No sign of DH and DD - AIBU to feel really really worried?

[crazychemist]

Starting to feel a bit panicky - AIBU?

DH picks DD (2.5) up from nursery on Wednesdays, usually at about 5.30. The nursery closes at 6.30. Sometimes he takes her to visit his grandmother before they come home.

She just called to ask if she can see them later in the week as he didn’t drop by today. So if they aren’t there, where are they??? The nursery closed over an hour ago.

AIBU to start to panic? DH doesn’t carry a mobile phone, and I can’t phone his work/the nursery to find out what time he picked up as both are now closed. If he hadn’t picked her up, they’d have been phoning me, right?

There are a few alarm bells here, parents not liking him and you needing to shield them from his behaviour. Today’s episode - utterly thoughtless and his complete inability to empathise with you is troubling. And the refusal to carry a mobile even when he has care of your dd. I’d be taking a hard look at my relationship

This^^

Why don't your parents like him?

And do you believe his story about where he was?

Oh Jesus not everything on MN is red flags and control! Dad's are allowed to do things with their kids! They get bashed if they do and they get bashed if they don't! Yes it would have been ideal for him to call, but if he chooses not to Carry a phone then that's kinda impossible. If this was a bloke posting this who said "my wife took my kids out to the shops two hours ago" you'd all be saying "lighten up, stop controlling her, she's having coffee etc etc".

I hope he's learnt a lesson from this - what a bloody idiot!

Rubbish.

You carry a phone to let someone know if you're going to be out later than you said, whether you are a man or a woman, because that is the courteous thing to do.

The virtue signalling 'if this was a woman' comments are so predictable on every thread where a dad does something unacceptable you could turn it into a drinking game and get nice and tipsy by about page 5.

But he is often out late on a Wednesday, so why would he need to constantly check in? Lots of people don’t use phones What did you do in the olden days Math?

Why didn't he call? Service stations have phones. I think it's really odd that he didn't call when he knew he would be so late and he knows you have no way to contact him.

kids I agree which is why I asked if it was normal to be late home from grandmas, mums or DD bed time. Also whether it was plausible that the journey would take that long and whether DH was usually thoughtless and had reason not to want a phone.

If DD is often home later and all of this was their normal (even if not ours) and he’s not generally thoughtless then he would not have reason to think OP would panic as he would not know that grandma had rang. If grandma hadn’t rang would the OP have had cause to worry?

My DH has taken the kids out, lost track of time, had a dead battery and not contacted me. My first thought is not disaster and if I said I had been worried my DH would apologise, but I’m sure I have done the same but I’m not usually thoughtless.

Firstly, thank you so much for the support and handholding. When IWBU or not, I was horrifically stressed and worried, and it really helped to hear from you! So thank you very much for your time and advice.

I won’t address every comment as there are quite a lot of you, but as I hate threads where the OP disappears I’ll try to answer a few things that have come up repeatedly:

He’s agreed to keep a phone in the car. He doesn’t like to have one for several reasons (the expectation to reply to things immediately (DMIL is a control freak and calls ALL the time and panics if she doesn’t get an immediate response), the way that they can be very distracting and cause procrastination, which he is prone to if he has the opportunity). But he accepted very quickly that I was really worried so he’ll keep one in the car so that he can contact me if he’s delayed or if anything goes wrong.

He often pops in on his grandmother as she likes to see them, but it would never cause him to be home later than about 7pm as DD needs bath/bedtime. He said he hadn’t really realised how long they’d stayed at the service station, but was just enjoying watching DD dance to the music and have fun. (She does do this whenever we stop somewhere with background music, and she did seem very happy when she got home)

I have no reason to suspect he was doing anything other than what he said. He is a bit of a scatterbrain, which I have always known, but he’s not terribly unreliable, nor do I think there’s a secret addiction going on here, he’s not someone who frequently disappears without explanation and usually prefers to socialise at home rather than at the pub, so I know exactly where he is most of the time when he’s not at work. He’s a teacher, so no “business trips” etc.

He’s not controlling in the least. He was being a total idiot, but he wasn’t trying to “punish me”. I’m glad that people are watching out for signs of these things and are ready to support women in controlling relationships. He does think he is a (reasonably) equal parent to DD so makes the on-the-spot choices when he is caring for her, but i don’t have any kind of problem with that.

My parents don’t like him, particularly my mum. Mostly because their politics is very different and DH is passionate about that. Also because he earns less than I do and is unlikely to ever earn hugely - he’s a part time teacher (he has 1 day a week looking after DD and 1 day a week involved in local politics, which he loves and cares about). Neither of these is a problem for me! They do think he should pull his weight more with housework. He should. He’s working on it and gradually getting better. Basically my parents think I could have done “better”. Aside from terrifying me last night, DH is normally great. He may be bollocks at putting stuff in the washing machine, but that,s not the most important thing to me.

Anyway, that was a very long reply, but didn’t want to leave people worried! Thank you again for your support.

I'm on the fence - my DH goes out without his phone quite a lot and often has DS with him as well. Sometimes he is not at home when I expect him to be and I have to stop myself panicking because when it has happened before there has generally been a perfectly reasonable explanation as to where he has been /why he hasn't called (generally some reason like yours- a small delay triggers hungry child/DH - food takes a while etc) and a lot of the time he doesn't think to ring me as 1) he doesn't think I'm home waiting (this often is the case if I'm home earlier than I thought so notice he's absent when I wouldn't normally) 2) he doesn't think he's late enough to call 3) he's driving - all of which are reasonable! I just have to think whether I am reasonable to be angry with him or whether my anger is triggered by relief.

Were you expecting him home an he was late- or was it simply Gran's call that triggered your concern?
I'm not sure why parents not liking him is necessarily a red flag -

myfoolishboat - it was luck the Grandmother called, OP (presumably) was unconcerned before that, it’s the time of day, the break from routine and lack of contact that would be concerning. It’s really not hard to understand why the OP would be concerned, even if you wouldn’t have been in the same scenario. But then maybe your dh doesn’t refuse to carry a mobile/often does spontaneous things with your 2yr old involving them being out after bedtime etc. When my dc were that age, bedtimes/routines were the godsend that kept me sane. Oh and my dh is considerate and would have let me know where he was like most adults would have in this scenario.

OP thanks for the update! His reasons for not having a phone are a bit lame but glad the other concerns are seemingly unfounded. You are more tolerant than I am!

Yes, ok Randall I forgot many people are obsessed with routine for preschoolers. I am just very fortunate I didn’t live in the UK when mine were little. 😂

@Myfoolishboatisleaning yes some of us do have routines....that's because some children need it to understand when it's time for them to go to sleep.

I wouldn't dream of keeping my 2 year old out past 8 at the moment because she gets horribly tired and grumpy and takes about an hour to settle into bed.

OP thanks for the update and I agree with your DH in that I hate the expectation of being available on demand at any moment. In fact I'm well known for not answering my phone or replying to messages.

I think the fact he is normally home by 7 and grandma had phoned would cause you to worry. The next test is to keep the phone charged as we are all guilty of forgetting to do that

I think a number of people can’t understand the no phone thing because for many people (including me) they just don’t go anywhere without them. And I am old so have probably lived more years without a mobile than with one. But for me it would seem strange to go out without it now.

Does everything seem ok with your DH’s wellbeing? I’m just thinking that it’s a long time to spend watching your daughter dance to music and wonder if he’s perhaps not feeling his normal self?

I only say this as I suffer with my mental health and at times feel like I can get lost in the moment for a while - always at home, but I can see how it could happen when elsewhere.

Thanks for the update OP. Im very impressed that your toddler can spend 2 hours dancing to music, mine didn’t concentrate on one thing for 5 mins.

I hope you also get one day a week off to do your hobby.

Glad all turned out well OP.

Also glad that he’s going to keep a phone in the car. And never charge it. Or check for texts etc. And not take it with him, so you’ll still not be able to get hold of him. These adorably scary types, eh?

• scatty not scary.

Although...

He’s agreed to keep a phone in the car.
He needs to keep it charged, have enough credit on it, have it switched on and on his person - even if only when he is with DD.

Then you can contact him.

If you are the only person who knows he has it, and especially you are the only person who knows the number, none of his objections will come into it.

He can get a simple phone that does calls and texts only - so it's not distracting.

Thanks for the update, OP.

I really do think on the matter of the phone he is being selfish and stubborn. If he will continue with his part-time teaching and be primary contact for childcare/school etc then he now needs to get over his objections (rooted in his mother, it seems) and get used to having a charged mobile on his person.

He sounds like a good bloke but one who gets his own way much more than perhaps you realise and that’s what is standing out to your parents.

A phone in the car is no use if your daughter needs picking up from nursery unexpectedly.

A phone out of battery in the car is no use if he has a car breakdown.

A phone in the car is no use if your daughter has an accident at the park etc.

Time for him to grow up on this issue.

Goodness there seems like some hysterical controlling people on this Board. Your DH picked up your HC at 6:30 and was home by 8:00, including the 30min drive, this would mean he was 1 hour late.
If she did need to go to the toilet than this would have taken maybe another 15 minutes so we are closer to 45 mins.
Can you imagine how you would feel if your DH screamed at you in such a manner, the same calling him a selfish , would be calling him controlling.
You could have used the time to relax but you chose to go crazy, maybe you step back and think about that.

He doesn't have to give his mother his number, or even let her know he has a mobile. And as has been pointed out a few times, he can get a basic phone, with no internet connection.

Keeping the phone in the car is useless. He might not be in the car when he needs it, and it's likely that the battery will die without his knowledge, until he actually needs to use it. It sounds like he's only agreed to have a phone, to get you off his back, but he has no intention of actually using it. It'll just be shoved in the glove box, and forgotten about.

No. He needs to keep the phone on, and on his person.

Fabulous update OP. You are the best judge of whether or not all is well. So glad to learn that you believe that it is. :-)