DH 'asking permission'

[BettySwoll0cks]

Is anyone else fed up with their DH "asking permission" to do stuff they haven't thought through, that clearly impacts on family life? Mine just asked "can I go cycling across France for 3 weeks next May?" and I was like, I don't know, can you? Can "we" manage it?

We have one DC who is at pre school during term time, so we need childcare solutions over holidays (like most people). DH gets one long leave entitlement per year which he is planning to use for the cycling. I pointed out that we would need to think through how we will manage school hols between us and he just completely shut down and said I was telling him he couldn't go. I said no, it's just that we need to think through what the knock-ons are to the rest of the year and it might be ok, it might not. Massive argument then ensued about who had got angry with whom, raised their voice first, irrelevant blah.

It just feels like I'm always expected to have The Family Plan and if I don't immediately say "yes dear, that's fine I'll work everything else around you" then I'm treated like fun police. AIBU?

Not posting the relevant picture from the Ladybird Book of the Mid-life Crisis.

I feel that Duncan and DH could be related...

Pa1oma why don’t you book yourself some time away??

Well I just feel as if there’s always too much going on and I just would feel guilty. Plus, it’s not as if he’s take fine off work. He gets stressed if he’s indoors and drives everyone mad. I take my breaks in other ways - ie when he’s away!

Duncan sounds like a bore!

@Hippee That's hilarious. Sounds like my DH

So his whole holiday entitlement will be used on a trip for himself-nice

Fuck that. I have a lover who's a cyclist. He's got an amazing body, but he's an inherently selfish person to live with, hence why he's divorced. I'd never live with a cyclist or a climber again in my entire life (I was formerly married to a climber).

What Anna said. I'd tell him that, verbatim. He's immature and expects you to act like his mother and be his fall guy when he has to tell his selfish wank friends he's not going. Diddums.

I don't think there is anything wrong with floating an idea and discussing together what the implications are. You don't always know how it will impact your partner until you ask and maybe they have solutions you hadn't thought of. Obviously that requires both sides to be reasonable and not sulk if it isn't going to work.

Lol! No, YANBU

YANBU

Your husband is an arse.

@Winebottle floating an idea and discussing together what the implications are would be superb. What I have is the onus of responsibility for doing everybody's thinking for them, then being accused of "denying permission" when I try to have the conversation out loud.

So he was going to use his entire holiday allowance to go cycling with his mates and not spend any of it with his child? Please tell me you're not already pregnant again but this utter wanker. FFS. He wasn't 'floating' an idea, it doesn't take a rocket scientist to realise a young child needs childcare over hols if you're both working. He's a twat. Like I said, I enjoy my lover's company in bed, but he's an inherently selfish person.

Tell him he can go after he's tidied his room and done his homework. Dickhead.

Sounds like you have 2 DC, not one, like so many of us.

You are bad mummy now for not giving 'permission'.

ExH used to do this about going to the footie.
It made me the bad cop if I said no but his conscience was clear because he'd been given permission if I said yes so he could absolve all responsibility but even he isn't crazy enough to have suggested 3 weeks! I think I'd have laughed tbh.
Took me ages to cop on to the fact that he actually never did anything he didn't want to

I agree with the poster who suggested you ask him about your own 3 week trip this year ... pick a location and say you've always wanted to see it, so you're delighted he thinks these trips for individual fulfillment are so important ... he'll be happy to cover all childcare and household responsibilities for that time himself, right?

@BillywilliamV

You’d be bloody annoyed if he disappeared for 3 weeks without asking you !

No no no no. The default isn’t that he goes. The default situation is that he doesn’t go, because that’s what’s compatible with his responsibilities. Far from doing OP a favour by asking this stupid question, he’s just added another nail to the coffin. YY to PP. the resentment builds.

Men, and it generally is men, who come out with this sort of thing are modern day adolescent Neanderthals imo (sorry OP). They just haven’t grown up, haven’t realised that having children changes your life, that women aren’t the default childcarers beyond the first few months of life.... Worse, of course, is when they do know all this but know they can get away with it.

@BummyKnocker yes I am. I'm bad for saying no, and mad for getting cross. Bad, mad Mummy.

I don't think there is anything wrong with floating an idea and discussing together what the implications are.

It's not just fun 'In another life I'd like to...' though, he's basically telling the OP he's going to do it - if he was genuinely casually wondering what her opinion on it would be there'd be no argument to have! It would be a ridiculous and selfish thing for him to even think up, in same way it would be in OP asked him if he'd mind her pissing off to a French spa for 3 weeks - that's just not something decent parents, or partners, if it comes to that, do.

And this is why Divorce was invented

We ask each others permission, kinda like "I want to do xyz on xxx date, do you mind/is that ok" its courtesy. We dont argue about stuff like that, we are not chattel.However we dont have young children. In your case DH wants to go cycling for 3 weeks leaving you to do everything and use up his leave, I would have a problem with it, a couple of days maybe but not 3 weeks. YANBU

This would do my fucking head in. I totally get why you're annoyed.

It's not the fact that he wants to piss off for 3 weeks (although that's very annoying as well) it's the fact that he doesn't even bother to try and plan it himself. He just thinks "it's ok, my wife will drop everything and sort this out for me. If she doesn't then I will get angry with her because she's being a nag and stopping me from doing things with my friends".

If you wanted to piss off for a while and do something I bet you would immediately be looking at your DH's diary, thinking about childcare, working out how much annual leave you'd both have left to cover school hols etc... You know, WOMEN'S WORK. fucking hell.

Seeing as though he had a trip away for his 40th surely it's your turn anyway??

I'm currently OLD. If I see a photo of a man in cycling gear/on his bike that's an immediate swipe away!

I take my (non-cycling) hat off to him for even having the balls to ask! Would you ask if it was ok to go away for 3 weeks for your hobby?? Why would anyone even want to be away from their kids for 3 weeks for a voluntary reason? I just don't get it.