovely! Your DCs' parties sound amazing!

I would 100% just go and have a lovely time.

As a grown up, would you turn down an invitation to a fancy party just because you couldn’t reciprocate?

It’s their business how much they spend. If they want to show off, that’s fine. Go along, eat their fancy food, do activities, have a fantastic day out for free.

I'm reading this like you aren't paying towards it but feel it will make others feel shit for not having as much cash? Let him go and enjoy the extravagance but explain he hasn't got a cat in hells chance of having the same.Im sure he wont be the only one having "normal" parties.

Just let him go and enjoy it.

A years school fees depending on where you are and what level they're at is probably between £7500 and £15000 (unless they're at boarding school which is a whole other story) If the parents have got that to throw at a children's party so be it. Don't deny your child the opportunity to enjoy it

Not enough info here to comment

You're making the party about you.

It's not.

I don't think they need to worry about what you consider grossly whatever!

Enjoy it forget it is. In fact, let your child enjoy it for what it is.

I don’t get it? So what if it’s an extravagant party? Who cares what other people spend their money on?

I’d be delighted to be invited to an extravagant party especially if I didn’t have to pay. Your child will have a ball. Why does that make you uncomfortable? It’s not as if every child in the class is doing this and you can’t afford to - that would be different and I could understand your feelings in that case obviously but I’m struggling to see the issue otherwise?

I hate to jump to jealousy - but is that part of it?

My kids would never forgive me if I didn't let them go. If I was invited to a party that I couldn't afford in my own right and I like the people inviting me I would be off like a shot. No hard in seeing how the other half lives.

I find it incredibly sad that someone would refuse for their child to attend a party purely because they felt that the party would have more money spent on it than their own.

Comparison is the thief of joy.

ds has been on some parties where I wouldn't have spent anywhere needs the kind of money other parents spent and others that were cheap and cheerful.

He enjoyed them all.

In my experience of parties and social occasions the biggest ones aren't necessarily the most enjoyed or remembered. Let him go, and then chuckke to yourself in the future when he fondly remembers the plastic tat pass the parcels you made or your badly iced birthday cake that made little Johnny throw up whilst the cruise for sebastian's 5th is a distant and boring memory!!

Let him go it’s a good lesson

I don't see how it will 'rob joy'? The kids will love it, and will remember, and will also have a grand time with a bouncy castle in a village hall and some ice-cream at another party.

Although my mind is goggling at a £7-10K party. What could they be doing?

I'd send my child to the party and let them enjoy it!

One of my DC went to a party at a premier league footballer's mansion once - it was absolutely amazing. They had the party in the indoor swimming pool and then played in the games room afterwards.

But honestly the children won't compare other parties to this one - at primary school age they just like parties full stop!