DH 'asking permission'

[BettySwoll0cks]

Is anyone else fed up with their DH "asking permission" to do stuff they haven't thought through, that clearly impacts on family life? Mine just asked "can I go cycling across France for 3 weeks next May?" and I was like, I don't know, can you? Can "we" manage it?

We have one DC who is at pre school during term time, so we need childcare solutions over holidays (like most people). DH gets one long leave entitlement per year which he is planning to use for the cycling. I pointed out that we would need to think through how we will manage school hols between us and he just completely shut down and said I was telling him he couldn't go. I said no, it's just that we need to think through what the knock-ons are to the rest of the year and it might be ok, it might not. Massive argument then ensued about who had got angry with whom, raised their voice first, irrelevant blah.

It just feels like I'm always expected to have The Family Plan and if I don't immediately say "yes dear, that's fine I'll work everything else around you" then I'm treated like fun police. AIBU?

God I could have written this only yesterday and that was just about one night away cycling.

The way he worded it made it sound like if I couldn't come up with any better thing to do at the weekend after factoring in the various things the kids have got on then he was going to go and do a cycle. I actually fecking flipped and have had enough of this mental load.

I pointed out that we can't just piss off and do exactly what we want whilst the kids are the age they are. They didn't ask to be born, we chose to have them. And I'm fed up always being the one to do all the thinking around planning etc. He's got form for this and I seriously believe that once the kids are finally flown the nest (and it won't be long), then he'll have a very rude wake up call when he comes home to find I've buggered off to Cuba for three weeks.

I got this from another post a while ago and I made him read it .....

'It’s exhausting having to tell people what to do all the time. The sexiest thing a man can do is to say ‘I got this’ and take care of whatever needs taken care of. And not to bleat on about it looking for a medal, just do it. Don’t just say ‘just tell me what to do and I’ll gladly do it’. A woman does not want to tell you, she doesn’t want to be your mother. She wants a partner who can apply intelligence and learning capabilities to a situation and manage that task effectively. Like she does. All the time. With no bleating and little praise.'

And this one .....

Men, by and large, do not seem to think about their relationships much unless there is a clear and present danger of it going down the pan. They assume a right to get what they want out of life, and out of a relationship. They expect the women to do that thinking for them and also take care of our own wants and needs, and that of our children. The men want us to write in big, block capitals for them, the minimum that is required to maintain the status quo rather than take any time to work it out for themselves - they DO NOT spend ages asking their pals, or researching the web about their wives’ thoughts, feelings or needs, trying to interpret our actions. Mostly that is always for the wives to do. And that is bloody knackering and unfair. Living both sides of an emotional life to try to maintain the illusion of ‘romantic love’ because one half simply doesn’t see the point in doing so.

@Jaggypinecone you are so right. DH emptied the dishwasher "all by himself without being asked" and then complained that I hadn't thanked him. FFS.

Honestly OP, I'd cheerily wave him off on his cycle holiday then change the locks. When he comes back and is all surprised just tell him that the taste of single parenthood was actually quite nice because you hadn't had to do his thinking for him for 3 weeks and you'd like it to stay that way.

Cyclists are c*s anyway

Jaggypinecone this is so true.

Its taken a while but after years of nagging my husband has finally seen the light and got the message. We had a family situation here yesterday that left me in bits. My DH swooped in and took care of everything for me without me even asking and I realise now how lucky I am to have a man that does that and doesn't expect a medal. Its the sexiest thing he has ever done. I finally feel like I don't have to do the thinking for everyone anymore or be 'mother to the whole house and everyone in it' . Sorry to hijack the post but I'm feeling very emotional about it today and I want OP to know she doesn't have to put up with this shit. Men can do better.but there is truth in what you said about their perception of 'mother'.

What a bellend. My husband has faults but he would have never ever contemplated being so utterly selfish.

SignedUP
I hear you!
Yup I'm done with spoon-feeding happiness down everyone else's throat with not so much as a by your leave for anything that makes me happy. And it isn't much. To be put first for a change or for folk to actually do what needs doing without me nagging.

@SignedUp out of interest, what helped him to "see the light"? One particular event or just an accumulation of stuff?

Asking for a friend ...

I think saying, 'yes, of course! How are you going to pay for the extra childcare over the summer? Oh, and since we aren't going on a family holiday this year, I'll be off with the girls for a week on x, y, z date, so you'll need to organise around that too.'

Then do it.

I suspect things will change. And even if they don't, they will, in that you will be having some time to yourself too.

So his priorities is himself first then you and dc-thats not how its supposed to work

My dh has never gone away alone for 3 weeks to do anything i dont even think hed consider it-he went away for a week for his daughters wedding in another country thats it

Has he always been like this -when you have a child everything else she come second its not oh i have a child but whtever nothing is going to change or dont bother having them then-the mother isnt the slave

BettySwollocks I think it's just a case of every time he's pulled shit like this I've pointed out to to him that his assumption that I will do xyz is purely because I brought the ovaries and I didn't realise how sexist he was. I reminded him that I used to be good fun when it was just us and now I'm the misery cunt around here because I have to take care of everything he doesn't think of and if he truly did his fair share I might be fun again. He's pulled his weight a lot more and I've tried to lighten up and it seems to be working. But he's a modern man and doesn't like to be thought of as sexist. I just think it never occurred to him how sexist his view of the 'mother' role was.

Also he used to say 'just tell me what needs doing and I'll do it'. He thought this was helpful but it used to infuriate me even more. I keep saying 'nobody tells me how to be an adult. I worked it out all I my own'

Deep down he's a good bloke and didn't know what a dick he was being but I just kept pointing it out every time and he learned along the way. I think this method only works if the DH actually gives a shit about your happiness. Also as we have girls he takes more interest in feminist issues.

Totally. This guy is being a child. Like so many husbands.
Counselling would be worthwhile so you deal with it before it becomes a marriage breaker

Has he discussed it with you again OP?

@SignedUpJust4This I think we're in a similar place. DH is also a good guy and a good Dad (at his convenience!) but he needs realigning in his attitude towards me, the provider of opportunities and generally all things good.

We are going to talk tonight. He just needs to understand that he has gone about this all the wrong way and requires a change of mindset. He's 40 years old and it's time he did some thinking for himself. I am not the arbiter of what's acceptable as a father and husband, he should be able to work that out for himself. He actually texted me twice over the past couple of weeks saying "have you had a chance to think about my cycling trip?" as though he just says what he wants and then I have to find a way to make it work for him. Makes me cross just thinking about it actually. But I'm clear in my mind about what I want to say, so that's good.

Thank you all

I hope you texted back 'have you organised child care?' !!

YANBU. My DP asked to go to Germany for a week in a few months. I basically said if he goes abroad for a week, I do too and I’ll be leaving him in charge of all four DC for the week as he would be doing me. He soon backtracked and said never mind.

I told my Mum about it and she was on DP’s side because her partner goes away a lot... Difference is, her partner doesn’t leave her high and dry with four young children to look after! It’s completely different if you are middle aged with grown up children.

He’s wanting to act like a single child free man and it just can’t happen.

Good luck with the conversation. Hope you get through to him.

Sure sweetie - let me know the childcare arrangements and how you plan to cover our half of the school holidays. Oh, and by the way I was thinking of going away for a month to India on a Yoga retreat.

I'd be texting back 'of all the things I could be thinking about, why the hell do you think your cycling trip would be one of them? Have you thought about the additional pressure and work you're asking me to take on, the impact on family holiday this year if you go on this trip, just how tedious and annoying you're going to be in the preparation run up, and how on Earth you are going to arrange child care and transportation if you went?'

Good for you OP.

I think you realise that you are actually at a critical juncture in your relationship.

He either steps up and behaves like a father and husband in your marriage or most likely this is the beginning of the end.

You will start to detach.
You will get your ducks in a row and you will move on.

However this conversation goes tonight I would strongly recommend that you just pull back in your general accommodation of him and his life.

Without wanting to criticize you at all, perhaps think of just how much you have allowed things to get to a stage that he is such a selfish twat.

These things rarely happen overnight but little by little.

Whilst I would be very, very calm in your meeting.

I would give it to him with both barrel's as to how much he has been taking the piss.

Having it in all written down in black and white means it can't be dismissed and forgotten about.

This is a very serious conversation, that could be a deal breaker for you going forward.

Going softly, softly will only lead to further exploitation of you.

Spell it out very clearly.

He may even need to take some time to look at what's written down and reflect on what you've said.

Give him 24 hours if needs be and then put it completely back on him.

Ask him:
What are you going to do about this?
What are you going to do to fix this?
How are you going to step up?

OP you could spend years on this bullshit.
You might as well know now.

Best of luck to you.

DH is also a good guy and a good Dad (at his convenience!)
Just stop it OP.
A good dad is permanently a good dad, not when it suits!!

I do think there possibly is a bit of his previous home life to blame. I may have missed a comment but has he ever lived as an adult by himself ( I dont mean uni, where it is often chaotic living!) It sounds like he has just sailed through life with everything being done for him.
Since my lads were about 9 or 10 the answer to things they could figure out themselves was , what do you think? If a PE kit ( or similar)wasnt packed they were reminded that I was their parent , not their personal assistant and their problem wasn't my issue so dont make it one and so on. (note this is just practical stuff that if they had thought about and planned wouldn't have been a problem, not emotional issues or any anxiety or personal worries)I got accused by other parents as being mean but it whipped them into shape and made sure they wasn't dependent on others to do the thinking for them

No it is not reasonable to go away for 3 weeks with a young child. End of. End of!!🤣🤣 it can be reasonable, it depends on the circumstances, the support and everyone being in agreement. Sure if any one if those things us not in place then there is an issue but to say it is never reasonable is bullshit.

have never met a women whom has headed off for 3 weeks on a "trip" Well you havent met me, I have several times for up to 3 weeks when the kids were small however the scenario was a bit different and support was put in place so school, activities and homework could carry on as normal for the lads.

Good luck OP. It's also worth reminding him that this situation would never happen in reverse and ask him why he thinks that is. If you are equal parents and partners surely your priorities should match?

I would have texted back: have you?
Boils my piss just reading about about it.

I would have texted back: have you?

What I also thought.
Try it, if you haven't replied yet.