DH 'asking permission'

[BettySwoll0cks]

Is anyone else fed up with their DH "asking permission" to do stuff they haven't thought through, that clearly impacts on family life? Mine just asked "can I go cycling across France for 3 weeks next May?" and I was like, I don't know, can you? Can "we" manage it?

We have one DC who is at pre school during term time, so we need childcare solutions over holidays (like most people). DH gets one long leave entitlement per year which he is planning to use for the cycling. I pointed out that we would need to think through how we will manage school hols between us and he just completely shut down and said I was telling him he couldn't go. I said no, it's just that we need to think through what the knock-ons are to the rest of the year and it might be ok, it might not. Massive argument then ensued about who had got angry with whom, raised their voice first, irrelevant blah.

It just feels like I'm always expected to have The Family Plan and if I don't immediately say "yes dear, that's fine I'll work everything else around you" then I'm treated like fun police. AIBU?

I would say something along the lines of "a daddy DC trip how fun, have a great time". Use that on dh a fair bit haha

OP if you do end up dumping your man-child when it all gets too much, I highly recommend marrying a woman next. You don’t get this bollocks with women and the family/ house stuff is pretty much 50/50...

Before I had dd, I had 2 hobbies that I spent most of my annual leave doing (hobbies involved nights away). After I met dp, we did some of these trips together, but I scaled back so we could have some normal holiday trips together.

Even before we had dd, I later dropped one of hobbies altogether, and massively scaled back the other since dd was born (2 trips of 3 nights away since she was born nearly 5 years ago).

I still miss doing those hobbies A LOT. I really miss doing them. But I have a child and a partner, so my annual leave is not just about me.

Your dh should be able to work this stuff our for himself, as an adult, a partner and a parent.

'Have you had a chance to think about my cycling trip'

What a fucking knob! Just a selfish, manchild tosser.

I'm really sorry, Betty, but he's FORTY and still a selfish tit who puts himself and his fucking bike first.

This would be make or break for me. He goes and even with support in place, that's it, no holiday time left. He's literally, with the trip in April, spent it all on himself.

You know what that is? A great big 'FUCK YOU' to you and his child.

And I'd tell him this. 'I'm done doing the thinking for you, enabling your home life and your parenthood. What do I think of your cycling trip, that it's you giving me and DC a great big FUCK OFF because I, DH, come first.'

Good luck, but selfish people rarely change this late in the game.

Like fuck is he a good husband and father! You've said yourself, you and your child are ALWAYS at the bottom of his priorities. That's not the sign of a good husband and father. Stop kidding yourself.

Anyone else hearing, 'Muuuuuuuum, you still haven't said if I can go or not. Can I go? Can I? Pleeeeeeeeeeeeease. . . All the other boys Mums have said yes. . . '

@OralB it's completely mind blowing isn't it. Good in a way that this has happened because it's made me really think about how entrenched this behaviour has become. It's an inheritance from his parents sadly, Dad worked the farm and Mum ran the house, the yard and the kids. But it's certainly not something that I am prepared to sign up to so it stops here, or we have a real decision point on our hands (and I say us, because some women will put up with it I guess so he's not condemned to be forever single and unhappy, he just won't be with me).

Calm down @Motoko, I'm just pointing out that he's not a complete waste of space. But there is an issue, and like most married/committed people (and especially those with kids) I'm not just going to throw him on the scrap heap, i will see if we can work through it.

Ah, farming background...

I didn't realise how entrenched my ideas were until I started reading MN. I have a great DH (who my farming DM thinks I don't look after properly) but we are having the "wifework" & "mental load" discussion.

I looked at our older friends and realised the dynamic doesn't change, the man retires and has projects and the woman ends up with a lot of the donkey work.

Now it's been pointed out, (stop saying "how can I help?, you live here too, it's not my decision) things are better but my DH isn't a cyclist...they're defo a breed of their very own. :-)

Fucking cycling. I swear to god if my DH so much as looks at a bike I'll divorce him on the spot and save myself the hassle. Why does it turn men into such utter arseholes?

It's not inherited, there's a big difference between working on a farm and going on weeks of hobbies and holidays with friends whilst you ditch your family. He's just selfish as AF.

He's not a good dad or husband, he's a shit one.

I'd honestly just tell him yeah, you've thought about it and what a huge FUCK YOU to you and DC and how selfish he is for even considering it.

How can he be a good husband and Dad when you admit he puts both his needs and wants first at all time and you get the leftovers? Mutually exclusive statements IMHO

Cyclists aren't all arseholes, my dh had a child seat on the back of his so he could go out for a short time and give me a break while he was at it. He wouldn't dream even now of sodding off for 3 weeks on his own, that's a whole other level of selfishness.

I would text back "I'm waiting for your plan on how we'll cover summer childcare. No point in me thinking about it again until you've worked out a solution."

I didn't say he was a good husband. I said he was a good Dad by which I meant (sorry if I wasn't clear) he has a nice relationship with his son. He has a lot of good qualities as a human being. Of course many people on here will shout "LTB!!!!!" at the top of their lungs, that's just customary. I choose to challenge his selfish behaviour and see if he can recognise it and behave differently from now on. As several PPs have said their OH's have.

Good advice @LannieDuck !

If we're going to indulge in sweeping generalisations then, given that motorists kill between 1000 and 2000 people per year, motorists are also all cunts.

THREE WEEKS?! Not a bloody chance

I would probably have said something like - yes, that’s fine if you somehow have an extra 3 weeks leave allowance this year so can still cover the usual school holiday childcare

However, 3 weeks is just massively taking the piss regardless

You need a number of options for him in case he comes back with a complete blank on the childcare question as well as open question responses to the obvious suggestions. DOn't volunteer them, just throw him the question first.
him: your mum will. you 'do you think that's fair? Laying aside that she might have plans, she's 65. The kids are tiring. When did you last do several days in a row solo with them much less 3 weeks?
him: you take your holidays to look after them. You: So have I got this right, you use your holidays for fun trips you want to do and I.... use all mine to look after OUR children? Does that sound like a fair approach to you?

Other suggestions - he buy leave for the summer holidays. (It might not be financially workable, that doesn't matter - means his holiday might not be financially workable, it might not be allowed - worth asking)
He take parental leave over the summer holidays.
He find and book suitable childcare and explain how it works for the budget.

At some point drop in 'so how much will this trip cost? I need to know what our personal holiday budget allowance is.'

I find it odd that a married man with children would even consider a 3 week trip away with friends?

When are you having your 3 weeks away to do an activity you enjoy? - never? Thought not.

Totally obsurd. He could do a long weekend with friends cycling in France surely . 3 WEEKS?! Mind boggling.

Fuck chasing your tail thinking of options or comebacks because believe me, he hasn't given it a moment's thought. He fully expects you to organise it all and go without a family holiday so he can play Peter Pan On A Push Bike. There's nothing to discuss except that his even thinking about using his entire holiday allowance to cycle in France is selfish as AF and shows that he gives zero fucks about you and his child and you're sick of it.

I find it totally mind boggling that any father of a pre schooler would consider this, what about the family trip to the seaside!!!
My worry about your DH OP, is that he is going to sulk for a whole year if this is denied to him, so not sulking about it must be part of the discussion. Who are these other people going, surely they can't have young children?? I am literally shocked by this, I have a friend with multiple children who used to travel the world doing long distance running and I wondered how his wife stood for it but he was never away for anything like 3 weeks!!

Honestly any parent who lives full time with their minor children makes such an obscene proposal the only logical response would be "Burial or cremation,dear?"

I would really agonise about leaving my pre-schooler for a week, let alone 3. Wouldn't he miss his child?

euuuuuuuugh cycling. Why cant they get into drugs and leather trousers like they used to?