Meet the Other Phone. Protection built in.

Meet the Other Phone.
Protection built in.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

DH 'asking permission'

348 replies

BettySwoll0cks · 19/06/2019 22:18

Is anyone else fed up with their DH "asking permission" to do stuff they haven't thought through, that clearly impacts on family life? Mine just asked "can I go cycling across France for 3 weeks next May?" and I was like, I don't know, can you? Can "we" manage it?

We have one DC who is at pre school during term time, so we need childcare solutions over holidays (like most people). DH gets one long leave entitlement per year which he is planning to use for the cycling. I pointed out that we would need to think through how we will manage school hols between us and he just completely shut down and said I was telling him he couldn't go. I said no, it's just that we need to think through what the knock-ons are to the rest of the year and it might be ok, it might not. Massive argument then ensued about who had got angry with whom, raised their voice first, irrelevant blah.

It just feels like I'm always expected to have The Family Plan and if I don't immediately say "yes dear, that's fine I'll work everything else around you" then I'm treated like fun police. AIBU?

OP posts:
prettywhiteguitar · 22/06/2019 08:17

I think seeing a counsellor together about his shitty attitude towards you would be a great idea

fotheringhay · 22/06/2019 08:24

This is such an important discussion. I'm 'between husbands' at the moment (due to similar issue - stay away from musicians!!!) so it's fascinating to me as I'm setting the standards in my mind for the sort of relationship I want. I might be single for a long time! Grin

Best of luck OP. I think it crucially comes down to whether he respects you and cares about your happiness. Being a single parent isn't great but it's not to be feared either, if it's the right thing to happen.

notdaddycool · 22/06/2019 08:30

The male perspective on this... he’s an utter nob.

MrsCollinssettled · 22/06/2019 08:37

I would be saying "can I just confirm that as it's a boys trip you are taking DS as that resolves the childcare issue?" I would also put a chart in a very visible place with two columns, one showing the hours he spends on his bike and the second showing the hours you get to yourself.

Lahlahfizzyfizzydoda · 22/06/2019 08:49

Maybe someone impartially telling him he is a knob, may just work

IndieTara · 22/06/2019 08:58

Op i think your approach is sensible. I just feel lucky I no longer have a DH

MrsCollinssettled · 22/06/2019 09:01

My thought in putting the chart in a very visible place means that other people will see it and either comment or take notice. IME men like that hate to have their shortcomings/selfishness brought to other people's attention as they then have to start justifying it to people they respect or want to admire them (obviously your respect isn't something they care about)

Boom45 · 22/06/2019 09:09

A bit of time away from family to be a whole person again and not just a wife/mother/husband/dad can be a really good thing for all involved. My DH and i have solo holidays occasionally. 3 weeks, when there is childcare to cover is not that though. 3 weeks away is abandoning all responsibility and dropping your partner in the shit for purely selfish reasons. If you were talking about a long weekend I'd be able to see both sides but i am struggling to comprehend what sort of person thinks 3 weeks is any kind of reasonable request.

tenlittlecygnets · 22/06/2019 09:26

And Boom he has already been on a boys trip to Hong Kong this year...

timeisnotaline · 22/06/2019 09:41

I hadn’t realised the Hong Kong one. After this last discussion I’d now say I hadn’t realised how unequal thingd are and you can’t go on anything until I’ve done x, be it 4 Saturdays off (I assume you don’t actually want to go away) etc.

Lweji · 22/06/2019 10:17

I do actually want to pursue a happy marriage with this man if it's possible.

An important question is: does he? Or is himself more important in his mind?

Mxyzptlk · 22/06/2019 10:31

OP, your man is not approaching this with a full view of the situation.
He's only looking at what he wants and if you don't say 'Yes, dear' he's decided you are unreasonable.
Has he said how he sees the childcare being covered and how a family holiday will fit in?
If not, ask him.
If he thinks that's not his problem to work out, ask him why it isn't.

Whosorrynow · 22/06/2019 10:50

The passive aggressive response the petulant teenager mode that he uses when you try and discuss it with him, I feel that this represents a refusal to meet you as an equal, a refusal to treat you as someone who deserves a straight honest answer
in other words it's just another way of insulting you, putting you down, putting you beneath him

FizzyGreenWater · 22/06/2019 11:39

"oh well in future if I have an idea I'm passionate about I won't bother trying to discuss it with you" and "yes well I'll try to be a better husband and father eye roll)

Really?!

So presumably you said something along the lines of - so you spend all your leave having fun, if we assume that we're of equal importance in this marriage can you tell me a. when my three weeks away from the family, leaving you alone with the kids, can be fitted in and b. if all your leave is for you and you alone, and mine for me alone (because see above) - who covers childcare in the holidays?'

What was his reply to that?

Because if it was something along the lines of the quote above then no, I don't see how ones 'pursues a happy marriage' with someone who fundamentally doesn't see you as an equal person. It's like being best friends with someone who secretly thinks of you as lesser, who bullies or demeans you - you just wouldn't, and if you tried to your self-esteem would be shot to bits.

While you think about this I would a. seek counselling, ALONE and b. get a weekend hobby or class or develop a PASSION (because we all know how important he sees having a passion) for going on long walks which start with getting up at 6 on a saturday and disappearing for 7 hours at a stretch, leaving him with the kids.

FizzyGreenWater · 22/06/2019 11:41

And WTF, he's already been on one solo holiday this year? Leaving you holding the fort alone of course?

Why on earth isn't your automatic answer to 'France cycling' - 'No, my turn next after Hong Kong' -????

tomatostottie · 22/06/2019 12:19

What a selfish wanker.
Pathetic manchild behaviour.

Motoko · 22/06/2019 12:36

Why on earth isn't your automatic answer to 'France cycling' - 'No, my turn next after Hong Kong' -????

This is the trouble. Most women, in this sort of relationship, aren't willing to stand up for themselves, because they don't want to rock the boat, and risk the hassle of splitting up, which it usually leads to, because the man isn't willing to give up his carefree life.

So, they keep trying to have conversations, putting their side across, in the vain hope that it will finally sink into his thick skull, and he miraculously changes into a kind, caring, husband and father, and the resentment builds, until they eventually split up anyway, because he's fed up of the "nagging", so goes and finds someone else, or she eventually realises he's not going to change, and decides enough's enough.

In the meantime, like the pp above, the children grow up wondering why their dad doesn't spend any time with them, often thinking that they must be bad children, or there's something wrong with them. Once they've grown up, they don't have much, if any, relationship with their father.

As I said before, until more women stop putting up with this shit, men will carry on doing it, because even if one woman won't accept being treated like this, there are plenty more who will, so it perpetuates. It will take generations and generations at this rate, before the majority of men have changed.

PCohle · 22/06/2019 13:01

'France cycling' - 'No, my turn next after Hong Kong' -????

Because the OP doesn't want to go away on a lengthy trip without her child. She just wants a husband who recognises the realities of family life and wants to pull his weight.

Blaming the OP for not "standing up for herself" and "putting up with this shit" is wildly unfair. It's not her responsibility to parent her DH.

Motoko · 22/06/2019 13:07

No, but she is responsible for her own actions.

Sindragosan · 22/06/2019 13:25

You're right, she's not responsible for her dh, so the reply is generally 'I am not your mother' to these sorts of questions here, and eventually they get it or they don't.

It may need spelling out in much clearer terms to your dh, that the house and child are not just your responsibility, and he can step up or go live the single life elsewhere.

fotheringhay · 22/06/2019 14:15

Motoko I cannot believe you're blaming women for this shit. Absolutely cannot believe it.

As if a decent person would behave like this, regardless of whether they're 'enabled'. You could pay me enough to treat someone this badly - not even a friend, let alone my spouse.

(I'm talking about men like this in general, not specifically the OP's DH)

Men need to wake up and ask themselves - before they commit to anyone - do I really WANT to be a husband and father? If they'd rather be free and single instead they should do the decent thing and not abuse a woman's good faith

fotheringhay · 22/06/2019 14:20

Apologies, that sounded more aggressive than I meant it to

Loopytiles · 22/06/2019 14:49

“My turn” doesn’t work with things that cost that much annual leave and money.

The only couple I know who have money, time and leave to both do a week away alone each year have well paid jobs with few hours, and family help with childcare on tap.

Loopytiles · 22/06/2019 14:49

They have enough money, childcare, leave to do that AND have family holidays, and time as a family and couple.

Envy!

BertrandRussell · 22/06/2019 15:00

It’s an interesting one, this. I was reading a comedian’s blog yesterday, and he was saying that he’d had to take two days out of a family holiday to honour a commitment, and on the way he was offered a gig that he had talked about really wanting to do which would have meant staying away an extra day. He turned it down without consulting his wife. My first thought was not “what a hero” but “what a git” - not even giving her the chance to have an opinion......

I think that “asking permission” thing is rubbish. But there has to be a way of talking about things that means a proper decision can be made without anyone feeling either put upon or disgruntled?

Please create an account

To comment on this thread you need to create a Mumsnet account.

This thread is closed and is no longer accepting replies. Click here to start a new thread.