DH 'asking permission'

[BettySwoll0cks]

Is anyone else fed up with their DH "asking permission" to do stuff they haven't thought through, that clearly impacts on family life? Mine just asked "can I go cycling across France for 3 weeks next May?" and I was like, I don't know, can you? Can "we" manage it?

We have one DC who is at pre school during term time, so we need childcare solutions over holidays (like most people). DH gets one long leave entitlement per year which he is planning to use for the cycling. I pointed out that we would need to think through how we will manage school hols between us and he just completely shut down and said I was telling him he couldn't go. I said no, it's just that we need to think through what the knock-ons are to the rest of the year and it might be ok, it might not. Massive argument then ensued about who had got angry with whom, raised their voice first, irrelevant blah.

It just feels like I'm always expected to have The Family Plan and if I don't immediately say "yes dear, that's fine I'll work everything else around you" then I'm treated like fun police. AIBU?

I would tell him he could go for 1 week and you will deal with child but then he will have to come back and pull his weight because you will be going on holiday for a week alone. Then have one week all together.

You say yes, as long as you also get 3 weeks off in July or August (pick a school holiday)

You tell him it’s fine. Then tell him when your weeks away are. Or even go first. When words don’t work, action is the only option.

I agree that the underlying problem is the sense of entitlement however I'm not sure that there is any solution....whatever you do you're always playing whack-a-mole with the sense of entitlement

Bad mummy? Please! Get some self respect. Tell home absolutely fine, then tell him when you will be away for 3 weeks leaving him alone with the kids. If you can’t do That, you have bigger problems than a trip away.

It certainly is a sense of entitlement in this case. For some reason thinking that he doesn't have to contribute equally but that all of his needs should be met.

I had never thought about it like that but so many of the points of friction in our relationship centre on this. I'm so glad I started this thread, I have a whole new perspective on it now. It seems so horribly straightforward.

Glad it sorted out the issues for you.

Very interesting thread, gave me food for thought.

Sounds like this is about his wants, not needs.

It isn't reasonable for a dad to go off for 3 weeks, using all of his leave, when he has a partner and young children. It really isn't. And I never lived in the pocket of my exH - we both had breaks away from each other. But not 3 weeks. Stuff being passionate about something. When the dcs are older, maybe - but I'd still be pissed off if my partner used all of his annual leave to do this in preference to spending time with me.

he knows it's not reasonable, which is why he's pushed it onto you. At his stage in his life, and his family's life, he should just be happy spending his Sundays riding around with his fellow Mamils.

I class myself as relatively independent and me and DH don’t live in each other’s pockets but we have an 18mth old, family life and family holidays come first and this would definitely not be ok with me. More from the viewpoint of using all his leave up tbh. Luckily DH would never ever dream of being so selfish. We both have nights out and trips away with friends - I went to Spain for 4days when DS was 5mths old! But our time together is always the priority for both of us.

You know what makes it even worse is that this is a sudden new hobby

Buy a child seat for the back of his bike and dc can go with him - sorted!

My wife and I have a child in preschool. She just went away for 4 day holiday and I’m going away for a 3 day break in a couple of weeks. If she asked me to go away for 3 weeks by herself (which she wouldn’t), I’d say that’s not a good idea - it’s too long. Our child would miss you. If one of us asked the other to go on a shorter break alone, we’d say fine - and when shall I go away?

Oh no, zombie thread... still it’s the perennial issue: Inconsiderate men, haha.

MyDH always asks because he acknowledges I'm the "secretary"! But I will always say to him that he needs to organise who's going to pick the kids up on the evenings he's away when I work a bit later than normal. I organise everything else so I make a point of saying this is his job to organise.

My brother frequently goes off on cycling trips. He has no children though. I wouldn't agree to anything that I was going to really resent as I would not be able to stop myself bellyaching about it for the rest of my life. I was left alone while pregnant to bring up a child alone (now 13) and so I am great at holding grudges 😆

If MN has taught me anything it is that men that cycle are to be avoided at all costs

Pa1oma Wed 19-Jun-19 22:43:43
Oh dear. Mine is in a ten-day cycling trip in Asia right now confused.

To be honest OP, I don’t care anymore, but my DC are a little older now and I don’t work, so no childcare plans to factor in.

It is true that it wouid never occur to me to take myself off for ten days though. I understand what PPs are saying.

DH is generally off somewhere at least every other month for anything from 3 days to a week or two.

Why do you put up with this?

For the first time ever I'm glad I'm getting divorced.

OP there is a fairly easy way to sort this . He changes the dates to the summer holidays , fits a child seat ..win win

🧟‍♂️🧟‍♀️🧟‍♂️🧟‍♀️🧟‍♂️🧟‍♀️

@BettySwoll0cks, any update??

“What’s in it for me?”

“How will this benefit our children?”

“What about our family holiday?”