DH 'asking permission'

[BettySwoll0cks]

Is anyone else fed up with their DH "asking permission" to do stuff they haven't thought through, that clearly impacts on family life? Mine just asked "can I go cycling across France for 3 weeks next May?" and I was like, I don't know, can you? Can "we" manage it?

We have one DC who is at pre school during term time, so we need childcare solutions over holidays (like most people). DH gets one long leave entitlement per year which he is planning to use for the cycling. I pointed out that we would need to think through how we will manage school hols between us and he just completely shut down and said I was telling him he couldn't go. I said no, it's just that we need to think through what the knock-ons are to the rest of the year and it might be ok, it might not. Massive argument then ensued about who had got angry with whom, raised their voice first, irrelevant blah.

It just feels like I'm always expected to have The Family Plan and if I don't immediately say "yes dear, that's fine I'll work everything else around you" then I'm treated like fun police. AIBU?

Drugs would be cheaper too.

YES, YES AND YES!!

I wouldn't be happy at him spending his only long holiday being so utterly selfish. The time to do that sort of thing was pre-marriage and kids. My DH also does the 'permission' thing but not for things as major as that. He usually asks if he could go out a night with the boys or something. I would probably do the same to be honest but as neither of us would say no to that sort of thing, unless there was a major clash, it's never caused an issue.

How much holiday do you both have in total and how many weeks are needed to cover childcare?

I don't think the farming background has anything to do with it! My DF was a farmer, and it was a struggle to get him to take as much as a week off once a year for a family holiday - and we never went more than 3 hours drive away from the farm!

It's a selfish, self-absorbed man thing, and it does seem that many of these men are cyclists.

How did your chat go OP?

So he went to Hong Kong earlier this year? Work out with your h how and when you will go away for an equivalent time and spend the same money. See what he says.

Then discuss France.

Agree with elpapa as well.

DH texted me the other day “when would be a good weekend for me to go to Malta?”

Erm, I don’t know. No weekend?

He is fabulous but yes, I get you. Only mine doesn’t sulk. That needs seeing to.

I wouldn't have an issue if my DH asked me ... if it something he wanted to do then why not ...? I would feel sad if he wanted to go cycling for 3 weeks without me though ... there's nothing worst than living with regrets. What's 3 weeks out of 10, 15, 20 plus years of marriage...?

Because cooking it isn't much of a marriage is it if the DH isn't thinking about the impact on family by him taking his big stretch of annual leave in one go thereby leaving his wife to apparently manage all the DC holiday childcare. Plus it isn't much of a marriage or partnership if the DH is putting the mental load for organising this on to his wife

Ask him if you can have 3 weeks to go on a napping and eating holiday.

@myrtleWilson it's 3 weeks... I don't see the big deal ...

I would break my dhs balls if he decided to go off for three weeks on his own.

HTH

But it isn't just the three weeks is it cooking it is the impact on the OP for the rest of the year

@cookingonwine you've missed the point entirely

3 weeks ! Does he understand he is a Parent ? What would he say if you buggered off to France for 3 weeks ? Why on earth does he think thats ok ?

It's swings and roundabouts... I like to go out weekly with my girlfriends. DH goes out monthly. I like to get my nails, hair done constantly. DH gets a haircut once in a blue moon.

I like to have a holiday with my girlfriends once a year ... DH likes to go on a golfing holiday with the lads.

If he is away for 3 weeks extra planning needs to take place for child care ... but if both parents are working wouldn't this be in place already?

There could be a thousand reasons why the OP DH wants to go on holiday, but we are just hearing the negative side of this.

No mention of how the DH would feel if it could happen and the impact of going or not going on this holiday would impact the relationship. I think an open view needs to happen instead of all the rubbish of this isn't a marriage... the OP will struggle. I don't buy it. If my DH told me I was not able to do something I would feel trapped.

We had a bit of discussion about this last night, some of it constructive some of it less so. There was a bit of sulking and passive aggressive childishness (I don't think anyone who's read the thread will be surprised to hear!) like "oh well in future if I have an idea I'm passionate about I won't bother trying to discuss it with you" and "yes well I'll try to be a better husband and father eye roll) which left me a hairs breadth from stabbing him in the eye and biting him under DS's sandpit. But I tried to stay calm and rein it back in.

My concern is that he won't have taken any of it in and has probably re written the narrative already in his head, making him the victim and me the angry mother. So I'm going to write it in a letter when I have time, and also find out about couples therapy. You see, despite the manchild tendencies and the dubious penchant for Lycra, I do actually want to pursue a happy marriage with this man if it's possible.

Thank you for all you constructive advice, it is much appreciated!!

@cookingonwine - the OP has already explained that they have termtime childcare for their son, so need to cover the holidays. In most families where both work they would do that by using their annual leave carefully, plus a few days of help from family/friends so that the holidays are covered.

Here the husband wants to use almost all his annual leave on a holiday, meaning OP will have to use all of hers on childcare, there won’t be enough left for a family holiday, they’ll prob have to pay for some help etc.

This causes massive issues. But DH is just asking whether he can go, and making it OP’s problem to cover all the childcare and sort everything out. That’s the issue.

But the OP hasn't told him he isn't allowed to go. She has been advised to ask him what plans he has made to cover the subsequent three weeks of holiday childcare they will be short on when he has used up all his leave.
Or has that now become her problem to solve?

@BettySwoll0cks - oh god the whole “you won’t let me have fun!” moaning is infuriating, he’s behaving like a teenager. Deeply unsexy.

My usual reply is yes as long as you sort out the childcare and we can still have a family holiday.

I really think relationship counselling would help you. Also it might be a wake up call for him. I’m not sure I’d bother with a letter. Just tell him that you want to see a counsellor together.

Urgh, male entitlement.

My Dad went on I think a 6 week hobby expedition when my sibling and I were in infant school - half of it feel in the summer holidays. There were weekends away, nights out each week for his hobby - I had to give up hobbies because he "needed the car" or was to stressed/tired to do "taxi services".

I grew up feeling an utter inconvenience and wondering why they ever had us as we just seemed to get in the way... it seemed that his hobby and life came first always. Family holidays consisted of lots of his hobby too...

I lost respect for them both long ago and his hobby priority is definitely a large factor in that.