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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

No sign of DH and DD - AIBU to feel really really worried?

317 replies

crazychemist · 19/06/2019 19:43

Starting to feel a bit panicky - AIBU?

DH picks DD (2.5) up from nursery on Wednesdays, usually at about 5.30. The nursery closes at 6.30. Sometimes he takes her to visit his grandmother before they come home.

She just called to ask if she can see them later in the week as he didn’t drop by today. So if they aren’t there, where are they??? The nursery closed over an hour ago.

AIBU to start to panic? DH doesn’t carry a mobile phone, and I can’t phone his work/the nursery to find out what time he picked up as both are now closed. If he hadn’t picked her up, they’d have been phoning me, right?

OP posts:
ElizaPancakes · 20/06/2019 00:40

@Cailleachian yeah but I bet you wouldn’t take an unexpected three hour detour on the way home from nursery without communicating with the person expecting you at home would you?

RomanyQueen · 20/06/2019 00:42

cailleahian

I feel like I've stepped into a parallel universe, it's quite disconcerting.
Is it them or us Grin

I rarely take mine out, I can't be doing with the endless disturbance. Oh, and remembering to turn it on and off at certain times.
It can't be generational unless other posters are all similar ages.

Nodnol · 20/06/2019 00:49

It took two hours for a wee and food at a service station? Where was he letting her “run around”? 🤔

Totally irresponsible to not let you know they would be late back.

Cailleachian · 20/06/2019 00:56

@RomanyQueen

I'm not sure, but yes, definately parallel universe.

I am a bit older (mid-40s) so maybe this is a young person thing and I need to go back to my rocking chair? But then my teen dcs dont always take their phones out with them either.

bpirockin · 20/06/2019 01:20

Well that is a relief. My mind was taking the abduction route, once you mentioned your parents' dislike of him. I do hope that he will realise that it is thoughtless and unwise all round for him not to carry a mobile phone - such an unnecessary worry.

mathanxiety · 20/06/2019 01:24

Your H is an arsehole.

I would be tearing rashers off him this evening if I were you.

Oliversmumsarmy · 20/06/2019 01:27

Nearly 60 and always have my phone especially if I am out.

Car could break down and need to call the AA would be a reason for needing to have one close at hand.

MustShowDH · 20/06/2019 01:28

I'm surprised so many on here would give their OH's a bollocking.

I totally understand why you were worried, but once they're home safe I'd be fine with it.

I regularly can't contact my other half (normally because my own mobile has run out!) but if I know DD is with him, then I know she is safe.
I'll take detours via my parents place or somewhere for dinner, but again, he knows if she's with me she's okay.

We work on the 'no news is good news' theory. If something awful had happened either school or emergency services would be in touch.

I regularly go out without my phone, especially if I'm going on a dog walk or beauty salon as I like to disconnect.

People do realise there weren't mobile phones within living memory, right?

Sashkin · 20/06/2019 01:32

RomanyQueen and Cailleachian I’m also in my 40s so grew up without a phone. If you were running three hours late, you bloody well found a payphone and let people know. You didn’t just not come home at night.

OP, your DH either has the emotional intelligence of a small rock, or he is a controlling bastard who did this deliberately to upset you. I have no idea which, but I would not recommend staying married to either. Your parents are right about him.

managedmis · 20/06/2019 01:32

He can’t really see why I was so worried

^^
Really? He really can't see why?

SemperIdem · 20/06/2019 01:50

Glad all is ok,op.

Cailleachian I don’t think it’s an age thing, I think it is a you thing. I know many people older than you, some old enough to be your parent, who understand that mobile phones are indeed mobile so can leave the house.

coshewasaprick · 20/06/2019 01:56

Your parents sound a good judge of character.

Purpleartichoke · 20/06/2019 02:05

I was in a service station a couple
Of weeks ago and a man asked if they had a public phone. They did not. They did say he could use the phone in the store office if it was necessary.

Carrying a phone really isn’t optional anymore.

NorthernSpirit · 20/06/2019 02:06

I’m going against the grain here.

Dad picks the daughter up from nursery at 17:30. Takes him around 30 minutes normally to drive home. At 19:43 your panicking and want to ring the police.

Get at grip. It’s less than 2 hours.

This behaviour sounds very controlling. If this was a man posting everyone wound be up in arms about how controlling he was.

It’s not a big deal. Chill.

GPatz · 20/06/2019 03:01

Can't have one thread without using the word 'controlling' can we?

It's not controlling to want to know if your family are safe. Jesus.

Graphista · 20/06/2019 03:56

Totally unacceptable behaviour.

No we didn't have mobile phones growing up (I'm late 40's) but there were plenty of working pay phones, emergency phones on certain types of roads and people planned and let others know those plans in advance and if anything out of the ordinary was to happen or be decided on (like being hours later home from nursery than usual with no obvious reason) people still called each other from pay phones or friends/families landlines to let each other know!

I'd have been an absolute wreck and then completely livid!

Not carrying a mobile phone when he has a young child and when the world around us has changed accordingly is not practical or sensible.

Hope you manage to get that through to him op, glad they're both home safe and sound though.

Coyoacan · 20/06/2019 03:59

Welcome to motherhood, OP. It is horrible when you don't know where they are. Every minute is an hour and every hour a day.

Myfoolishboatisleaning · 20/06/2019 04:02

I agree with him, I can’t see why you would be worried. He picks her up every Wednesday, he frequently takes her to see his grandmother, so doesn’t come straight home. He wasn’t home any later, he is her parent, why can’t he take her out. You are so massively overreacting.

IamtheDevilsAvocado · 20/06/2019 05:07

Yes he is her parent and can do stuff with her... But keeping a toddler out way beyond their bedtime and not communicating this to the other parent is simply wrong....

If he carried a sodding mobile and sent one text all this utter worry would have been avoided.

It's just selfish

My partner and me dobt have to ask 'permission' to stay put later.... But it's common courtesy to tell the other person you're changing your plans/delayed... So they don't think youve been killed.... Simples...

RandallandHopkirkReborn · 20/06/2019 05:10

OP - why doesn’t your DH carry a phone? Moral opposition or just being a dick?

When mobiles were less common I had one but my dh said he didn’t want one. We only had one car so I used to have to pick him up from the station. One late evening when I had sat for ages in the car park in the dark and rain with a stinking cold because he had missed the train and couldn’t let me know, we had strong words. He’s had one since. It’s a no brainer with children in the equation.

There are a few alarm bells here, parents not liking him and you needing to shield them from his behaviour. Today’s episode - utterly thoughtless and his complete inability to empathise with you is troubling. And the refusal to carry a mobile even when he has care of your dd. I’d be taking a hard look at my relationship.

RandallandHopkirkReborn · 20/06/2019 05:13

@myfoolishboatisleaning - really?! You can’t understand?

Op had checked, he wasn’t at his grandmothers. He hadn’t made any plans to be out late and it was after the toddler’s bedtime. That would be no cause for concern?

Birdie6 · 20/06/2019 05:18

The phone thing isn't an age-related issue. I'm in my 60's and I'd never be without mine. The suggestion that you don't take yours with you " because you won't need it" seems crazy to me. How do you know you won't need it until something happens ? If you've got a phone you should have it with you - and if you haven't got one you should get one ! It's not rocket science !

Birdie6 · 20/06/2019 05:22

I expect him to keep a phone in the car!!!

No, not in the car OP . In his bloody pocket - all the time !

Myfoolishboatisleaning · 20/06/2019 05:33

No, not at all. Randall. The OP only found out that they did not go to grandmothers because granny called, otherwise the OP would have just assumed they were there (like most other weeks) Why was it an issue that the child’s (other) parent took them somewhere else spontaneously? Especially when the OP admits she is often out with the child when her DH returns home and he doesn’t know where they are but subsequently doesn’t threaten to call the police or otherwise overreact.

Torvi · 20/06/2019 05:56

I'm another who also thinks there must be more to this. Red flag that your parents don't like him to the point that you couldn't discuss this with them.

He sounds controlling and like he is trying to assert his authority. Is he trying to punish you for something?

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